St. Patrick's Day jokes

Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a
strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do,
you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a
mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and
said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and
smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
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Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a pew and
entered the confessional. "Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot
down two British lieutenants!" Hearing no response he went on: "I also
knocked off a British captain!" When there was still no response from the
priest, O'Donnell said, "Father, have ye fainted?" "Of course I haven't
fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin'
politics and commence confessin' your sins!"
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How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and
she thought he was the son of God.
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Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother
superior. "well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior.
the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother
superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?"
"No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the
convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any
midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I
don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well
than mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns,
would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are
no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and
would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun
turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all
along, you've been dating a Penguin"
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Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,"
he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All
right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"
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Father O'Malley, the new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a
couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms
over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries
this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,
I understand and how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those
things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"
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Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give
just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. Straight on the Devil
appears and says "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How
about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes
the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse.
One of the members, a reporter, see a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it
true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" "True,
enough." "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" "True again!"
"And may I have your name, sir?" "Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."
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An Englishman was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so
decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house
invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee
dog running around the kitchen, running up to the Englishman and giving him
a great deal of attention. The Emglishman commented that the dog was
certainly friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly.
That's his bowl you're using."

There once was an old catholic Irish priest who was giving a sermon on ghosts.
He starts off by asking "Has anyone ever had a visual experience with a ghost?"
A few people put their hands up. Then the priest asks:
"Has anyone ever had an spoken experience with a ghost?"
The two or three oddballs of the parish put up their hands.
Finally he asks:
"Now, has anyone ever had a sexual experience with a ghost?"
At the back a little old man stands up. The priests is very surprised by this and asks again
"You've had a sexual experience with a GHOST?"
The little man replies "Ah sorry father, I though you said goat."