• From Thomas McGuane‘s Driving on the Rim

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of a trailer has a gun.”

Where's Doug? 12/31/10

Mt. Ascension, Helena.

Where I Went In December

Hey, Hey TSA

The kind of people who say, "Think Outside The Box" probably wouldn't find this funny.

So long as one person gets the joke.

Good advice.

Where's Doug? 12/30/10

Looking south on Last Chance Gulch. 4:00 p.m.

Driving to Work

December 13, 2010

Tips for tapping into your wild marketer

Now that it's harder than ever to make a living in the rural West, we locals have to tap into our inner entrepreneur to survive. Hard work is still important, but creativity and judicious copying help a lot, too. Just use your imagination....

For example, Samantha Fox of Twisp, Wash., grew up in a deer-hunting family before leaving her hometown in the North Cascades to pursue a degree in fashion. After graduating from college, Fox returned to Twisp, pop. 980, and started a business called Wild Things.

"There weren't any jobs, so I decided to make my own," said Fox. "Wild Things uses local deer hides, animal fur and feathers to make lingerie for the modern primitive -- it's sort of 'Victoria's Secret meets Clan of the Cave Bear.' "

During hunting season each year, Fox collects hides from hunters, tans them and turns them into sexy sleepwear that she sells on the Internet. Her women's lingerie collection -- made entirely of local deer hides -- has grown to include such items as her "Doe in Heat" panties, her "High Mountain Peaks" series of push-up bras and her "Get Along Little Thongs."

Where's Doug? 12/29/10

Up on Mill Creek. It takes awhile before there is any action.

How to survive a zombie attack during the holidays

"Kenny Loggins wouldn't beat the baby Jesus..."

Gold, Frankinsense and Jameson;s?

A Few Things

For All My Star Trek Friends

A Joke

As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nuthin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment ye set foot in th’ place, they'll buy ye a drink, then another, all the drinks ye like, actually. Then, when ye've had enough drinks, they'll take ye upstairs and see dat ye gets laid, all on th’ house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" –they asked.

"Well Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times ..."

State Estimates of Drunk and Drugged Driving

A Wonderful Choral Remake of a Radiohead Song

Ugly Christmas Sweaters

A Joke

My wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said "For God's sake, leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

Texting for Old Folks

*BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
*ROFL. CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing. Can't Get Up
*DWI: Driving While Incontinent
*LOL: Living On Lipitor
*OMG: Oy, My Grandchildren!
*OMG: Ouch, My Groin!
*IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
*WTF: What's Today's Fish?
*IMHMO: In My HMO.
*RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
*BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
*TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
*FWB: Friend With Betablockers
*FYI: For Your Indigestion.
*JK: Just Kvetching
*TTYL: Talk To You Louder
*MILF: Meal I'd Like To Forget
*LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
*LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
*MGAD: My Grandson's A Doctor
*SUK: Speak Up, Kid
*WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
*GOML: Get Off My Lawn

Interesting Spam Email

MAKE DA BEST CHEDDA EVA

I shall cut down sails, and lie by, and signal for help. . .
I entreated his imperial majesty to give orders it might

Rudolph (You Don't Have To Put On The Red Light)

Ole Goes To Paris

Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Mankato, MN, decided to expand
the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to
see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and
selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To
celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro
and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was
quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only
vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table;
asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand); so he
motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried
to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.

After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took
a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another
napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she
nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a
small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner.....after
which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe
closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture
of a four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured
out he was in the furniture business.

The Origin of 3-7-77

Death by stoning

Want It!

You'll learn:

• At what age your child should be able to remove a bottle cap by taking out his glass eye and using his eye
  

• Which offense requires administering The Flying Dutchman Wedgie
  

• How to prevent sogging the quartermaster
  

• The best place to maroon your disobedient child
  

• How to remove chewing gum or a giant octopus from your child’s hair
  

• The difference between plundering and pillaging
  

• How to convert your minivan into a pirate schooner
  

• When to smack your teenager in the side of the head with an oar

If printed t-shirts told the truth

Wish I Had Thought Of THe MacGyver Multitool

Want It!

TSA Joke

That which does not kill us makes us stronger

Want It!

And then the fight started. A Joke

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ______________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will l always have a limp. ________________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph , so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ________________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office... She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........

A Joke

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

Three long stories about dogs and Modafinil

Story 1: Today Nica burst a cyst on her side, chewed off all the hair around it and licked it clean.

That white part in the middle is antibiotic after taking her to the vet. I came home after lunch at 3:30 and found her happy, but with a big bare patch leaking green goo on her side.

When I took her to the vet I missed the part about, "If you want to bring her in at 4:30 p.m. before we close at 6:00 we can have an URGENT visit." Urgent mean I waited for an hour and they charged me $63 dollars JUST for the waiting part. We will be talking about that.

So we come home and before I went to bed I made sure that Nica was wearing this:

Story 2: at 10:30 p.m I went to bed. Nica spent the next hour walking around the house and bumping into things. I finally got tired of the noise and got up and gave her 10 mg of the valium she has to keep her from getting too excited from fireworks.

When digging in the Valium jar I spotted a small 1/2 of a white pill and thought, "Damn, that must be some painkiller I have left from my broken arm or sore back." so I took it. Because I wanted to sleep too. And I went back to bed.

For an hour.

Story 3: Modafinil. That's what I took. A "wakefulness promoting agent" I got some years ago for those times when I finish a days work and then have to drive from Scobey to Helena or Malta to Bozeman. I take it about once a year and keep it with the valium because, well, the valium is always in my travel med kit. Fighter pilots take modafinil to stay awake on 14 hour fighter missions. It isn't an amphetamine - there is no "rush" but it also doesn't let your mind relax, you can spot deer for 400 miles because your brain is just . . working.

So now Nica is chasing rabbits on the couch and I. well, if you are my neighbor and hear me shoveling my walk at 3 a.m. I apologize. I'm bored. I'm too old to try and use beer to go to sleep and modafinil doesn't make me want to clean the bathroom with a toothbrush, it just makes me awake.

I wish it was summer so I could walk downtown and shoot pool until 2 a.m. But it is 16 degrees outside and I'm going to be awake.

For a long time.

Effing Brilliant

As the music plays, it shows you what samples were used

Ain't it the truth.

TSA Gone WIld

Dogs don't understand basic concepts like moving

A bunch of stuff

Or you could just turn your damn phone off or turn off the ringer. .

The PHONEKERCHIEF is made of a smart material that actually blocks phone signals and can be worn in any pocket as a symbol of this movement

Want It!

Buy yourself a 2012 Ford Mustang Boss 302 and you can get a black key and a red key. The red key should be called the awesome key, because it opens up one big can of whoop-ass.

Like a schizophrenic with two personalities, Ford engineers have developed a “dual-path powertain control module” that creates what is essentially two different vehicles. The black key starts a car anyone could live with. The red “Trackey” adds powertrain control software for track use, providing race-caliber calibration and two-stage launch control. The Jeckyl & Hyde setup also alters more than 200 engine management parameters to increase low-end torque, adjust the variable cam timing and alter things like spark mapping, engine braking and more.

Pen15 Club

For all those who aren't sure.