Sunday, January 22, 2012

A Joke

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having
sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too nstrenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Monday, January 16, 2012

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Friday, January 06, 2012

Anatomy of a Stump Speech

A strong stump speech is one of the most important components of a presidential campaign. In an effective speech, a candidate can weave promises and attacks, lay out ambitious plans, and connect with voters on a personal level. Times reporters following the candidates have deconstructed and annotated four candidates’ stump speeches, providing context and checking facts.

The Greatest Animated Sports GIFs Of 2011

I would buy this for camping

Want It! - A Postmodern Elks Club Serving Some of the World's Best Beer

Seattle is the Best Place to Live

Q: Why do Seattle residents go to Tacoma pawn shops?
A: To get their stuff back.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Being A Man in Victoria's Secret

A man and his wife walk into a Victoria's Secret. As she's trying things on in the fitting room, the man wanders somewhat sheepishly around the store. Seeing this, a sales clerk walks up to him and asks if she can help him find anything.


"Yeah...uh...can you show me to the men's department?"


"Sir," she smiles, "all of these clothes are for men."


Best Soapbox Racer Ever!

2011 NFL Rankings by ESPN

I like to get together with some internet pals over at Fark to discuss ESPN’s rankings every week. We were always complaining about how erratic they seemed, so I decided to start graphing the new rankings every week. This is the final product for this regular season. Teams are sorted on the left by their Week 1 rank. Sorry if it makes everyone go cross-eyed. That’s kind of the point. :)

Monday, January 02, 2012

Stuff




New Year's Resolutions

What swims at 20 mile per hour and can carve out hunks of human flesh? The Humboldt Squid.

Cassell first heard about the "diablos rojos," or red devils, in 1995, from some Mexican fishermen as he was filming gray whales for German public television in Baja's Laguna San Ignacio. Intrigued, he made his way to La Paz, near the southern tip of Baja, to dive under the squid-fishing fleet. It was baptism by tentacle. Humboldts—mostly five-footers—swarmed around him. As Cassell tells it, one attacked his camera, which smashed into his face, while another wrapped itself around his head and yanked hard on his right arm, dislocating his shoulder. A third bit into his chest, and as he tried to protect himself he was gang-dragged so quickly from 30 to 70 feet that he didn't have time to equalize properly, and his right eardrum ruptured. "I was in the water five minutes and I already had my first injury," Cassell recalls, shaking his head. "It was like being in a barroom brawl." Somehow he managed to push the squid-pile off and make his way to the surface, battered and exhilarated. "I was in love with the animal," he says.

A Joke

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

One should hope for such a good obituary

SPIEGEL, Robert Robert Spiegel of Kensington was born in Brooklyn, NY on May 2, 1934, lived and subsequently died. Most of his noteworthy accomplishments happened in said middle part. A Professor Emeritus in the English department at Central Connecticut State University, Robert had the rare distinction in his career of receiving five grants from the National Endowment for the Humanities. Over the course of 43 years of teaching, he introduced countless neophytes to the wonders of the well-written word, passionately teaching the likes of Dostoyevsky, Vonnegut, Gogol, Gibson and virtually everyone in between. The final, and an immensely popular course he taught, was that of the literature of baseball. This was thinly veiled therapy to alleviate the trauma he sustained from coaching arguably the worst little league team in recorded (or unrecorded) history and from the sufferings he endured from 40 years as a devout Mets fan. Robert was a frequent Op Ed contributor to the Hartford Courant and NY Times, the latter of which, much to his chagrin, seemed to have long since relaxed the standards of its crossword puzzle. Also known to pen a poignant letter on subjects deserving, Robert was awarded the annual "Letters Writer Award" by the Hartford Courant in 1997. In addition to his university teachings, he also led popular book group discussions at the Peck Memorial Library. The son of Nathan and Kate Spiegel, Robert is survived by the love of his life, his wife Ursula; his daughter Lisa Billa and her husband Jayadev Billa, of San Jose, CA, parents of his grandsons Vishal, Vivek and Tejasvin; and his son Jeff (who if nothing else to show from his lineage, inherited his father's sardonic sense of humor) and his wife Vivian Yu, who ambitiously reside on Ambergris Caye in Belize. In addition to his immediate family, he is survived by his father-in-law, Dr. Gerald Blank and his wife Deenie; his brother-in-law Hal Herdey and his wife Karen; brother-in-law Dr. Michael Blank and his wife Dr. Marlene Eisenberg; his sister-in-law Naomi Blank; niece Lilo; nephews Isaac and Elijah; and his dear cousin Edward Solomon. Robert was predeceased by his parents, brother Charles, mother-in-law Lilo Blank, and his niece Dawn. Also departed before him was a bevy of beagles, all eternally loyal to their benevolent master, if not lacking a tad in their own intellect. At the end of his life, Robert battled with cardiac disease and dementia. Whereas the disease did thankfully erase most memories of the '62 Mets season, it eventually also claimed his life. Bedside vigil was fueled by lively conversation, background music of Jimmy Buffet and Bob Marley, chicken curry and the occasional smuggled glass of Glenlivet. On November 30, 2011, with his family by his side at the Hospital of Central Connecticut, Robert Spiegel passed away peacefully at the age of 77. Funeral services were private. Contributions in Robert's memory may be made to the Peck Memorial Library of Berlin, or to the Humane Society of Meriden. A celebration of Robert Spiegel's life will be held this spring (date and time to be announced) at Central Connecticut State University. Spicy food and good single malt will be served, casual attire expected.

A Joke

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.

Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.


Pulling a tooth using a Nerf gun

For Christmas, Your Government Will Explain Why It's Legal to Kill You

Summary:

  • The government dropped a bomb on a U.S. citizen,
  • who, though a total dick and probably a criminal, may have been engaged only in propaganda,
  • which, though despicable, is generally protected by the First Amendment;
  • it did so without a trial or even an indictment (that we know of),
  • based at least in part on evidence it says it has but won't show anyone,
  • and on a legal argument it has apparently made but won't show anyone,
  • and the very existence of which it will not confirm or deny;
  • although don't worry, because the C.I.A. would never kill an American without having somebody do a memo first;
  • and this is the "most transparent administration ever";
  • currently run by a Nobel Peace Prize winner.