A Joke

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'
'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing nasty old gimp! What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'

A Joke

A wife says to he husband, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

He says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," She replies. "I won 12 bucks. Here's 6, now get the fuck out."

Airport Security Solution

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

Archie comics introduces first gay character

ew York, NY (April 22, 2010): Archie Comics, home of the famous Riverdale High students Archie, Betty, Veronica, Reggie and Jughead, is about to welcome a new classmate this fall! On September 1^st, Kevin Keller, Archie Comics' first openly gay character, will be welcomed into the town of Riverdale.

"The introduction of Kevin is just about keeping the world of Archie Comics current and inclusive. Archie's hometown of Riverdale has always been a safe world for everyone. It just makes sense to have an openly gay character in Archie comic books," stated Archie Comics Co- CEO, Jon Goldwater.

Russian Adoptees Get a Respite on the Range

EUREKA, Mont. — Hundreds of adopted children, most of them Russian, have come here to northwest Montana to live and perhaps find healing grace with the horses and cows and rolling fields on Joyce Sterkel’s ranch. Some want to return to the families that adopted them, despite their troubles.

Henry principal faces backlash

Oatts’ reply, according to e-mails provided to WSB: “I thought about asking a guy who snorted cocaine and got arrested for DUI when he was 30 to come and speak to our kids, but President George W. Bush was not available.

GRANDPA'S TROUT

1. Rented boat = $75

2. Bait = $10

3. Digital Camera = $199.

Showing the world that BIG one and having it posted on the Internet for everyone in the world to see.

Priceless!!

Just look how PROUD he is!

Thank God you're a man.

Who killed more people in the Bible?

The Beatles Never Broke Up

"On Sept. 9, 2009 I experienced something that I still am having trouble believing happened to me.

I came into the possession of a cassette tape containing a Beatles album that was never released.

I dont expect you to believe what happened to me, I sure wouldn't, but thats why I grabbed the tape as proof that my experience was real.

If you want to download the album use the link!"

Life is about how you look at it.

A Joke

During

a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

save the beers

Save the Beers!

File this story under, "That Ain't Right!" Two employees of the Columbia, Missouri Solid Waste Division and beer rescuing heroes, Beer Heroes or Beeroes, if you will, have made headlines for rescuing some 50-odd cases of beer from being needlessly destroyed at the landfill, at which they work. Sadly, the headline wasn't "Beer Heroes Save The Day!" Rather, they are that these men may lose their jobs and face criminal charges. This injustice must not be allowed to stand!

Here's what happened...

a joke

A group of 45-year-old guys discusses where they should meet for dinner. Finally, they agree to meet at the Kelly's Restaurant because the waitresses have low-cut blouses and nice breasts. 10 years later, at age 55, the group agrees to meet at Kelly's because the food is good and the wine selection is excellent. 10 years later, at age 65, the group agrees to meet at Kelly's because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. 10 years later, at age 75, the group agrees to meet at Kelly's because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they have an elevator. 10 years later, at age 85, the group agrees to meet at Kelly's because they have never been there before.

Copyediting Tea Party Protest Signs

PROBLEM: 'Hugh' is a rather common first name, thus the meaning of the sign is unclear. SOLUTION: Include a surname, such as 'Grant,' 'Hefner,' or 'Jackman,' so that a reader of the sign will know exactly which Hugh to which you are objecting.

Should you have kids?

Why men's friendships are different from womens

Every summer for 25 years, Mark Vasu has gotten together for a weekend getaway with old friends from Duke University. The 15 men, who graduated in 1984, gather in the same cabin in Highlands, N.C.

"It's a judgment-free, action-packed, adventure-based weekend," says Mr. Vasu. "We go hiking, whitewater rafting, rock climbing, fly-fishing."

What they don't do is sit around as a group, the way women do, sharing their deepest feelings.

Male friendships like these are absolutely typical, but don't assume they're inferior to female friendships. "If we use a women's paradigm for friendship, we're making a mistake," says Geoffrey Greif, a professor at the University of Maryland's School of Social Work, who has studied how 386 men made, kept and nurtured friendships. Men might not be physically or emotionally expressive, he says, but we derive great support from our friendships.

