Monday, December 31, 2007

If celebrities looked like real people

Johnny Depp
Pam Anderson

Old portraits with snarky comments


Olan Mills backdrop #4: Bucolic Meadow with Split Rail Fence. Is that an animal carcass behind her?

Quote of the year?

UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area."

My computer came today!


You may notice that this computer is not a 15 inch MacBook Pro laptop. Nope, it's a 24 inch iMac desktop computer. Which I had to go to Fed Ex to pick up AND THEN go back to Fed Ex to send back to Apple.

I spent an hour on the phone. On the first call, after 10 minutes a voice came on telling me the Apple store was closed, I should call back on January 2nd and IT HUNG UP ON ME!

When I called back, it took another forty minutes to:

1. Convince the person that I had, in fact, not received a Macbook Pro.
2. Get the shipping changed from Fed Ex to my house (this was also to have been done on December 22, 24 and 29.)
3. Be told that I would get a $75 store credit for my hassle in having to send the wrong shipment back.
4. Be told by a supervisor that I WOULD NOT be getting $75 store credit, because I had already been given $100 for the last mistakes by Apple (losing the MacBook Pro when it shipped) and that it was just too bad that I would have to make two extra trips to Fed Ex because Apple sent the wrong package.



My MacBook Pro is to be here on Friday. If that doesn't work out, I'm done.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Geek Joke

I will totally see this movie


THE creator of Ali G and Borat has been persuaded by Steven Spielberg to move from comedy to serious politics by playing a hippie opponent of the Vietnam war.

In The Trial of the Chicago Seven, Sacha Baron Cohen will portray Abbie Hoffman, a figure from the 1960s counterculture who used a series of pranks to campaign against the war

Montana leads nation in per capita bar spending

By dividing the revenue for alcohol sales at drinking establishments by the state’s population, it works out to a figure of $258. That’s what every man, woman and child in the state would have spent in drinking establishments in 2002 if every man, woman and child in the state drank. Of course, not every man or woman, and hopefully none of the children, spent that amount in bars, which means some of us spent a lot more than $258.

The national average for per-capita spending at drinking establishments, by the way, was just $52. Forty-three states didn’t even reach triple digits.

Only Montana, Nevada, Alaska, North Dakota, South Dakota, Wyoming and Wisconsin were over $100 in per-capita spending.

The number of drinking establishments Montanans have to choose from may have something to do with the high spending. While only six states have fewer people than Montana, 26 of them have fewer drinking establishments. States with millions more people, such as Georgia and North Carolina, had fewer than Montana’s 632 drinking establishments in 2002.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Saloons of the Old West

The Stuff They Drank:

Red Dynamite - guaranteed to blow your head off.
Brave Maker - makes a hummingbird spit in a rattlesnakes eye.
Joy Juice - the first sip will make you steal your own clothes, the second will make you bite your ears off and the third sip will make you save your own mother-in-law from drowning.
Bumblebee whiskey - the drink with a sting that will make your ears buzz.
Brigham Young Whiskey - one jolt and you're a polygamist seeing double.
Red Disturbance - will raise a blister on a rawhide boot.
Block and Tackle - you'll walk a block and tackle anything.
Taos Lightening - it will strike you down on the spot.
Corpse Reviver - will make the dead rise.
Lamp Oil whiskey - it will keep you lit.
White Mule - has a mighty kick.
Miner's Friend - it will out blast any other explosive.
Creeping Whiskey - creeps up behind you and knocks you down.

I think I've had a few of these.

Learn who really likes you

Enter your first name in the first line.

In the second line, enter the name your sweetie calls you (pumpkin face, sugar buns, whatever.)

Click on "visulizar'

Friday, December 28, 2007

I hadn't seen you since 1997, but goodbye old friend. You were pretty cool once upon a time.


Netscape Navigator, now owned by AOL, will no longer be supported after 1 February 2008, the company has said.

In the mid-1990s the browser was used by more than 90% of the web population, but numbers have slipped to just 0.6%.

If you pack lithium batteries, the terrorists might win

"WASHINGTON (AP) — To help reduce the risk of fires, air travelers will no longer be able to pack loose lithium batteries in checked luggage beginning Jan. 1, the Transportation Department said Friday."

Remember all those planes that fell out of the sky due to the terrorists putting loose lithium batteries in their bag? And the last time your camera bag started on fire because you had a couple of loose lithium AA batteries in your bag?

