Sunday, December 30, 2012

Best Burn of the Evening

She: "Blah, blah, blah, me.  Blah, blah, me, blah, blah. Me, blah, blah, blah."

Other She: "Wait! Galileo called! He says that you are NOT the center of the universe!"

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Cheap toy roundup: 2012 edition

Pocahontas: Indian PrincessAs everyone who saw the Disney movie knows, the Native American princess Pocahontas was a real historical figure who fell in love with English soldier John Smith, sang him a bunch of pretty, consciousness-raising songs, saved his life when her father wanted to kill him, and took her career tips from a talking tree. Thanks to her bravery and dedication, all those mean white invaders then cheerfully returned to England forever. That history isn’t entirely reflected in this toy, which was apparently created with the understanding that Pocahontas was some kind of red-headed, ass-kicking action-movie heroine who saved John Smith by flashing her considerable cleavage at his would-be executors, then taking them out with such traditional Native American weapons as a rifle, various swords, and whatever that thing is with the heart-shaped tip. Bet this Pocahontas doesn’t hang around singing with a cute raccoon and hummingbird all day; she’s more likely to while away the hours by sharpening blades and trying to invent gunpowder.

See more here. 

Dyslexic Christmas

Instant Google Earth

Type slowly, and it will show addresses that match each letter/number of your search. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

My New Favorite Song

The Mother Hood

Boehner is moving to Plan B on fiscal cliff. Sure, it's fine for him to use Plan B when he feels like he's getting fucked.

I Know What He Wants for Christmas

The Horizontal Twist

In Times Square, It's Terry Jones vs. the Beatles - Op-Docs


The Bribery Aisle: How Wal-Mart Got Its Way

The Times has now picked up where Wal-Mart’s internal investigation was cut off, traveling to dozens of towns and cities in Mexico, gathering tens of thousands of documents related to Wal-Mart de Mexico permits, and interviewing scores of government officials and Wal-Mart employees, including 15 hours of interviews with the former lawyer, Sergio Cicero Zapata.

The Times’s examination reveals that Wal-Mart de Mexico was not the reluctant victim of a corrupt culture that insisted on bribes as the cost of doing business. Nor did it pay bribes merely to speed up routine approvals. Rather, Wal-Mart de Mexico was an aggressive and creative corrupter, offering large payoffs to get what the law otherwise prohibited. It used bribes to subvert democratic governance — public votes, open debates, transparent procedures. It used bribes to circumvent regulatory safeguards that protect Mexican citizens from unsafe construction. It used bribes to outflank rivals.

Read more here.

Monday, December 17, 2012

A Joke

Dewey & Phyllis lived by a big lake in Nordern Nort Koda
It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Dewey asked Phyllis if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer.   She asked him for some money but he told her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”

So Phyllis valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake.   Ven she got home and gave Dewey his beer, she asked him, “Dewey, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at dastore.  Why didn’t you yust give me some money?”

Dewey replied, “Vell, I didn’t vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasn’t sure how tick the ice vas yet.”

Rudolph, You Don't Have To Turn On That Red Light


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Deep Thoughts

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew
facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought
about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting
kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and
here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth,
a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child.
" On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think
I would like another kick in the nuts.
" So, I rest my case.

Saturday, December 08, 2012

Vote for Alexis Wineman, Miss Montana, to become Miss America

I've heard her speak and she is funny and informative. But for fuck sakes, she has the worst cable access video EVER for a national pageant contender.

Vote here.

A Joke

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer."

Sarah Silverman Presents the Greatest iPhone Trick in the World


I Know That Woman

Larger Size
Back when MTV was actually cool.

Every Fan's Girlfriend

So true. 

Wednesday, December 05, 2012