Sunday, April 30, 2006

A couple of snaps from floating the Missouri today


"Water will rise rapidly." so grab your surfboard.


If you are riding your surfboard and wipeout, please remember that as you swim to the surface you should note any species of fish, the depth at which they are feeding and what they are feeding on.

Raft? Check. Oars? Check. Lifejackets? Check. Dog? Dog? Never mind, she's self-loading.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Good song, fun video.

I want this webcam.

"I really like the new Logitech Quickcam Orbit MP - you can record videos and add live video effects and also use avatars."

This would be great for when I do videoconferences.

College students being stupid



On April 20 (4/20), students at the University of Colorado had a pot smoke-in. The area they chose to do this was clearly marked with sign that the area was under video and photographic surveillance. But still they smoked.

Now you can go online, identify one of the students and receive a $50 reward while they get a ticket for smoking pot.

Won't mommy and daddy be proud of how their little one is spending their tuition dollars?

Friday, April 28, 2006

I had this dream last night . . .

and they filmed it.

Want It!


1. It's made from Legos.
2. It breaks things.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

News from Iraq

The Pentagon announced the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) .

The "Good Old Boys" fighting unit will be dropped off in Iraq and be given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the deaths of Elvis & Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by next Friday .

The people you meet at garage sales - in Missoula


Then there was Roger Johnson, a UM senior in literature. Johnson was at the market for some climbing rope.
He plans to use it in the outdoor pornographic film he’s trying to make.
“I just think there’s a huge market for mountain porn,” Johnson said.
And he’s looking for women to audition.
“Today I’m looking for girls and rope,” Johnson said. “The girls need to have their own sense of morality, who don’t base the word ‘sin’ in a Christian construct. Like a preverbal sense of sexuality.”
One might wonder why Johnson chose the outdoor gear sale to look for his leading lady. Johnson said that outdoorsy people and mountaineers are often deeply inhibited by an Oedipus complex. Johnson said this type of
person subconsciously believes that by conquering the “mother” (nature/the mountain), he inherently kills the “father” (society) who discourages lust after the “mother” (still nature).
“These people are fairly rigorous, extremely neurotic and fanatical,” Johnson said. “A lot of what they’re doing is looking for a sexual outlet. I’m just here looking for my market share.”
Johnson used a nearby ski-waxing kit as an example for his point.
“This is an example of a direct metaphor like I’ve been saying,” Johnson said. “People waxing their sticks so they’ll slide better. I mean … I think it’s slightly obvious.”

ALSO the most brilliant ad campaign ever.

1. The initial 20 seconds of sound may be NSFW.
2. What a great smile.
3. No biting, please.

The most brilliant advertising campaign ever.

(At least from a guy perspective.)

1. NSFW
2. It may take awhile to load.
3. What a great smile.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

JOIN THE WOMEN'S OSX ARMY!

Fox (coyote) hunting in Montana



No need to worry about any interference from PETA - the hunt is more than 50 miles from Missoula.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A nice day for a walk

Bikini Science = Obsessive Compulsive Disorder + women in swimsuits

A great resource for correct grammar and style in writing.

IDIOM: An idiom is just a way of expressing something that has been sanctified by use — often in violation of apparent logic, or at least not having an obvious logic behind it.

Some idioms can sometimes be figured out from the component words: if I say something is a dime a dozen, you can probably figure out that it means "cheap" or "common." Others are impossible to figure out logically. If you get on my nerves and I tell you to piss off, I'm asking you to go away — not to urinate from a great height.

Montana per capita personal income by county

Valley county surprised me.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Gas price temperature map

Now you can see what gas prices are around the country at a glance. Areas are color coded according to their price for the average price for regular unleaded gasoline.

The story of an attempt to fly a balloon over the North Pole.

You learn cool stuff on Wikipedia.

Find your lost golf balls.


1. I don't believe this really works.
2. I'd probably be better of spending $350 on lessons.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Dance, Monkeys, Dance



Required viewing.

Contains the "F" word a few times, so don't listen to it where you may offend the monkeys.

Technology is your friend.


Beginning in 2007, Miller beer will come in self-cooling cans.

Technology is your friend. Unless you are stupid.

She added: “The other day my husband came home and I had to explain why there was a van driver’s trousers in our tumble dryer. He was sitting in his cab, shivering in his boxer shorts.”

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Summer is almost here - get out!

Half and half

What's the status of your tax refund?

The IRS has a page where you can check the status of your tax refund. Note that you need the exact amount of your refund to use this.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Bumper sticker of the week

2006 Things To Do - Visit all of Montana's Brew Pubs - The Glacier Brewing Company



I had the Port Polson Pilsner and was not impressed. The beer garden looked like it could be fun on a Friday night.

Want It!



What could be cooler than a Swiss Army knife?

A Swiss Army knife with an MP3 player.