I've carried two to four loose lithium batteries in my camera bag for the last five years and I can't count the number of houses and vehicles that I've burned up.

I can't believe this sentence made it into the New York Times

"The window onto her future was hard to digest."

Eastern Promises - a movie worth seeing

Russian mafia, a mysterious baby, Russian exiles, crosses and double-crosses.

Figured I would get out in front of the pack with this one

Providing Federal Trade Commission testimony today before the U.S. House of Representatives’ Subcommittee on Commerce, Trade, and Consumer Protection of the Energy and Commerce Committee, Bureau of Consumer Protection Director Lydia Parnes addressed issues related to the National Do Not Call (DNC) Registry, Internet safety, and financial services. Specifically, Parnes said that after carefully considering changes that have taken place since the Registry was implemented in June 2003, “the Commission now commits that it will not drop any telephone numbers from the Registry based on the five-year expiration period pending final Congressional or agency action on whether to make registration permanent.”

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Update - It is not meant for me to have a MacBook Pro

Wednesday December 26th

I received notice that it had shipped on the 24th. Today (26th) I checked Fed Ex and found out that "Package Data was given to Fed Ex" but nothing on where the package actually is. So I called Apple for the 6th time and after 20 minutes and being forwarded three times I found out:

No one knows where the Macbook Pro is. Apple and Fed Ex both lost the data.

I now have to wait until January 2nd to see if I get it. If it isn't here then, I have to file a claim and they will ship me a new one. That will be 26 days after I first ordered it and 13 days after I shipped the broken one back.

And I still won't have a Macbook Pro.

Thursday, December 27th

I discovered that Apple shipped it to the same Fed Ex address as previously, instead of to my home address, as they were supposed to. Apple also promised me that it would be shipped 2nd day Express but instead sent it by Fed Ex Ground. Which means it will repeat the same steps before of being refused and sent back to the factory, because Fed Ex Ground can't deliver to Fed Ex Express.

For the second time an Apple employee told me, "Ask to be transferred to me at extension ##### if you have any problems." And when I called back there was no such extension. I've been also promised a $100 rebate but that is "under review." That would be about 30 cents a minute for all the time I've been on the phone to Apple and Fed Ex.

The theoretical delivery date has been moved from the 27th to the 31st. So if it is sent back and this travesty continues it will be sent for round 3 about the time I embark on a multi-week road trip from Glendive to Kalispell, meaning that I will only be in Helena on Thursdays and Fridays for the rest of January. And if I don't pick it up in three working days of attempted delivery (on say, a Monday) . . . they send it back to the factory.

I'm screwed.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Saloons of the Old West

This is a delightful book I'm reading. It's a history of the western saloon, told by a quirky and entertaining writer. Here's a poem from the book:

The horse and mule live thirty years
And never knows of wines and beers.

The goat and sheep at twenty die
Without a taste of scotch or rye.

The cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is mostly done.

The dog at fifteen cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.

The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for noggs and dies at ten.

But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive three-score years and ten.
And some of us...though mighty few
Stay pickled 'til we're ninety-two.

Bad Book Title

Darwin Award Candidates

6 people go to the river to get shellfish. None of them can swim. Two of them drown. Do they sign up for swimming lessons?

Nope.

"He said the park should put up warning signs and provide safety equipment such as rope or life vests to prevent a similar tragedy in the future.'

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Extreme Christmas - Woman transforms homes of the super rich into winter wonderlands

Anderson remembers well the investment banker from London, with his wife and kids, arriving on Christmas Eve at their house on the lake. As she scrambled to prepare, the UPS man was constantly passing the FedEx man at the door.

Dishes. Glasses. Caviar cups.

At one point, he opened his truck and inside were eight cardboard boxes, each containing a fresh-cut Christmas tree, shipped overnight all the way from the East Coast.

“Now who in the world,” she wondered, “in this land of trees, this land of Christmas, this land of winter, would ship in Christmas trees all the way from the East Coast? It was insane.”

Unwrapping the Miraculous Logistics Behind Operation Christmas

Let's be honest: There is no jolly old elf with flying reindeer who slides down chimneys and leaves gifts for every good little Christian boy and girl on Earth. That's ridiculous.

But then, where do the presents come from?

