Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Good Coach

Congratulations on being selected for Team 7 (forest green shirts) of the Scituate Soccer Club! My name is Michael and I have been fortunate enough to be selected to coach what I know will be a wonderful group of young ladies. Chris Mac will also be coaching and I expect the ever popular Terry to return to the sidelines. Our first game will be Saturday April 4 at 10:00AM. There will be a half hour of skills followed by a 1 hour game, so total time will be 1.5 hours. All games will be played on the fields in the front of the High School. Each player will be required to wear shin guards and cleats are recommended but not required. A ball will be provided to each player at the first meeting, and each player should bring the ball to games and practices. There is no set practice time allotted for the U8 teams, but I will convene with the coaches to determine the best time and place. If there are cancellations due to rain, all notices will be posted via the Scituate Soccer Club website, no calls will be made (though I will try to send an email). Attached is the Schedule and Code of Conduct. After listening to the head of the referees drone on for about 30 minutes on the dangers of jewelry (time which I will never get back), no player will be allowed to play with pierced ears, hairclips, etc. We used to tape the earings, but that practice is no longer acceptable. Please let me know if your child has any health issues that I need to be aware of. My home phone is 781 XXX XXXX, my cell number is 781 XXX XXXX, and I check my email frequently. According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. For the others……

OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer. We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me. Coach MacDonald has been designated “good guy” this year.

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup. While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids and especially the refs, I was disgusted. The kids will run, they will fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding). If the refs can’t handle a little criticism, then they should turn in their whistle. The sooner they figure out how to make a decision and live with the consequences the better. My heckling of the refs is actually helping them develop as people. The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”. I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world. Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food. Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy. And at the risk of stating the obvious, blue slushies are for winners.

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks. I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life. Who’s with me?

Go Green Death!

Monday, March 30, 2009

A Joke

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

My Knowledge of Opera

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Top 50 Breweries in the U.S.



The southeast does not look like good beer country.

This sounds like me

"Over the past 6 months, I have been playing a fun game with my credit card company. The game finally backfired on me today and led me through the most hilarious moment of my life. Most people would have been embarrassed, but me, I'm a little twisted, so I laughed all the way through it . . ."

We went to this exhibit in Tampa

In like a lion, out like a lab

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Dear Mr. President

Dear President Obama,

Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know the one's down the street who in the good times purchased their house for no money down, refinanced it several times, then bought SUV's, ATV's, RV's, a pool, a big screen plasma TV, two Wave Runners, a boat, and a Harley.

I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?

Signed:
"Concerned in USA "

P. S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?

P. P. S. I almost forgot - they didn't file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?

Friday, March 27, 2009

A Joke

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look
like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I need to do some more editing on this photo but wanted to share it now


The hands are Suzanne, her sister Cindy and their grandmother.

I would like this house


I need to buy a skateboard again, just to work on my balance. Particularly since I live partway down a hill down which I could come after walking my dog uphill.

Best barstool for a nude bar.

I can't wait to till next Fred Phelps picket

I would like some eye bleach

Male Hair Distribution

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

How to choose the right tool

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh Crap!!!!'

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

This is a really bad graphic.



Do you know what it means? I couldn't figure it out, even though it's something we all already know.

In Florida, it's not just a quickie, it's the law.

Kayaking - always check your gear at the rental place






We went out once, but didn't want to kayak to a different island for breakfast using a paddle with a loose blade, a broken pump and a jacket without any working buckles.

It was good to sleep late in a tent on a warm, breezy morning.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Math and logic

Some people say they are giving 100%! What does that mean? Don't you wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where
someone wants you to give _over _100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,*

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with _mathematical certainty_, that while* Hard Work* and *Knowledge *will get you close, and* Attitude *will get you there, its the *Bullshit *and *Ass kissing* that will put you over the top.

A joke

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA, they decided to send it to the President.

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.

The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

What now?

