Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Footprints
One Night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him, and he questioned the Lord about it: "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you you'd walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you. Also, you're being intermittently stalked by the Invisible Man."
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him, and he questioned the Lord about it: "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you you'd walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and would never leave you. Also, you're being intermittently stalked by the Invisible Man."
A Joke
We've got to get this woman to a hospital."
"What is it, doctor?"
"It's a big building with sick people."
"What is it, doctor?"
"It's a big building with sick people."
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Kids write about the ocean
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7
"Typographical Error"
How typical of the Helena Independent Record to send me an advertisement asking me to pay for their online edition . . . and they have a typographical error (the local nickname for the Independent Record.)
There should be a comma between "local" and "state" unless they somehow specialize in "local state" news.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
It's not quite frickin' sharks with laser beams, but it's getting there.
Under the preferred plan, dolphins would be used only at night and would be accompanied by handlers in small power boats. The dolphins would be trained to return to the boat and alert the handler if they noticed an intruder. The handler would then place a strobe light on a dolphin's nose, and the creature would return and bump the intruder, causing the light to come free and float to the surface as a location marker.
Guards would then be sent to find and subdue the intruder.
Murray said the sea lion-only option was added in response to public suggestions after the use of dolphins was proposed in 2007.
Sea lions would be trained to carry in their mouths a special cuff attached to a long rope and clamp the cuff around the leg of a suspicious swimmer, who then could be reeled in for questioning.
Superbombs 101
In terms of their effect, a shaped charge is a drill, an EFP is a hammer. As a rule of thumb, a basic shaped charge will go through a thickness of armor equal to six times the diameter of the charge that creates it, whereas an EFP will only go through about one diameter. The EFP creates a bigger hole and does more damage on the other side, making it more effective against softer targets, but it has only a fraction of the piercing power.
I'm thinking of getting into a new business - horse leasing.
The thought of "horse leasing" just cracks me up. But I can see the advantage of getting that hay-eating, shoe tossing, $200 just to have the vet come out son-of-a-bitch off my hands for four months AND have somebody pay me $1000 to do it.
I wonder if there is a mileage penalty.
Want It!
The Bacon Explosion
I might have to get together with a couple of buddies and make it once, just to say I did.
I might have to get together with a couple of buddies and make it once, just to say I did.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Before you go to Wal-mart . . .
This is exactly why you should always twirl once in front of the mirror before leaving the house.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
A Joke
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Montana Fire Balloons
During World War II, Japan released 9,300 “balloon bombs” that were intended to be carried to the United States by a high altitude wind known today as the "jet stream". Less than 400 of the bombs are known to have made the 6,000-mile journey. At least 35 of these bombs are known to have landed in Montana.
(Click the link to read more.)
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Welcome to Sleeping Buffalo Hot Springs
"Leech's" and "Worms" are not words I want to see on the entrance sign to a pool.
2:52 p.m. - We leave Wolf Point at 3:30. Can we beat the storm to Miles City and Maybe Billings?
Dashed red is severe driving conditions, purple circles are high winds.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Inauguration Day 2009 Drinking Game
Drink Every Time Someone Says:
“Historic”
“Monumental”
“Kennedy”
“Lincoln”
“Change” (as a noun)
“Most anticipated inauguration in history”
The name of a celebrity who thinks their opinion matters.
Drink Every Time:
Joe Biden’s hairplugs are awkwardly noticeable.
You see Oprah crying.
W glances at his watch.
You see a mediocre looking chick with political aspirations in the crowd.
Chris Matthews appears to get a boner.
You see Obama’s face on a t-shirt.
A white guy pretends to know the words to a Black Eyed Peas song.
Keith Olbermann comes off as a smug, pretentious asshole.
Someone in the crowd passes out.
You see a bearded hippie.
Jesse Jackson takes credit for Obama’s campaign.
A Fox News correspondent speaks in hushed tones with an air of faux patriotism.
“Historic”
“Monumental”
“Kennedy”
“Lincoln”
“Change” (as a noun)
“Most anticipated inauguration in history”
The name of a celebrity who thinks their opinion matters.
Drink Every Time:
Joe Biden’s hairplugs are awkwardly noticeable.
You see Oprah crying.
W glances at his watch.
You see a mediocre looking chick with political aspirations in the crowd.
Chris Matthews appears to get a boner.
You see Obama’s face on a t-shirt.
A white guy pretends to know the words to a Black Eyed Peas song.
Keith Olbermann comes off as a smug, pretentious asshole.
Someone in the crowd passes out.
You see a bearded hippie.
Jesse Jackson takes credit for Obama’s campaign.
A Fox News correspondent speaks in hushed tones with an air of faux patriotism.
Monday, January 19, 2009
The Curious Case of Forrest Gump
"If you see only one version of Forrest Gump this year, make it The Curious Case of Benjamin Button."
Sunday, January 18, 2009
A Good Read
Meet Chet, the wise and lovable canine narrator of Dog on It, who works alongside Bernie, a down-on-his-luck private investigator. Chet might have flunked out of police school ("I'd been the best leaper in K-9 class, which had led to all the trouble in a way I couldn't remember exactly, although blood was involved"), but he's a detective through and through.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Imagine yourself
Imagine yourself beside a clear mountain stream. The air is crisp and cool, birds are chirping. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air. You take a deep breath and look down into the stream. What’s that? It’s the face of the person whose head you’re holding under the water. Look! It’s the person who is causing the most stress in your life, right now! What a pleasant surprise. You let them up, just for a quick breath, then plop! back under they go. You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There now, isn’t that relaxing?
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