Monday, March 31, 2008

Pie Chart of Procastination

The Five Minute Management Course, Lesson 1

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob, the next-door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great!' the husband says. 'Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Driving to work

Funny Customer Service Email

I buy South Park through iTunes. I forgot about the episode title when writing about a problem with a download. Here's part of the email I received from Apple:

"Dear Doug,

I'm sorry to hear that you did not receive "Major Boobage".


iTunes Store Customer Support"

I hope Barbara smiled as much writing the email as I did when reading it.

Did this happen in 1897, 1946 or last month?

Jeanne Hobbs wanted financial assistance from her tribe to get her roof fixed.

She was told no money existed.

Next, a tribal officer arrived at her doorstep intent on enforcing a new ordinance on the Rocky Boy’s Reservation in Montana that allowed the tribe to seize personal property — including homes, cows and computers — if a person had allegedly made defamatory remarks about a tribal leader.

If the accused was found guilty, the tribe could sell the property, banish the citizen from the reservation for up to five years and levy a $5,000 fine.
A second offense could lead to “relinquishment of enrollment” and a permanent ban from the reservation.

Banned citizens would be considered “legally dead and a nonentity with no civil rights,” nor could they “come before the courts of the tribe for any reason.”

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Political map of Montana

Science News - It has four heads

A new paper about the reproductive behaviour of the spiny anteater, to be published in the December issue of American Naturalist, makes for fascinating - if slightly disturbing - reading.

The spiny anteater (Tachyglossuss aculeatus) is a primitive mammal with an unusual four-headed penis. The animal is difficult to observe in the wild, and does not readily copulate when in captivity, so exactly how the male uses its penis was a mystery.

(NSFW - video contains the word, "penis" and has pictures thereof.)

Damn, it looks like something from the movie, "Alien."

Just get that video/funny picture from your aunt, cousin, friend, whoever? The one that was really cool six weeks or two months ago? Send them this

Chinese MC Hammer - video

Mom knits, he rocks.

A Golf Joke

'The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
> 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
> 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
> The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
> Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
> 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
> She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
> Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
> Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
> 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
> She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
> The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Hillary's Flimsy Case

"Nobody in American history has ever been better than the Clintons at calculating the electoral math of resentment, paranoia, media aggression and just flat-out, back-alley nastiness. Every day, the Clintons come up with some new and brilliantly devious way to color the subliminal background of the electoral canvas, from using comparisons to Jesse Jackson to buttonhole Obama as a "black candidate," to floating rumors of an "unstoppable" Hillary-Obama ticket —despite the fact that Hillary would rather eat a KFC bucket full of her own shit than run with Obama —in order to con on-the-fence voters into thinking that a vote for Hillary might also be a vote for Obama.

That's why it seemed so weirdly appropriate that Samantha "she's a monster" Power was forced to resign from the Obama campaign, while Gerry Ferraro could all but call Obama a nigger and then claim that she was the victim of discrimination.

Interesting Bit of Military History

Over the last half-century, the Paul E. Garber Preservation, Restoration and Storage Facility in Suitland, Maryland, has restored some of the rarest and most important aircraft in history: a Northrop Flying Wing, the B-29 that bombed Hiroshima, a World War I-era Nieuport 28C fighter. The Garber complex has played as crucial a role in preserving aerospace history as its spiffier counterparts, the National Air and Space Museum on the Washington, D.C. Mall and the Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center in Virginia. But in some ways, Garber is also like the Land of the Misfit Toys. Dark, dusty hangars house broken, battered pieces of equipment and aircraft waiting—often for years—for their moment to be brought back to life.

When the time comes, each aircraft is hauled out and taken apart, often down to the tiniest screw, and that is how the restoration team ends up discovering stowaways—unexpected objects hidden in nooks and crannies, sometimes dating back to the earliest days of the aircraft.