Here's our theory: There is, in fact, a nonsupernatural Santa. It's a transnational corporation with one mission-critical fulfillment goal: Every kid who celebrates the holiday gets a toy on Christmas eve.

Wired spoke with business process consultants, surveillance experts, shipping pros, and a former Navy SEAL to piece together the basic outlines of the operation — focusing, for purposes of this exposé, on points of service in the continental US. From command and control at the North Pole to secret manufacturing facilities in China and Eastern Europe, from the Pacific shipping lanes to the deployment of domestic-access operatives, Santa owns the silent night. With NSA surveillance tech, they see you when you're sleeping, and they know when you're awake. They know when you've been bad or good — thanks to algorithms that make Google look like Pong. You better not shout. You better not cry. Operation Santa is coming to town.

Monday, December 24, 2007

No snow for Christmas

My MacBook Pro was given to Fed Ex in California today

The adventure begins again. (see post below)

Tatooing goes insane

Surely y’all have heard of females getting silicone breast implants what if I tell you that a guy got the silicone implant? Really, tattoo fanatics can go extremes. Everyone wants to get inked in some unique way but this guy has something which is sure to take you by surprise. He got a tattoo of a chick with ginormous breasts and got silicone implants.

The 'Winners' of the Wired News Saddest-Cubicle Contest

Santa's Covert Operations Uncovered

The December issue of Wired Magazine details the high-tech operation behind Santa's yearly deliveries. According to Wired, Santa oversees a massive network of container ships, naughty/nice surveillance, and special-ops helpers trained for covert entry into homes.

The Rolling Exhibition

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Check your balls

Interesting Essay

Flathead County is very unique for many reasons: (1) It is 70% registered Republicans; (2) There is a strong migration path history of Deep South Dixie Post-Civil War immigrants settling here; (3) "Outsiders" currently moving here, from all over America, to enjoy and preserve this "last best place", are not welcome to contribute to and participate in local government; (4) The multi-generational native-born "locals" believe that the wildlife is for hunting and their national forest habitat is for logging, coal mining, oil & gas exploration, real estate development, and a personal playground for their motorized recreational vehicle access; (5) It contains much of Glacier National Park, the Great Bear Wilderness Area, the Bob Marshall Wilderness Area, and Flathead National Forest.

Friday, December 21, 2007

How to (not) get a new Macbook Pro laptop

1. Order Macbook Pro laptop directly from Apple.
2. Have them deliver it directly to the Fed Ex Express office for pickup, since I'm never home during the day.
3. Follow the tracking online and see that it was delivered to the Fed Ex Express office,
4. Go to the Fed Ex Express office, only to be told that it is at the Fed Ex Ground office.
5. Wait 4 hours until the Fed Ex Ground office is open (7 p.m. to 8;30 p.m.)
6. Wait 30 minutes while the Fed Ex Ground office crew politely stop their loading line to search for your package.
7. Package was not found.
8. Call Fed Ex 1-800 number to find out that the package was shipped Fed Ex Ground to Fed Ex Express office in Helena, which is two blocks away from Fed Ex Ground office.
9. Be told that Fed Ex Express cannot accept packages from Fed Ex Ground and therefore Fed Ex Express gave the package back to Fed Ex Ground.
10. Package is on its way BACK to California.
11. Pick up different package that was sent to UPS in Helena, to be picked up at UPS. UPS called and said, "Your package was shipped to us for you to pickup at our office, come and get it." Get UPS package.
12. Three days after MacBook Pro was being sent to California, get call at 8 a.m. to pick up package at Fed Ex Ground, if I can be there in 1/2 hour. Run like hell with dog (since I was a mile away from my house) to go get package. Get package, compliment Helena Fed Ex Ground staff for being great fellows.
13. Take Macbook Pro home, fire it up.
14. Discover that right speaker goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee" all the time. ALL the time.
15 Call Apple Support for technical assistance.
16. Explain to Amir that taking it in to my nearest Apple Store is a three-day drive.
17. Tell Amir to look at a frigging map, I'm being truthful about that three-day drive to Denver or Seattle.
18. Try tech support suggestions.
19. Samir, they didn't work. Bump me up the line to a supervisor.
20 Speak to nice people in Tech Support who agree, "It's broken."
21. Ask to get bumped to a supervisor. Explain I don't want a repair on a brand-new laptop, I want a new laptop.
22. Get approal to send the brand-new laptop in and have a new brand-new laptop sent to me.
23. Go home, uninstall all my programs and setttings, Why should they know that I like to surf, "Asian midget wrestlers who crochet"?
24. Put the computer, cord, remote control, installation disc 1, installation disc 2, etc back in the box Wrap it all up in original packaging. Tape shut, following all the printed Fed Ex (Shipping or Ground? FUCK! I DON'T KNOW! directions.)
25. Take to Fed Ex Express Office.
26. She scans it and says, "OK. Here's your receipt and tracking number."

