“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of a trailer has a gun.”
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nuthin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment ye set foot in th’ place, they'll buy ye a drink, then another, all the drinks ye like, actually. Then, when ye've had enough drinks, they'll take ye upstairs and see dat ye gets laid, all on th’ house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" –they asked.
"Well Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
*ROFL. CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing. Can't Get Up
*DWI: Driving While Incontinent
*LOL: Living On Lipitor
*OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!
*OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
*IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
*WTF: What's Today's Fish?
*IMHMO: In My HMO.
*RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
*BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
*TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
*FWB: Friend With Betablockers
*FYI: For Your Indigestion.
*JK: Just Kvetching
*TTYL: Talk To You Louder
*MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
*LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
*MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor
*SUK: Speak Up, Kid
*WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
*GOML: Get Off My Lawn
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Mankato, MN, decided to expand
the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to
see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To
celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro
and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was
quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only
vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table;
asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand); so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried
to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took
a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she
nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a
small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner.....after
which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe
closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured
out he was in the furniture business.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
- At what age your child should be able to remove a bottle cap by taking out his glass eye and using his eye
- Which offense requires administering The Flying Dutchman Wedgie
- How to prevent sogging the quartermaster
- The best place to maroon your disobedient child
- How to remove chewing gum or a giant octopus from your child’s hair
- The difference between plundering and pillaging
- How to convert your minivan into a pirate schooner
- When to smack your teenager in the side of the head with an oar
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"