How to (not) get a new Macbook Pro laptop

1. Order Macbook Pro laptop directly from Apple.
2. Have them deliver it directly to the Fed Ex Express office for pickup, since I'm never home during the day.
3. Follow the tracking online and see that it was delivered to the Fed Ex Express office,
4. Go to the Fed Ex Express office, only to be told that it is at the Fed Ex Ground office.
5. Wait 4 hours until the Fed Ex Ground office is open (7 p.m. to 8;30 p.m.)
6. Wait 30 minutes while the Fed Ex Ground office crew politely stop their loading line to search for your package.
7. Package was not found.
8. Call Fed Ex 1-800 number to find out that the package was shipped Fed Ex Ground to Fed Ex Express office in Helena, which is two blocks away from Fed Ex Ground office.
9. Be told that Fed Ex Express cannot accept packages from Fed Ex Ground and therefore Fed Ex Express gave the package back to Fed Ex Ground.
10. Package is on its way BACK to California.
11. Pick up different package that was sent to UPS in Helena, to be picked up at UPS. UPS called and said, "Your package was shipped to us for you to pickup at our office, come and get it." Get UPS package.
12. Three days after MacBook Pro was being sent to California, get call at 8 a.m. to pick up package at Fed Ex Ground, if I can be there in 1/2 hour. Run like hell with dog (since I was a mile away from my house) to go get package. Get package, compliment Helena Fed Ex Ground staff for being great fellows.
13. Take Macbook Pro home, fire it up.
14. Discover that right speaker goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee" all the time. ALL the time.
15 Call Apple Support for technical assistance.
16. Explain to Amir that taking it in to my nearest Apple Store is a three-day drive.
17. Tell Amir to look at a frigging map, I'm being truthful about that three-day drive to Denver or Seattle.
18. Try tech support suggestions.
19. Samir, they didn't work. Bump me up the line to a supervisor.
20 Speak to nice people in Tech Support who agree, "It's broken."
21. Ask to get bumped to a supervisor. Explain I don't want a repair on a brand-new laptop, I want a new laptop.
22. Get approal to send the brand-new laptop in and have a new brand-new laptop sent to me.
23. Go home, uninstall all my programs and setttings, Why should they know that I like to surf, "Asian midget wrestlers who crochet"?
24. Put the computer, cord, remote control, installation disc 1, installation disc 2, etc back in the box Wrap it all up in original packaging. Tape shut, following all the printed Fed Ex (Shipping or Ground? FUCK! I DON'T KNOW! directions.)
25. Take to Fed Ex Express Office.
26. She scans it and says, "OK. Here's your receipt and tracking number."

Stare at her until she asks if if I'm OK, but it just hasn't been that easy. I fully expected Fed Ex Express to say, "Could you stand there for a few moments. We need you to keep your hands in the open until the police get here and we refuse this package. "

NEXT WEEK: Does Doug ever get a working Macbook Pro?