Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A Good Movie


It looks like just a dumb movie, but it's actually sweet and funny. One of the best lines is, "Helpfulness is just love with it's boots on."

AND it has a cat named Pooter.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Denver, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going..

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak..

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

One Semester of Spanish Love Song

Why male elk have long antlers (or boys will be boys)

Saturday, December 27, 2008

A bit of history

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know .

Snowshoeing




Friday, December 26, 2008

How old is YOUR brain?



The site instructions are in Japanese, so read below!

1. Touch 'start'
2. Wait for 3, 2, 1.
3. Memorize the numbers positions on the screen, then click the circle from the smallest number to the biggest number.
4. At the end of game, the computer will tell you the age of your brain

The Transformation

Thursday, December 25, 2008

And then the fight started

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high schoo reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....

****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly, you really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A Collection of the Best of Roger Ebert Movie Reviews

I had a nice conversation with seven or eight people coming down on the escalator after we all saw "Silent Hill." They wanted me to explain it to them. I said I didn't have a clue. They said, "You're supposed to be a movie critic, aren't you?" I said, "Supposed to be. But we work mostly with movies."

On the first page of my notes, I wrote "Starts slow." On the second page, I wrote "Boring." On the third page, I wrote "Endless!" On the fourth page, I wrote: "Bite-size shredded wheat, skim milk, cantaloupe, frozen peas, toilet paper, salad stuff, pick up laundry. -- "Exit to Eden"

Keanu Reeves is often low-key in his roles, but in this movie, his piano has no keys at all. He is so solemn, detached and uninvolved he makes Mr. Spock look like Hunter S. Thompson at closing time. -- "The Day the Earth Stood Stil

A Feel-good Christmas Story

Anyway, with the economy six feet under and Christmas running on about three and a half reindeer, it's nice to know that one of the best presents you can give is still absolutely free.

Be good or Santa is going to pop a cap in your ass.

What I learned at work yesterday.

It is illegal to operate a surfboard while under the influence of alcohol but not a dog cart or bicycle.

Mac vs. PC

The Difficulties of Truck Convoys in Afghanistan

CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare.. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read these tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a wonderful Christmas season!!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Extreme Poodle Grooming



Nica better hope I don't get drunk and buy a case of spray paint.

I'm getting old?


Tonight Suzanne and I were telling her daughter about how funny it was to watch, "A Very Brady Christmas." The 13 year-old said:

"What's the Brady Bunch"

She had never seen it.

We won't make her watch it.

The Netflix Box just keeps getting cooler


The Netflix Player by Roku is the latest Netflix-compatible device to offer HD video support. The free firmware upgrade (version 1.5) adds the ability to access the approximately 300 or so titles in Netflix's streaming library that are currently available in high-definition.

It's sweet.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Montana Temperature Conversion Chart

60 above
Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats.
Montana people sunbathe.

50 above
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Montana people plant gardens.

40 above
Italian cars won't start.
Montana people drive with the windows down.

32 above
Distilled water freezes.
Montanans store their beer outdoors.

20 above
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Montana people have the last cook-out before it gets cold.

15 above
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Montana people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees
Californians fly away to Mexico.
Montanans lick the flagpole.

20 below
People in Miami cease to exist.
Montana people get out their winter coats.

40 below
Hollywood disintegrates.
Montana Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

60 below
Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Montana Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

80 below
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
Montana people rent some videos.

100 below
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Montanans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Montana cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

460 below
ALL atomic motion stops.
Montana people start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?"

500 below
Hell freezes over.
The Montana State Bobcats take the championship

Yeah, it's kind of like that.

Barbie and The Birds

How to read flowcharts

The logic of Bush

"I've abandoned free-market principles to save the free-market system."

A good business

A new cologne - from Burger King. (really)


Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat.

Mac Tip - Zoom in on a screen

CTRL then up on the mouse pad.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Santa had a problem flying between Two Dot and Harlowtown

A Heart-warming Story


My grandson was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.’

I am so proud of that kid.

If the Iraqi's can throw shoes at Bush, so can we!


As a sign of your admiration, please feel free (compelled) to send your old shoes to;

George W. Bush Presidential Library
c/o SMU
6425 Boaz Lane
Dallas TX 75205

Top 10 Scariest Santas


Let's face it, Santa's a creepy guy. He lives in a secluded place, he slides down chimneys in the middle of the night, and to top it all off, he invites your children to sit on his lap...at a mall! Looks like someone should make a list and check it twice on this big guy. Very naughty and not very nice... we give you our top 10 picks for the all-time scariest Santas.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Want It!

First Amendment Win

Awake - worth watching


It's scary, it will make you squirm and it has Jessica Alba.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favourite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner, who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.

A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks,

P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.

Want It!

How cold is it?



So cold they don't even bother to put the temperature in the online newspaper.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Thursday, December 11, 2008

40 Inspirational Speeches in 2 minutes

"Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor? No!"

Interesting name for a wireless network

I"ll be listening to this Christmas song several times a week.

A Christmas song I can remember all the lyrics to.

It's not so much that the familiar renditions of holiday songs are awful, it's that the familiarity breeds contempt. I like Springsteen's "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" but hearing it three times an hour from Thanksgiving to Christmas for the last quarter-century kind of wears it out.

Want It!

The Geography of Men and Women

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered,
half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but
still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a
glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving,
but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a
mysterious past an d the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts....

A Joke

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his "private part" hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.

"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Why we put the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?"

And thus began the tradition of sticking the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

How to be really, really stupid.


PONTIAC, Mich. — A medical examiner's office in Michigan has canceled public school tours after a high school group watched the autopsy of a 14-year-old girl from their district.

The Detroit News reports Monday that Oakland County officials decided to stop the tours in Pontiac after they were contacted by the girl's parents, who were very upset about the March tour.

Mike Zehnder, the county's director of public services, says it was "a poor decision" to let the tour go on.

The newspaper reports the teacher who brought in the Waterford Kettering High School group was told the autopsy would be of a Waterford middle school student and discussed that with students.

Nine Inch Nails - an awesome concert



The link cannot show the coolness that was their "light show". For those of us that saw it, there is no way to adequately describe it.

You know you stay in the same hotel alot when . . .


you are greeted by name by:

the desk clerk
the day bartender
the night bartender
the wireless network.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

I just put up my Christmas lights.



Let me know if you need any help putting up yours.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Live video of the Tenderloin in San Francisco

Want it!



Well, I'd want it if it fit my camera.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Driving to work


Brilliant!


Visual Tension Indication
SmartBolts® is the only tension indicating fastener system featuring an eye-catching visual indication of a potentially dangerous condition, obvious even from a distance and in moving machinery.

Saturday, December 06, 2008