The New Homeland Security Threat Colors for Spring

Thursday, March 27, 2008

A few political opinions

A joke

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow air out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

30 Dumbest Video game Titles Ever

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Stuff White People Like

“Wil Shipley, a Seattle software developer, uses his iPhone at the Whole Foods fish counter to check websites for updates on which seafood is the most environmentally correct to purchase. He quizzes the staff on where and how a fish was caught. Because he carries the Internet with him, “I can be super-picky,” he said.”

Morse qui danse du Michael Jackson

Why you don't order a cake over the phone.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Interesting Patent

What it means: Everyone getting on an airplane would put on a shock device before the flight. If you act up, you get a disabilitating shock.

Load up, sheeple.

We claim:

1. A method of providing air travel security for passengers traveling via an aircraft, said method comprising the steps of: (a) prior to the flight, making a determination of passengers to be monitored during the flight; (b) generating a unique flight code for each flight and storing the unique flight code into electronic circuitry of remotely activatable electric shock devices to be worn by the predetermined passengers during the flight wherein the unique flight code is generated in a manner so as to prevent unauthorized use and tampering of the remotely activatable electric shock devices by making it impossible for a predetermined passenger to predict or determine the unique flight code for the flight; (c) situating a remotely activatable electric shock device on predetermined passengers to be worn during the flight such that, for each predetermined passenger, the situated electric shock device is in position to deliver a disabling electrical shock to that passenger and reading the unique flight code stored in the electronic circuitry of the remotely activatable electric shock device worn by each predetermined passenger and verifying the unique flight code relative to the flight; (d) arming said electric shock devices for subsequent selective activation of said electric shock devices by a selectively operable remote control means, wherein each activated electric shock device situated on a predetermined passenger is operable to deliver said disabling electrical shock to that passenger; and (e) subsequent to the flight, removing said electric shock devices from said predetermined passengers.

A fun little film


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Every Episode of South Park - FREE!

They hold the new episode for 30 days before releasing it.

You can just leave a message, I'm going to be lost for awhile.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I thought I passed but, uh, I didn't.

Ever seen a quadruped robot get kicked and keep from falling? On ice?


There's a statistical theory that if you gave a million monkeys typewriters and set them to work, they'd eventually come up with the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the Internet, we now know this isn't true.”
Ian Hart

“I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.”
Bill Hirst

Monday, March 17, 2008

Photoshop of the recent eclipse

St. Patrick's Day jokes

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a
strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do,
you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a
mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and
said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and
smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"

Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and
entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot
down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also
knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the
priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't
fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin'
politics and commence confessin' your sins!"
How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and
she thought he was the son of God.

Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother
superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior.
the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother
superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?"
"No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the
convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any
midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I
don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well
than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns,
would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are
no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and
would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun
turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all
along, you've been dating a Penguin"
Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,"
he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All
right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"
Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a
couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms
over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries
this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,
I understand and how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those
things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give
just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. Straight on the Devil
appears and says "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How
about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes
the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse.
One of the members, a reporter, see a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it
true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" "True,
enough." "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" "True again!"
"And may I have your name, sir?" "Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."
An Englishman was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so
decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house
invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee
dog running around the kitchen, running up to the Englishman and giving him
a great deal of attention. The Emglishman commented that the dog was
certainly friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly.
That's his bowl you're using."

There once was an old catholic Irish priest who was giving a sermon on ghosts.
He starts off by asking "Has anyone ever had a visual experience with a ghost?"
A few people put their hands up. Then the priest asks:
"Has anyone ever had an spoken experience with a ghost?"
The two or three oddballs of the parish put up their hands.
Finally he asks:
"Now, has anyone ever had a sexual experience with a ghost?"
At the back a little old man stands up. The priests is very surprised by this and asks again
"You've had a sexual experience with a GHOST?"
The little man replies "Ah sorry father, I though you said goat."

