Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
AS daughters do on wedding days, mine took my breath away.
At the joyous reception following the marriage of Bridget Ann Kelly, 34, and Eric Michael Strauss, 39, it came time for the bride and her father to dance. Though everyone said she looked stunning, I inevitably recalled seeing her 10 years earlier — not in boundless joy but in utter heartbreak.
Tubes protruded from her mouth and her nose. A machine helped her breathe. At 24, she had very nearly lost her life to three gunshots from a stranger.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...
Sunday, July 22, 2012
There are ten kids on South Point. Five are dead; the other five are wounded. One of them, a girl, is in the water, upright but limping. Adrian helps her out of the lake and sees a wound in her right leg. There is no blood, just a hole deep and round as a golf ball. They sit together. The blue lights are still flashing across the water, but the helicopter is gone. Adrian tweets: "Shot on Utøya.
Teaching a seven-year old the proper phrases when shooting a ping-pong ball out of a propane-powered cannon.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
If she's averse to this idea, spit in her sports drink. It's been shown to improve the taste of Gatorade's entire G Series line.
That's… literally the weirdest opening line I've ever read in my life. But it couldn't have come at a better time, as I was planning on seducing some mice later this afternoon. What? Don't give that look. They have pretty mouths.
Yes, because when she does them, it counts as a woman doing the work she's goddamn supposed to be doing.
Saturday, July 07, 2012
Popular pet names Rover, Cheryl and Kate could be a thing of the past. Banks are now advising parents to think carefully before naming their child’s first pet. For security reasons, the chosen name should have at least eight characters, a capital letter and a digit. It should not be the same as the name of any previous pet, and must never be written down, especially on a collar as that is the first place anyone would look. Ideally, children should consider changing the name of their pet every 12 weeks.
Expectant mothers have also been advised to choose carefully where they give birth. Anywhere that has a place name is best avoided. These are listed on maps, which are freely available on the Internet.
It’s a good idea too, security experts have warned, for children not to get friendly with certain teachers. For instance, Miss Smith may be enriching your son’s education but he should try and see if he can’t make a favourite of Father O’Grinnighan-Scythe II, even though it may mean a lot of staying late.
We tried to call Barclays’ security expert R0b Ste!nway for a comment, but he was not available for 24 hours, having answered his phone incorrectly three times in succession.