Bad news for newspapers


Heavy debt has dragged several newspaper companies into bankruptcy. The industry’s dwindling revenues have forced some money-losing papers to close, and papers that are for sale are having trouble finding buyers. Experts say that before long, a major American city could be left without a daily paper

It's been a tough week,

Cruising around in a convertible and camping on the beach . . .

watching the sunset . . .

and NOT being up to my ass in alligators.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Winter Fishing the Little Blackfoot

Waiting for Green Grass

She gets bored when I fish the same hole for 1/2 hour.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Friday, March 13, 2009

Men are more intelligent, no . . . "Creative" than women.


Hamlet (as a Facebook News Feed)

The king poked the queen.

The queen poked the king back.

Hamlet and the queen are no longer friends.

Marcellus is pretty sure something's rotten around here.

Hamlet became a fan of daggers.

(More behind the link.)

Letter from the Boss

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change; I gave it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Coppertone Baby

Valentine's Fail

Very Cool Toilet

The Untold Story of the World's Biggest Diamond Heist

In February 2003, Notarbartolo was arrested for heading a ring of Italian thieves. They were accused of breaking into a vault two floors beneath the Antwerp Diamond Center and making off with at least $100 million worth of loose diamonds, gold, jewelry, and other spoils. The vault was thought to be impenetrable. It was protected by 10 layers of security, including infrared heat detectors, Doppler radar, a magnetic field, a seismic sensor, and a lock with 100 million possible combinations. The robbery was called the heist of the century, and even now the police can't explain exactly how it was done.

Ten Minute Raccoon Butt Shelf



A raccoon shimmied up a tree in plain view of my living room windows, stuck his head in a squirrel hole and couldn't get it back out. I made a butt shelf because he was just hangin' there twisting and turning and I needed to think about how to get him free without getting rabies or something. Next morning I drilled holes with a spade bit, joined the holes with a reciporicating saw and then chiseled the rest off. He climbed in the the hole and I climbed down the ladder.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

New iPod Shuffle


Apparently the tiny iPod Shuffle wasn't tiny enough. On Wednesday, Apple unveiled a 4GB Shuffle that's half the size of its predecessor.
The new device is smaller than a AA battery yet holds up to 1,000 songs, Apple said

Just Thinking

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dang it, I know where one of these is!


Maybe at a drive-in movie theater? It's going to drive me nuts until I remember (and go there.)

Now THATS Flying.


It looks like the beginning of a 60s Swedish porn film, but actually is a video of a real pilot and a stewardess smoking hashish, recorded recently in an Aeroflot flight, the Russian flag airlines.

The Iron Eagle Awards

Let's say you're a defense-company marketing executive. And you want to make a splash at the Indian defense ministry's annual air show. Do you: (a) buy expensive gifts for New Delhi's generals; (b) treat the press to Kingfishers and samosas; (c) produce a Bollywood-esque video featuring bare-midriff girls, flower-draped missiles, and the catch phrase "dinga dinga dee?"

Worth Watching - "Ghost Town"



A fun romantic comedy.

A Day In The Life of Abbey Road



Wait for the money shot at 1:35.

African Laxitive

A New Sport

New Laundry Tags

A Great Interview on NPR



Former Marine Donovan Campbell served three combat deployments, two in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. In Iraq, he commanded Joker One, a platoon of new Marines that he trained and transformed into a fighting unit. They were assigned to Ramadi, the capital of the Sunni-dominated Anbar province where they engaged in daily house-to-house combat with insurgents.

Campbell has written a memoir about his experiences with the platoon called Joker One: A Marine Platoon's Story of Courage, Leadership, and Brotherhood.

Remember these games?

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Man Gift - Beer Flavored Pasties

Glad this isn't my neighborhood

One of the reasons I sometimes think about moving to Canada

How do you get a bunch of drunk Canadians out of a swimming pool?

"Excuse me, could you all please get out of the pool?"

Saturday, March 07, 2009