Stare at her until she asks if if I'm OK, but it just hasn't been that easy. I fully expected Fed Ex Express to say, "Could you stand there for a few moments. We need you to keep your hands in the open until the police get here and we refuse this package. "

NEXT WEEK: Does Doug ever get a working Macbook Pro?
Do you know who makes the rules?

As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage , we, without hesitation, play by the rules We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules.

As golfers, we are ruled by the rules.
Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game. And as citizens, we must follow the rules of law for so many things we do every day.But just in case you have been pondering this, all your life, as to who actually makes the rules, please note the following:

Multicultural Christmas Joke

I finally got my Christmas tree up -

I kept having to stop and take a pee.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Your Gift

My dear friends and family,

It is somewhat embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below.

These slippers are:
* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.
How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.

Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically ap pealing), etc.

The Snow Fairy

There is talk up North about a Snow Fairy who appears at night and shovels sidewalks and driveways.

During one winter he was sighted and someone was lucky enough to get his picture!

Maybe he'll came and do your driveway and sidewalk too if you have been good this year

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Christmas Carols for the Psychologically Challenged...

1) Schizophrenia---- Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?

2) Amnesia-- I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas

3) Narcissistic-- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

4) Manic-- Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And............

5) Multiple Personality Disorder----We Three Queens Disoriented Are

6) Paranoid---Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us

7) Borderline Personality Disorder--- You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why

8) Full Personality Disorder--- Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire

9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

10) Agoraphobia---I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

11) Senile Dementia---Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe

12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder---I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

13) Social Anxiety Disorder---Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate

14) Attention Deficit Disorder--We Wish You......Hey Look!! It's Snowing!!!

Season's Greetings

To All My Hippie Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low -stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.


To My Beer-drinking Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Is it Christmas yet?

Swinging buck

Merry Christmas from London

From: Mark XXXX
Sent: 14 December 2007 11:43
To: . All RED All Users
Subject: Extra Curricular Activities
Good Morning Everyone,
This morning the Office Manager from Sthree (company that occupies the 2nd floor) informed me that last night two people were caught enjoying 'relations' on one of their desks. The member of staff from Sthree was working late and heard something going on around the corner, after deciding to investigate he discovered the couple having sex and to his astonishment they noticed that he had noticed, but decided to continue anyway. Once 'finished' the lady in high boots asked the member of staff if there was a toilet she could borrow. Classy!
Ok, this does raise a few questions. If a horny couple decided to enter the office from the street they would have had to get past the main street doors without a fob and into Sthree's offices without a fob, which is a bit tricky. Sthree's main reception door in situated in the main atrium and is always open. Therefore, there is a good chance that they were already in the building. The member of staff describes them as dressed casually, pretty much like we are dressed most days. Also they appeared to be under the influence of alcohol…oh, that's right we have a free bar on the 5th floor.
So, the message here is quite clear, please make sure you know who is coming in the door behind you, make sure you can trust your friends when they visit the bar and make sure all office staff have gone home!
Thanks
Mark
P.S. If anyone does know who the copulating couple were, you can drop me a little email to save me the task of trailing through a whole evenings worth of CCTV! Thanks

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Best line from a bad movie (Hot Fuzz)

"He appointed himself judge, jury and executioner."

"He appointed himself Judge Judy, Executioner?"

Unicorn Deer


Roaming somewhere in the woods around Elma is the unicorn deer.

Captured on a motion-sensitive game camera, the adult deer appears to have a long antler sticking out of its head between it’s eyes.

Unicorn Deer


Roaming somewhere in the woods around Elma is the unicorn deer.

Captured on a motion-sensitive game camera, the adult deer appears to have a long antler sticking out of its head between it’s eyes.

Want It!


These pigs called Lokulokus are made out of a material that can retain its form even when squashed. It takes just a couple of seconds for it to recover. Check out the video.

Shredding contracts during Bush/Cheney

Friday, December 14, 2007

Moose vs. buffalo


(Follow the link for more pictures.)