The Amazing Adventures of the Traveling Advice Booth

Last summer I found myself at the legendary Burning Man festival, the eclectic arts experience extraordinaire in the heart of the Nevada desert. As I was walking around, I came across an interesting site: a large wooden sign with the word "ADVICE" blazoned across it, accompanied by two rickety, wooden chairs. The simplicity of this scene definitely captured my imagination. I decided to sit in one of the chairs and wait.

What happened next was liberating and quite unexpected. During the next hour or so, I found myself in the hot seat, as people kept stopping by to ask for advice. I made it clear I wasn’t qualified in the advice giving business; this didn’t dampen their enthusiasm. I felt privileged listening and realized that just by giving them time to air their thoughts I was being of service. It was not the advice I was imparting, but the moments of connection between two people, which inspired such a warm reaction from both parties.

When I left Burning Man I began to wonder if this desert experiment would work in the real world. How would people react if I set up my own advice booth in one of the most populous and cosmopolitan cities in America, Los Angeles? Would they be fascinated the same way I and the people who asked for my advice were at Burning Man? Or would I be the subject of scorn and derision in a city more used to the shenanigans of young Hollywood starlets? I decided to give it a go and set up shop in five diverse areas of Los Angeles: Beverly Hills, Downtown's Union Station, Hollywood Boulevard, Venice Beach, and the Miracle Mile

Read more: http://www.good.is/post/the-amazing-adventures-of-the-traveling-advice-booth/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+good%2Flbvp+%28GOOD+Main+RSS+Feed%29#ixzz0klMDqZx2

Standing Cat

An East Hampton, Connecticut, woman is facing several charges after her 2- and 3-year-old sons were playing in the woods for hours wearing nothing but diapers on Friday morning, police said.

A History Lesson

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.


Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me!'

Bumper Sticker of the Week

"Take One" fail

Great April Fools Day Joke

North Korea - The Craziest Country in the World

Next year for Easter - Peeps Sushi

Casino Jack and the United States of Money

A new documentary about Conrad Burn's buddy Jack Abramhoff

Another way to look at the world

Let's say you're the first human ever to make alien contact. Here are your directions.

Ice Road Trucking in a Smart For Two

I’m at the wheel of the diminutive 1,800-pound Smart ForTwo and I’m doing 70 on an iced gravel road 15 feet wide. It would be harrowing under the best of circumstances, but I’m coming up on an 18-wheeler carrying 20 tons of oil pipes. Snowbanks on either side of me stand 6 feet high, so there’s nowhere to go but straight ahead.

I’m about to meet the most dreaded monster on the Dempster Highway — an ice trucker hell-bent on making it to Inuvik. There’s no time for contemplation. I ease off the gas and hug the snowbank. It’s a delicate balancing act. Go too far and the the tiny Smart’s tiny wheels will bog down in the slush. It’s an adrenaline-pumping split second and then the monster barrels past me in a cloud of icy powder.

I just survived another encounter with a Dempster monster during a wild drive from Inuvik, Northewest Territories to Dawson City, Yukon.

Want it!

Does a tax on plastic bags reduce the number of bags used?

In its first assessment of how the new law is working, the D.C. Office of Tax and Revenue estimated that food and grocery establishments gave out about 3 million bags in January. Before the bag tax took effect Jan. 1, the Office of the Chief Financial Officer had said that about 22.5 million bags were being issued each month in 2009.

Big Rigs are still gas guzzlers

Are You Cannabis Deficient?

If the idea of having a marijuana deficiency sounds laughable to you, a growing body of science points at exactly such a possibility. Scientists have known that the active psychoactive compound in marijuana is THC, which is short for tetrahydrocannabinol.

In August 1990, researchers reported in the journal Nature the discovery of receptors in the brain that specifically accommodate the cannabinoids in pot. Cannabinoids bind to particular neurological sites in the brain, as though the brain was specifically designed to utilize this plant. Did nature toss cannabinoid receptors into the brain by random chance? Are cannabinoid receptors part of an intelligent design for deriving maximum benefit from cannabis? Is cannabis a divine elixir of sacred communion for which we are ideally suited? Actually, a more sober answer seems likely. When there are receptors in the brain for a particular type of compound, that compound is made in the brain. This is true of many important agents that work to transmit brain messages of all types. So a hunt began to find such a compound.

Gray whale washed up on Humboldt County beach may have been harpooned off Russia

The gray whale washed up on Dry Lagoon beach on Feb. 2 was hardly an unusual sight. But when the mammal rolled over in the surf 11 days later, the shaft of a harpoon could be seen jutting from its flesh.

