Monday, May 24, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
But she was dating someone else.
One day Doug got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Doug said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?'
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves
drunk people too!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Friday, May 21, 2010
"When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to t'corner store
wi’ a dollar, and I'd come back wi’ five pounds o' potatoes,
two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese,
a packet o' tea, an' a half a dozen eggs.
Ya' can't do that now…
Too many fuckin' security cameras."
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Friday, May 07, 2010
The President’s Cancer Panel is the Mount Everest of the medical mainstream, so it is astonishing to learn that it is poised to join ranks with the organic food movement and declare: chemicals threaten our bodies.
The cancer panel is releasing a landmark 200-page report on Thursday, warning that our lackadaisical approach to regulation may have far-reaching consequences for our health.
I’ve read an advance copy of the report, and it’s an extraordinary document. It calls on America to rethink the way we confront cancer, including much more rigorous regulation of chemicals.
Traditionally, we reduce cancer risks through regular doctor visits, self-examinations and screenings such as mammograms. The President’s Cancer Panel suggests other eye-opening steps as well, such as giving preference to organic food, checking radon levels in the home and microwaving food in glass containers rather than plastic.
In particular, the report warns about exposures to chemicals during pregnancy, when risk of damage seems to be greatest. Noting that 300 contaminants have been detected in umbilical cord blood of newborn babies, the study warns that: “to a disturbing extent, babies are born ‘pre-polluted.’ ”
Margaret, please tell Howard that I love him because he loves you. But that is about all the reaching across the aisle that I can handle. A few years back, millions of people across this nation and across the globe marched for peace. George Bush ignored us and we had to endure his lazy ass being in the White House for eight years.
So now a black man named Barack Obama, elected by the will of the people, has decided to fight for the poor, and work for world peace… and a bunch of white guys who think Fox really is News just can’t stand it.
Well, they can kiss my ass because I am tired of their belly aching.
This is exactly how our political system works. Sometimes your party is in and sometimes it is out. Your party is currently out. So shut the hell up and deal with it.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m all for a group of disgruntled citizens banding together to form a third political party because they don’t feel represented by the other two. But let’s be honest - this bunch of idiots doesn’t like that a black man is the most powerful man on the globe. I wonder if they know that, while 78% of the world is not white, only 13% of the United States is black. So they can relax. Barack and Michelle most likely will not be buying the house next door.
Tea Party members should listen up. As long as Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann are your torchbearers, you don’t have much credibility with me. One echoes between the ears and the other is 12 shy of a dozen. You honestly want me to think that your biggest issue is the cost of healthcare reform? You sat idly by while Bush squandered billions on a failed war, but all children having health insurance is too much to handle? That’s your beef? You realize, of course, that some of those children are white, don’t you?
Please. You might not be wearing hoods, but your misspelled signs are one step shy of a burning cross. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Trust me. It’s going to be eight long years for you Tea Party members. But we survived Bush and you’ll survive Obama. I mean it. Really.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did?"
"Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first."
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
At lush Pixie Hollow, gardeners don miner's headlamps as they begin uprooting stubborn weeds. On Main Street, custodians scrape chewing gum off the sidewalk. And over at Mickey's Toontown, painters sand and recoat chipped handrails.
Few see it happen, except perhaps for the dozens of feral cats that emerge from their hiding places to prowl the park after hours, stalking rodents.
Welcome to the dark side of Disneyland.