An honest politician (with good advice)

DARWIN, Australia – A senior Australian Senator who was handcuffed in his underpants to a pole during a drunken night in a Russian strip club said Wednesday he learned from the experience to ``always wear clean underwear."

Senator Nigel Scullion said he enjoyed his night out in 1998 in St. Petersburg where, as a professional fisherman, he led an Australian delegation at a global fishing conference.

The escapade was first reported in Australian newspapers Tuesday, a week after the 51-year-old married senator was elected deputy leader of the opposition National party. He was first elected to Parliament in 2001.

"It was a terrific night," Scullion told Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio.

"If you ever get an offer to go drinking with Icelandic whalers and Canadian crab fishermen, take them up on it," he said.


"Two important lessons out of life from that: don't let anyone handcuff you to a post and make sure you always wear clean underwear," he added.

News media reported Scullion struggled to break free from the pole as a fight broke out between Russian sailors and other patrons. He fled the club partially clothed.

"Everybody has a colourful past," said Scullion, adding he is not ashamed of his behaviour.

Scullion is the latest Australian legislator to face scrutiny over a history in strip clubs.

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd, who was elected last month, made a public apology in August after revelations he had a drunken night in a New York City strip club in 2003 when he was a senior opposition MP.

Wise Women

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Robot Chicken's Half-assed Christmas Special

Henckels a jerk

Rather than hearing whining about deer problems in Helena - or bothering the FWP Commission with it - I think it's time for the governor to take action.

As part of a push for physical fitness among state employees, the governor needs to gather them all at one edge of town and have them link arms, then start hiking toward the far corner of town. It will be the BIG Helena Deer Drive with everyone in town involved (isn't everyone in Helena employed by the state or at least hired as a state "consultant"?). The deer drive will simply push all the deer out of town and into the surrounding countryside.

If this needs to be repeated on a weekly basis, it could grow into a full-blown "physical-fitness program" for state employees, which will likely win the governor some kind of green-ness, touchy-feely-cuddly-to-fuzzy-critters award and appearances on national TV talk and news shows (which he seems to enjoy). Heck, we could even promote the governor's dog as a top-flight deer herder - maybe even write a book about it.

Depression

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Monday, December 10, 2007

Friday, December 07, 2007

How to Sleep

Customers Who Bought Items Like This Also Bought

Scroll down to see what else your fellow rabbit buyers might want.

It's a little NSFW even though it's Amazon.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Want It!


It's a radio controlled car.

AND A METAL DETECTOR!

Want It!

Want It!

The "Zap-A-Bug" electric racquet sends an indeterminate amount of voltage through a mesh screen, the better to both knock flying pests out of a the sky and cook them before they hit the ground.

Happy Dog

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

More stuff I don't need


LIMITED EDITION
HOLIDAY '07 FRAGRANCE
SERIOUS BLING.
It's our Signature 3.4 oz bottle covered in some serious bling.

Our classic blend of bergamot, vanilla, mandarin and nutmeg oils gets a modern twist when encrusted with SWAROVSKI crystals this holiday season.

Engraved with your dog’s name and hand numbered (limited to 500 pieces worldwide), its the perfect way to say happy holidays to a dog that never makes the naughty list.

Swift Kids for Truth on Rudi Guilliani

Monday, December 03, 2007

One car, no motor and a fun ride

You need to stick with it a minute or so to see what they are up to .

Nice Art


Regardless of what we do or do not understand about art, we can all agree, it stimulates our senses. Broecker has aroused our sense of taste (not to mention eliminated the need of elbowing our way to the bar) by hanging flat, glass containers with a variety of cocktails in the exhibition space. As the night progressed, the levels of the multi-coloured infusions diminished. By the end of the event, the art, itself, ran dry, and empty drinking glasses were returned to where they were originally placed.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

If you're wondering what to get me for Christmas . . .

On March 24th 2008, you’ll embark on a journey with a group of people
from all around the world.
You will fly, drive and stagger to 11 of the best party destinations on the
planet, and hammer your way through over 60 of the finest pubs on
earth.
From the world’s longest bar in Düsseldorf, Germany, to the party
capital of Prague, Czech Republic… through the best rock bar on the
planet in Phuket, Thailand, to New Zealand’s drinking heaven of
Queenstown…
…this is the adventure of your lifetime!