New Postal stamps

"Boring lessons are preparation for life."

I always suspected this.

Barry Williams, a lecturer at Hertford Regional College in Cambridgeshire, said that those who believed his teaching style was dull "just don't understand the nuances and subtleties of my lessons. When they say to me: 'Mr Williams, that girl is looking out of the window staring at a tree,' I say: 'Do they not recognise the advanced stages of Zen Buddhism which I have brought into my lessons?' I am in fact producing adults who will be able to watch party political broadcasts."

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Found! Boy's Hat.


As my friend Tim said, "How do you think these people handle real life?"

Brilliant! or Stupid?

Paw prints show kids how much toilet paper to use. Kids follow the prints to the puppy and tear off the right amount

POP-UP® Tub dispenses watermelon scented, flushable moist wipes one-at-a-time to help get kids cleaner

Summerime Traffic in the Flathead

Watch on the lower right for the guy who gets trapped between a car and a motorcycle.

2006 Things To Do - Visit all of Montana's (almost) Brew Pubs


As I was cruising through Woods Bay on the east side of Flathead Lake I glanced up and saw a sign for the "Raven Brewpub." I hadn't heard of this brewery before so I turned around and went back. As it turns out, they USED to be a brew pub/brewery but are no longer. However they do have brews on tap from the Flathead Brewing Company which is right across the street.

This is a great little place. The beer is the second freshest on the block an it looked like they made great martinis. The Green Chili and Chicken Chipolte burrito was wonderful and in the summer they have sushi. The deck overlooks Flathead Lake and there is a small motel across the street. They have Monday Margarita specials, Full Moon parties and Sunset parties. A great couple of days could be spent running around the Flathead during the day and then coming back to the Raven to split your evening wandering between the Flathead Brewery Tap Room, the Island Hotel and the deck of the Raven.



They have a dock but no one is allowed to use it. Qouth the Raven, "Never moor."

2006 Things To Do - Visit all of Montana's Brew Pubs



Somehow I forgot that i would be driving past today. Once you can actually find it (see Raven's Brew Pub post) it's a great place. They just opened on September 17, 2005 and have already won international brewing awards. The bar is made from wood salvaged from the lake and it's a friendly, comfortable tap room. The nautical theme is extended to the "head" which has a porthole mirror and a display of marine knots.

I recommend the "Mile 26" and the "Last Train Home Scottish Ale."

Still to come:

Bayern Brewing
Big Sky Brewing
Bitter Root Brewing
Bozeman Brewing
Glacier Brewing Company - Polson
Great Northern - Whitefish
Harvest Moon - Belt
Lang Creek - Marion
Montana Brewing - Billings
Red Lodge Ales
Wolf Pack – West Yellowstone

Monday, April 17, 2006

Which church do your neighbors go to?

The U.S. Census Bureau, due to issues related to the separation of church and state, does not ask questions related to faith or religion on the decennial census. Accordingly, there are few sources of comprehensive data on church membership and religious affiliation for the United States. Perhaps the leading organization to address this gap is the Glenmary Research Center, which publishes Religious Congregations and Membership in the United States, 2000. The following series of county-level choropleth maps, which reveals the distribution of the larger and more regionally concentrated church bodies, draws on this resource.

The map below is Baptists.

Brokeback Mountain in Thirty Seconds (as re-enacted by bunnies)

Not quite summer / Blech! Monday

Sunday, April 16, 2006

"The Matador" - go see this movie

Pierce Brosnan is a sexually active/ambigous hit man who meets regular guy businessman Greg Kinnear in a bar in Mexico City. Then things get weird.

A wicked funny comedy.

Some of the good lines:

"I'm as serious as an erection problem."

Julian Noble: An assasin without confidence is a horrible thing to behold. It's like a relief pitcher who fumbles the ball.
Danny Wright: Please tell me you know you mixed two sports in a metaphor.

Julian Noble: Tell me something, Gretchen. Where do they store the pretzels?
Australian Bar Waitress: Umm, in the back behind the kitchen.
Julian Noble: Is it private?
Australian Bar Waitress: Yeah.
Julian Noble: Can I come with you? This should cover it, right?
Australian Bar Waitress: What?
Julian Noble: That's five hundred dollars.
Australian Bar Waitress: You think I'm a whore? I mean, you think I'm a fucking whore?
Julian Noble: I think you work at a depressing airport bar for minimum wage and bullshit tips. And from the looks of your cheap haircut and puffy double-shift eyes, I thought you could use five hundred dollars and a good fuck. I guess I was wrong, huh? About the money that is... I apologize.
Australian Bar Waitress: [pausing, stunned by what she has just heard, before giving Julian the finger] Have a nice trip.

Objects in mirror are bigger than they appear

When fire drills go very, very wrong.

