Saturday, March 31, 2012

Yes, that makes sense.

Wish I had seen this yesterday

Want It!

Bubble Roll Message Maker

  • Make your own secret message on the bubble gum roll: simply turn the knob to the desired letter, click the button and dispense the gum
  • Refillable with any standard width bubble tape
  • Color/Flavor: Blue/Blue Raspberry, Green/Apple Stinger, and Pink/Strawberry Pucker

If Dogs Could Text (and were from England)

Saw some people playing Cricket today so I looked up the rules.

Just do what the sign says.

Nice Thought!

Well THAT was a fun night!

Dancing at the Fairgrounds to '80's music and drinking $3 beer from a plastic cup. Just like old times.

I forgot how many really good songs Journey had.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Talking to a woman on the plane tonight on the way to Helena

Me - "So where are you coming from?"
Her - "El Paso, Texas."
Me - "So what's El Paso like?"
Her - " Like living in a giant kitty litter box full of cactus and sharp pokie things."

Yeah, that's pretty much been my impression of Texas. Wonderful people and great Mexican food, though.

The Suessabet

The Geography of Government Benefits

The share of Americans’ income that comes from government benefit programs, like Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security, more than doubled over the last four decades, rising from 8 percent in 1969 to 18 percent in 2009

Yeah, one of the few times I'm sad to be a Montanan. What news sites people read by state.

I Got 99 Problems . . .

How Much More Do Women Pay For Health Insurance Under Obamacare?

Monday, March 26, 2012

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Richmond, Virginia

I'm in Virginia for a short trip to meet with people at Virginia Commonwealth University. Went for a run to check the local places to eat supper and saw these on the sidewalk.

There's bound to be a good story there.

On the way to supper stopped off at at college bar where the young lesbian bartenders were gossiping about their weekend and who they met. Some comments (totally NSFW):

"I"d like to fork her. I say fork instead of fuck because that's how tightly we would fit together."

(Holding up hand) "You know why girls like these fingers? Because they're mine."

"I so want to fuck her! I mean like dildos and strap-ons and all that shit!"

The bartender at s@mple around the corner told me, "Yeah, they talk like that all the time. It brings in all the young college boys."

s@maple is an amazing place. Here is what I had for supper working the appetizer menu:

A pint of Highland Gaelic Ale

Spicy Crab Emanadas with smoked jalepeno, queso blanco and an avocado dipping sauce.

and then . . .

Crisped glazed pork bellies (underneath) with salty black-eyed peas, sweet stewed tomatoes and a fried onion haystack, which was onion rings cooked in pork rind. I would eat this once a week if I could.

And . . .

A Martini with Catfish brand vodka from Mississippi and a charred scotch bonnet pepper.

The Scotch Bonnet is the third hottest pepper in the world. The martini was spicy, not hot and the spice of the pepper was well balanced by a little extra olive juice in the martini.

A pretty good day, for having to get out of bed at 3:30 a.m. to catch my flights.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Step On A Crack

The Weather Balloon Project

How did a $69 weather balloon, a $5 dollar Styrofoam cooler and a digital camera get from downtown Oakland, California, to hover 90,000 feet above the Bay Area region?

Engineering students at Youth Radio (Turnstyle’s parent company) took those materials and created a weather balloon with a cooler attached with a camera inside. The camera took shots above through a hole drilled in the cooler.

The weather balloon was floated into “near space,” the region of Earth’s atmosphere that lies between 65,000 and 350,000 feet above sea level.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Planned Parenthood

Neil Livingstone’s Guide for Sex tourists

When Republican gubernatorial hopeful Neil Livingstone admitted to the Associated Presslast week that he was once “a guest on a yacht full of hookers in Monte Carlo,” few people realized that Livingstone is actually a leading authority on such matters.

Indeed, it turns out that Livingstone actually published a detailed instructional manual in 1997, which provides candid advice for world business travelers on how to solicit a high-quality prostitute.