Humboldt State University Marine Mammal Stranding Network members removed the harpoon, and found the tip of another harpoon embedded in the whale. They also collected additional tissue samples to turn in to the National Marine Fisheries Service for investigation, which has recently produced some results.

Commercial whaling has been outlawed by the United States since the 1970s. There is a limited harvest of bowhead whales by native Alaskans, along with a few gray whales that are allowed to be taken by American Indians in Washington. The harpoon appears to be of the type used by Alaskan and Russian natives for subsistence hunting, officials say.

”This whale had probably traveled 3,500 miles from where it was likely targeted to where it ended up,” said marine biologist Dawn Goley at Humboldt State University

738 Front Pages from 69 Countries

Biography of a Taco

From factories and farms half a world away to that first cilantro-sprinkled bite, ingredients for a typical taco collectively travel 2.6 times the circumference of the earth to reach your local taco truck.

That’s the conclusion of a design and architecture class at California College of the Arts after months of research.

“It really reconfigures the idea of the Mission taco,” said Alison Sant, a founder of the Studio for Urban Projects, where she recently introduced a presentation by the class.

Taught by landscape architect David Fletcherand members of the design collaborative Rebar, the class set out to map the foodshed of a nearby taco truck, following each ingredient from conception to waste.

A Host of Mummies, a Forest of Secrets

In the middle of a terrifying desert north of Tibet, Chinese archaeologists have excavated an extraordinary cemetery. Its inhabitants died almost 4,000 years ago, yet their bodies have been well preserved by the dry air.

The cemetery lies in what is now China’s northwest autonomous region of Xinjiang, yet the people have European features, with brown hair and long noses. Their remains, though lying in one of the world’s largest deserts, are buried in upside-down boats. And where tombstones might stand, declaring pious hope for some god’s mercy in the afterlife, their cemetery sports instead a vigorous forest of phallic symbols, signaling an intense interest in the pleasures or utility of procreation.

Too damn long

An 84-year-old man barricaded himself in his house, telling police he had enough weapons to "take down the whole f-- army if I wanted to." He was arrested after a six-hour standoff with a SWAT team, Houston police said.

Police say Jarold Lancaster, who served in the Marines during World War II, was drinking and fighting with his wife.

He shot at her - but missed. That's when police say his wife ran out of the house to call for help, and he barricaded himself inside.

During the six hour standoff police tried all they could to get him out of his house. They first called him on a phone, then used a loudspeaker and finally brought in the tear gas. Still, he still wouldn't budge.

"We put lots of tear gas in there," Houston Police Lt. A. Mihalco told CNN affiliate KTRK. "He withstood the tear gas. It seemed like it didn't even faze him."

The Houston Chronicle reported that police finally ended the standoff when they saw through a window that the man was awake and didn't have any weapons nearby.

After he was brought out of the house local reporters asked him about what happened between him and his wife.

Then, they wanted to know, how long had the couple been married.

"Too damn long," Lancaster answered, as he was taking away.

What I want in a man,

What I Want In a Man, Original List > 1. Handsome > 2. Charming > 3. Financially successful > 4. A caring listener > 5. Witty > 6. In good shape > 7. Dresses with style > 8. Appreciates finer things > 9. Full of thoughtful surprises What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) > 1. Nice looking > 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs > 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks > 5. Laughs at my jokes > 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease > 7. Owns at least one tie > 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal > 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly > 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car > 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally > 4. Nods head when I'm talking > 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes > 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach > 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids > 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down > 10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) > 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed > 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public > 3. Doesn't borrow money too often > 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting > 5.. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times > 6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends > 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear > 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner > 9. Remembers your name on occasion > 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children > 2. Remembers where bathroom is > 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep > 4. Only snores lightly when asleep > 5. Remembers why he's laughing > 6.. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself > 7. Usually wears some clothes > 8. Likes soft foods > 9. Remembers where he left his teeth > 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) > 1. Breathing. > 2. Doesn't miss the toilet

A Joke

I lost the pub quiz last night by 1 question.


The one I got wrong is ‘Where do most women have curly hair?’

Apparently the correct answer is ‘Africa ‘

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible,"he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, " Don 't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp,dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves, hops another ten feet,turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says.. "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."