Friday, February 27, 2009

MONTANA ARCHAEOLOGIST

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 200 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: ' California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Great Falls Tribune, a local newspaper in Montana, reported the following: After digging as deep as 300 feet in his flower garden in Great Falls, Mt, Jack Kooker, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has, therefore, concluded that 300 years ago, Montana had already gone wireless

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A very cool tail


Good: double amputee gets prosthetic legs so she can walk. Better: double amputee gets realistic-looking mermaid tail so she can swim. Awesome: it's developed and built by Weta, the special-effects company that did work for the "Lord of the Rings" movies, as well as "King Kong" and "The Chronicles of Narnia" series.

Fear of Flying

Want It!

Thank You Captain Obvious


I'm just a Stimulus bill, on Capitol Hill

A Joke

Q. WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JESUS AND OBAMA?

A. Jesus could assemble a cabinet.

Good infographic on the Stimulus bill

Know your state symbols

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Headline of the week

"There are no zombie banks, Bernanke says."

Zombies don't need to store brraaaiiiinnnss.

Space debris accumulation

Monday, February 16, 2009

A Weekend at Chico and the Boiling River

My old water resistant camera is pretty much toast.



What happened to Bambi's father?


Mystery solved. Now we know who killed Bambi's father. It was Little Jake.
Utah-based author Rob Jacobs writes and publishes books about a little boy who likes to hunt. His "Little Jake's Big Bowhunt" is a re-telling of the Bambi story from the hunter's point of view.

What would you do?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.'

A Joke

An elderly man in Queensland , Australia had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

A Joke

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, 'Bartender, got any specials today?'

Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented ! by A gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'

The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?' The bartender replied,

'It's a 'Pabst Smir.'

"I've got a Golden Ticket" - better than Willie Wonka


Saturday, February 14, 2009

How to Shower Like A Woman // How To Shower Like A Man

Sony releases new POS (NSFW)

The Electric Fence


We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my
testicles trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Everytime that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and have an orgasim at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Doggone It!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop and pee, and with my testicles on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things :

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and sweat - when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a son-of-a-gun now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.

7- My testicles are now smaller than average and they are shaped funny.

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

The Bartender Says

Recycling Fail

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Ice cream flavors to honor George W. Bush

- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut'n Accomplished
- Iraqi Road
- Chock 'n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Guantanmallow
- Good Riddance You Lousy Motherfucker... Swirl
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- Rocky Road to Fascism
- The Reese's-cession
- Cookie D'oh!
- The Housing Crunch
- Death by Chocolate... and Torture
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Chunky Monkey in Chief
- George Bush Doesn't Care About Dark Chocolate
- WMDelicious
- Chocolate Chimp
- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands...with nuts

A Joke

A cowboy is driving through Wibaux Montana. A sign in front of the Shamrock reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer


'Lord almighty' he says to himself, 'my three favorite things!!'

Butte jail installing ATM for posting bail

People being booked into the jail in Butte will soon have access to an ATM to more quickly post bail.

The Butte-Silver Bow Council of Commissioners recently approved setting up a petty cash account to keep the automatic teller machine filled with cash. The machine will have $2,000 in cash available on a typical day, but up to as much as $15,000 during large festivals such as St. Patrick's Day or Evel Knievel Days.

Police Capt. Jerome McCarthy says the ATM, which will be in the jail lobby, should be available for use within two weeks.

"We plan to have it operational by St. Patrick's Day," McCarthy said.

A Joke

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening, as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about you trying the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow ! . . . You mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

The Dot

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Seattle has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Saturday, February 07, 2009

I am not fit to be an officer in the Swedish Army



It takes about 10 minutes. Listen carefully.

What it's like to be a 14 year-old boy

Want It!



Well, I would if I knew anyone with a baby.

Mojo - I used it and it works great


Share any song in your iTunes library and download any song from your friends' iTunes libraries over the internet with freeware application Mojo.
o get started, you need to download and install Mojo on your computer (it's fully ready to go on Macs, and currently in beta for Windows). The first time you run Mojo, you'll be asked to create an account. Do that, then you'll see the Mojo friends window, which is much like a buddy window on an instant messenger client. Granted, you won't have any buddies in this window to begin with (unless it's also been installed by another computer on your local network), but don't worry, you will.
Next, let's say your friend downloads and installs Mojo as well. They give you their user name, you hit the little plus (+) sign to add them as a buddy, and they're sent an approval request. They approve you, and voilà—you now have access to every song in their iTunes library.

Bumper Sticker of the Week

Even as an adult, I can still appreciate Spongebob Squarepants


Wednesday, February 04, 2009

School has pole dancer for career day (probably NSFW)

GAWPING teenagers watched a busty brunette give a pole dance lesson during their school lunch break.
A packed crowd of around 1,000 teenage students – aged 14 to 19 – saw the saucy display as part of a health drive.

Several hundred show up to protest global warming

Hey Rush!

New - photo M&Ms

Al-Qaeda in gay rape horror

EVIL al-Qaeda chiefs are raping young male converts to shame them into becoming suicide bombers, it emerged yesterday.
The intense social stigma and fear of more gay sex attacks leaves Muslims prepared to die.

Sunday, February 01, 2009