This is not a joke. This valuable handbook appears as a chapter within a greater literary work by Livingstone, a book entitled Protect Yourself in an Uncertain World” (Amazon, $3.39 used). It’s one of several books he’s authored. Livingstone, by all accounts a very wealthy businessman, is a self described “international security consultant” who used to regularly appear on CNN and FoxNews, dispensing international security wisdom.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Behind the Rialto Bar


The Doors: You have been bitten by an animal while trying to get it stoned.

Led Zeppelin: The first three things you smoked were banana peels, catnip, and poppies, in that order.

Jimi Hendrix: You are under 20 or over 65.

The Eagles: You can only reach orgasm while listening to talk radio.

Allman Brothers Band: You do not own a bong, but can quickly make one from a piece of fruit or an abandoned toilet.

Journey: You own those running shoes that are shaped like feet.

Lynyrd Skynyrd: You somehow have both long hair and a sunburned scalp.

Fleetwood Mac: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of The Hobbit.

Practicing for Chico + What a whiskey-bottling line looks like in Montana


A Best Friend

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Man Who Broke Atlantic City

Don Johnson won nearly $6 million playing blackjack in one night, single-handedly decimating the monthly revenue of Atlantic City’s Tropicana casino. Not long before that, he’d taken the Borgata for $5 million and Caesars for $4 million. Here’s how he did it.

How To Change Your Oil

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change:$24.00

Coffee: Complementary

TOTAL: $24.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.

2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19. Remember drain plug from step 11.

20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21. Drink beer.

22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25. Begin cussing fit.

26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.

28. Beer.

29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30. Beer.

31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32. Beer.

33. Lower truck from jack stands.

34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35. Beer.

36. Test drive truck.

37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38. Truck gets impounded.

39. Call loving wife, make bail.

40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

DUI: $2,500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1,500.00

Beer: $20.00

TOTAL: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!


Want It!

The French Government Wants To Tone My Vagina

Last week I began re-educating my vagina.

Let me explain: I live in France.

Shortly after my husband and I moved to Paris, I became pregnant, which was a relief, because I would get fat for a legitimate biological reason, not just because of all the pain au chocolat. When I gave birth to our daughter last November, my husband and I spent five government-sponsored days in the maternity ward at Clinique Leonardo Da Vinci, where we learned that French hospital meals come with a cheese course and that as part of my postpartum treatment I would be prescribed 10 to 20 sessions of la rééducation périnéale. This is a kind of physical therapy designed to retrain the muscles of the pelvic floor, including the vagina, and is one of the cornerstones of French postnatal care. Two months after our daughter was born, I summoned the courage to teach my vagina some new tricks.

(Best comment - That does it. From now on I'm calling it my "Haussmanian soufflé."

Now just TRY to get "Voulez-vous soufflez avec moi, ce soir?" out of your head.)

That's Nice.

Today I taught a workshop on communication for kids with autism. As part of the workshop I ask people to answer the following question on a 3-5 card and pass it in. The question is:

"If you could only say four things for the rest of your life, what would you want to say?"

(Think about your answers.)

50% of the cards included the phrase, "I love you."

43% included the phrase, "Where's the bathroom?"

Other notable responses:

"It is important that I get a good haircut and color regularly."
"Which way to the beach?" - Interesting, because we were in Missoula.
"Two more beers, please."
"Give me all your money."
"I need you to love me."
"Have I offended you somehow?"
"I'm sorry."
"Do you serve alcohol?"
"Where's the remote?" Two cards had this!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

"Only once in the long history of "Doonesbury" has Garry Trudeau’s syndicate ever intensely objected to one of his story arcs. It was 1985, a documentary purporting to show the reactions of a fetus had been released, and Trudeau satirized the film "The Silent Scream" with his own “prequel" strips featuring “little Timmy,” a 12-minute-old embryo. Those strips never saw wide release in newspapers. Now, Trudeau has decided to take on the abortion wars head-on for the first time in "Doonesbury’s" four decades in a series of strips depicting mandatory vaginal ultrasounds as rape.

Click to view the strips.

Who Said It?

Monday, March 12, 2012