Tuesday, November 30, 2010

If printed t-shirts told the truth

Wish I Had Thought Of THe MacGyver Multitool

Want It!

TSA Joke

That which does not kill us makes us stronger

Want It!

And then the fight started. A Joke


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final
answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right
after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something
else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a
minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will l always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph , so
I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's
back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight
started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

A Joke

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

Monday, November 29, 2010

Three long stories about dogs and Modafinil

Story 1: Today Nica burst a cyst on her side, chewed off all the hair around it and licked it clean.

That white part in the middle is antibiotic after taking her to the vet. I came home after lunch at 3:30 and found her happy, but with a big bare patch leaking green goo on her side.

When I took her to the vet I missed the part about, "If you want to bring her in at 4:30 p.m. before we close at 6:00 we can have an URGENT visit." Urgent mean I waited for an hour and they charged me $63 dollars JUST for the waiting part. We will be talking about that.

So we come home and before I went to bed I made sure that Nica was wearing this:


Story 2: at 10:30 p.m I went to bed. Nica spent the next hour walking around the house and bumping into things. I finally got tired of the noise and got up and gave her 10 mg of the valium she has to keep her from getting too excited from fireworks.

When digging in the Valium jar I spotted a small 1/2 of a white pill and thought, "Damn, that must be some painkiller I have left from my broken arm or sore back." so I took it. Because I wanted to sleep too. And I went back to bed.

For an hour.

Story 3: Modafinil. That's what I took. A "wakefulness promoting agent" I got some years ago for those times when I finish a days work and then have to drive from Scobey to Helena or Malta to Bozeman. I take it about once a year and keep it with the valium because, well, the valium is always in my travel med kit. Fighter pilots take modafinil to stay awake on 14 hour fighter missions. It isn't an amphetamine - there is no "rush" but it also doesn't let your mind relax, you can spot deer for 400 miles because your brain is just . . working.

So now Nica is chasing rabbits on the couch and I. well, if you are my neighbor and hear me shoveling my walk at 3 a.m. I apologize. I'm bored. I'm too old to try and use beer to go to sleep and modafinil doesn't make me want to clean the bathroom with a toothbrush, it just makes me awake.

I wish it was summer so I could walk downtown and shoot pool until 2 a.m. But it is 16 degrees outside and I'm going to be awake.

For a long time.

Effing Brilliant

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Monday, November 22, 2010

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Dogs don't understand basic concepts like moving

A bunch of stuff





Or you could just turn your damn phone off or turn off the ringer. .

The PHONEKERCHIEF is made of a smart material that actually blocks phone signals and can be worn in any pocket as a symbol of this movement

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Want It!

Buy yourself a 2012 Ford Mustang Boss 302 and you can get a black key and a red key. The red key should be called the awesome key, because it opens up one big can of whoop-ass.
Like a schizophrenic with two personalities, Ford engineers have developed a “dual-path powertain control module” that creates what is essentially two different vehicles. The black key starts a car anyone could live with. The red “Trackey” adds powertrain control software for track use, providing race-caliber calibration and two-stage launch control. The Jeckyl & Hyde setup also alters more than 200 engine management parameters to increase low-end torque, adjust the variable cam timing and alter things like spark mapping, engine braking and more.


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Sunday, November 07, 2010

This doesn't bode well. Idiots!

House Democratic leaders signaled a desire Sunday to avoid internal leadership battles in an effort to forge party unity, a move that would leave the same team in place that oversaw the worst political rout in 72 years.

Rep. Chris Van Hollen (Md.) that efforts are underway to avert an ideological leadership campaign that would pit House Majority Leader Steny H. Hoyer (Md.) and Majority Whip James E. Clyburn (S.C.) against each other for the position of minority whip.

Hoyer, 71, has been considered the leadership's bridge to conservative Democrats and Clyburn, 70, is the highest-ranking African American congressman ever. They spent the weekend making calls in an effort to secure enough votes for the No. 2 leadership post after the decision byHouse Speaker Nancy Pelosi (Calif.) to remain in power next year as minority leader.

Pelosi's leadership team faces what could be an equally problematic issue. Many rank-and-file Democrats are enraged about the loss of 60 or more seats. Some are also disenchanted with the leaders in their 70s who have served in the top three spots for the past five years, with Pelosi and Hoyer being Nos. 1 and 2 for the past eight years, according to interviews with lawmakers, top aides and outside advisers.

Republicans, thinking that the election was a rejection of Pelosi's liberal agenda, are ecstatic about the prospect of her leadership team remaining intact.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Wondering

My New Truck

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work
.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
 
 
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
 
 
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, '
Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,
Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States
I love my truck...

A Joke

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked
around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Monday, November 01, 2010

Inbox Infinity


I could be mistaken, but I believe this is the widely used but little acknowledged 'archeological' filing system, a default of the brilliant-but-absentminded and not-so-brilliant-and-lazy professionals everywhere.

The system is beautiful in its simplicity, and for certain cases, extremely efficient, though admittedly, there are numerous cases where searchtimes can go well beyond O(n^2)

In a nutshell, it may described by the statement "The deeper it is, the older it is." This is usually implemented as one or mores stack (FILO) structures. In theory, this ordering can be maintained indefinitely, but extreme care is necessary.

In practice, however, those most likely to use this system are not willing or able to maintain the structure, and set items are apt to 'drift' randomly in their position in the stack, or unexpectedly shift to a different stack altogether. Lost set members are common, often ending up in a non-searchable null stack and considered unretrievable, unless or until the system is reset, which requires a time-consuming audit. Rather perversely, some adherents claim this as a feature of the system, saying "If I haven't found it in over a week, it must not have been that important anyway."


Sign Montage from the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear

New Music

The Undead - A Spotter's Guide

The Guide to Man Boobs

Do NOT want!

A new for one for the Westboro Baptist Church

"Mark 11:12-14 The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. 14Then he said to the tree, 'May no one ever eat fruit from you again.' And his disciples heard him say it."



Want It!

Catch fish faster and have more fun with the Aviva Fishin' Buddy. It's a one-of-a-kind radio controlled fishing boat that zooms to where the fish are with twin props. Simply bait the hook, troll the waters and keep an eye on the bobber. Landing the fish is easy: use the telescoping Retriever Rod to hoist the fish and boat back to land.