Danny Boy (from the Muppet Show)

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Your job doesn't suck like this

Mac Tip

Quick Mac tip: If you're even a semi-regular Dashboard user, you've probably been irritated by the three-step process involved in removing a widget from Dashboard: You click the plus (+) sign in the corner, which brings up an "X" on all the widgets, you click the "X" to close the widget, and then you click the plus sign again to return things to normal. Annoying, yes? Weblog TUAW points out a simple trick to prevent this Dashboard annoyance: Just hold down your Option key when you hover over the widget you want to close. The "X" button appears, you click it, hassle averted.

Another problem with Helena's urban deer

Town bans mayor from only store.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

So long as one person gets the joke.

The Sherwood Motor Inn

I like how when you click on "Amenities" this is what comes up.

The bar.

I'm working on an Easter diorama for the nephews

Dumbass of the Week

It didn't take long for police to capture a windshield-kicking culprit Friday night.

That's because the windshield he targeted was a Hamburg Township police cruiser - with a video camera inside.

Township Police Sgt. Jim Sanderson said he was making a routine bar check at about 11 p.m. and returned to find his vehicle damaged. He said the vehicle's video camera was in "sleep mode," but still records about two frames per second, compared to 26 frames per second at its active speed.

The video showed a man jumping on the hood of the cruiser and kicking in the windshield.

After Sanderson printed a still photo, bar patrons identified the man as a 40-year-old who had been fired from his job with the Michigan Department of Transportation earlier in the day.

The man was arrested at his home several hours later. He was charged with malicious destruction of police property, a felony punishable by up to four years in prison and a $5,000 fine. The man was held on a $100,000 cash bond.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Barak Obama makes a couple of good points

Scroll down for video clip.

I'm reviewing Grade 8 essays for a contest

"If I had magical powers for one hour." is the topic.

This one kid mentioned ice cream ten times in 130 words. I like his finish:

"Ice cream is like a toy. You must play with it and savor the flavor and adore it like a stuffed animal."

I've got some French Vanilla ice cream in the fridge and chocolate syrup AND M&M's. You bet I'm going to savor it. I just don't know how to adore it like a stuffed animal. Maybe I'll make it in the shape of a bunny, with red little M&M eyes.

Another kid apparently missed the point of the topic, because he wrote NINE PAGES about his basketball career. It included play-by-play for at least four games, individual statistics for five players and a description of how UNC-Chapel HIll had to fly him back to Montana to play in the high school divisional tournament.

George Clooney starts a new fad

Hollywood star George Clooney has told an American magazine he has undergone cosmetic surgery - to unwrinkle his testicles.

The Ocean's Eleven star denied reports he had surgery to remove lines from his face, but jokingly teased journalists at Esquire magazine with a story about another type of procedure.

He says, "I did get my balls done though, I got them unwrinkled. It's the new thing in Hollywood - ball ironing."

Sunday, March 09, 2008

When religion meets education

The Oklahoma House of Representatives Education Committee has just approved House Bill 2211. The bill is expected to pass the full House, and then to go to the Senate. Its authors describe it as promoting freedom of religion in the public schools. In fact, it does the opposite.

The bill requires public schools to guarantee students the right to express their religious viewpoints in a public forum, in class, in homework and in other ways without being penalized. If a student’s religious beliefs were in conflict with scientific theory, and the student chose to express those beliefs rather than explain the theory in response to an exam question, the student’s incorrect response would be deemed satisfactory, according to this bill.

The school would be required to reward the student with a good grade, or be considered in violation of the law. Even simple, factual information such as the age of the earth (4.65 billion years) would be subject to the student’s belief, and if the student answered 6,000 years based on his or her religious belief, the school would have to credit it as correct. Science education becomes absurd under such a situation.

It drives her nuts that she can hear beaver, but can't see them.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Mailbox of the Week

An interview with Brian Schweitzer on NPR

He's talking about the real ID act. It's fun when he calls bullshit on the Feds.