Airport

A fun little film using existing graphics.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

A portrait by the artist as a young child

2006 Things To Do - Visit All Of Montana's Brew Pubs



Neptune's Brewery is in Livingston. The beers are just OK, but the decor includes the jawbone of a whale and a swordfish.

This could be the most successful movie ever

The New Montana Barbie Collection

Billings Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Starbucks.

Bozeman Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.

Butte Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.

Great Falls Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus.

Havre Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T' shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit tobacco over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.

Missoula Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Friday, April 14, 2006

25 Signs You Have Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because t&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

"Skin good enough to eat."



"Sometimes a cigar is more than just a cigar." - Sigmund Freud

Better knowledge through science

The magical figures are (S+C) x (B+F)/T = V. Though the equation looks rather complicated, it is, according to the scientist, simple.

Brilliant? or Stupid?

Hey! I thought I booked a room at "The Best Little . . . "

Vote for the Montana quarter



I prefer the "ghostly floating buffalo skull" -

"YOU KILLED MY ANCESTORS! I WILL GIVE DISEASES TO ALL OF YOUR CATTLE!"

Monday, April 10, 2006

Sign on the outskirts of Plains Montana

It's not quite spring yet . . .




But construction season has already started (don't drive 93 between Missoula and Kalispell until . . . 2008.)

2006 Things To Do - Visit all of Montana's Breweries



The "Milestown Amber" pretty much sucked.

Two good bumper stickers

Unfortunately, no pictures at road speed,

"Metaphors be with you."

"Catch and release. In bacon grease."

I really would like to put the last one on my pickup, just to piss off the Orvisites (the out-of-state fishers wearing $2000 of fly-fishing gear who look down on those of us who actually catch and eat trout).

A Giant Centipede Devouring A Mouse

I'm going to quit complaining about having crickets in my yard.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

One of these things is not like the other

The Soggy Bottom Boys meet the Hollaback Girl.

The Problems With English Spelling

When the English tongue we speak.
Why is break not rhymed with freak?
Will you tell me why it's true
We say sew but likewise few?
And the maker of the verse,
Cannot rhyme his horse with worse?
Beard is not the same as heard
Cord is different from word.
Cow is cow but low is low
Shoe is never rhymed with foe.
Think of hose, dose,and lose
And think of goose and yet with choose
Think of comb, tomb and bomb,
Doll and roll or home and some.
Since pay is rhymed with say
Why not paid with said I pray?
Think of blood, food and good.
Mould is not pronounced like could.
Wherefore done, but gone and lone -
Is there any reason known?
To sum up all, it seems to me
Sound and letters don't agree.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

28 times?

How to write a thank-you note

A good reminder for all of us. I know I don't do this often enough.

I really appreciate getting thank-you notes for the gifts I give to my friends kids. A "Thank-you Uncle Doug" note in crayon is something to treasure.

The Public Rules of Male Friendship

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

(There are more rules to male friendship but women don't need to know about them. Particularly the rules that involve women.)

We're buying a new home!

Getting waaay geeky on music

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Sit, A Play In Four Acts

Average Dog Owner: "Sit!"
Average Dog: "OK."
Dog sits.
The End.

*clap*clap*clap*

Average Dog Owner: "Sit!"
Average Headstrong Dog: "Naw, I don't think so."
Average Dog Owner: "Puh-leeeese!"
Average Headstrong Dog: "OK."
Dog sits.
The End.

*clap*clap*clap*

Average Dog Owner: "Sit!"
Most Nordic Breeds, Many Terriers and a Smattering of Other Breeds (Henceforth "Dog"): "Naw, I don't think so."
Average Dog Owner: "Puh-leeeese!"
Dog: "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Dog wanders off and pees on something.
The End.

*clap*clap*clap*

Terrier Owner: "Sit!"
Terrier: "Naw, I don't think so."
Terrier Owner: "Do it. Now."
Terrier: "OK."
Terrier sits.
The End.

*clap*clap*clap*

Malamute Owner: "Sit!"
Malamute: "Naw, I don't think so."
Malamute Owner: "Do it. Now."
(the following exchange is on an almost psychic level)
Malamute: "Why? Because you said? Look Bub, I got family dealing with polar bears. You ain't nuthin'."
Malamute Owner: "Do it or I'll beat you with a stick. A big-ass stick." (The stick is a metaphor. Maybe.)
Malamute: "You mean that?"
Malamute Owner: "I mean that."
Malamute: "Oh."
Malamute sits.
The End

Fun with science

I may have to replicate this experiment on top of the Beartooth Pass (10,000 feet) and in Missoula (much lower altitude.)

Science is fun.

Something new to fish for

McDonald's Restaurant Employee Simulator

All too real. But it pays about the same.

I have no idea what the product is but it's a funny commercial.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Good new t-shirts




I only regret that I am now probably too old to be a cougar hunter. But I used to.