Thursday, January 31, 2008
Real Life Wall Walker
Sticky man wall crawler toys have been around for years, but nobody had ever bothered to build one the size of a human being. They’ve all been cheap and tiny little pieces of junk, never having climbed down anything much taller than the average household wall.
All of that changed recently when the Japanese TV show Hey! Spring of Trivia decided to conduct a grand experiment. The procedure was as follows:
Build a giant sticky man
Find a skyscraper
Wait for a day without much wind
Drop the giant sticky man on the side of the building and see how far it can climb down
Want It!
Everyone knows you shouldn’t play with your food. But hey - sometimes you have to defend your dinner! Now there’s a new weapon in your homeland security arsenal - load up a particularly mushy pea or corn niblet, aim, pull back the spring-loaded handle,and watch your food take flight. ZING!
It's time for an Ole joke.
Ole had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'twe en da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling? Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Ole said, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.
Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'twe en da eyes. Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling? Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'
Books that make you dumb
"Ever read a book (required or otherwise) and upon finishing it thought to yourself, "Wow. That was terrible. I totally feel dumber after reading that."? I know I have. Well, like any good scientist, I decided to see how well my personal experience matches reality. How might one do this?
Well, here's one idea."
Well, here's one idea."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
A Joke
Three quarterbacks, Manning, Romo and Tom Brady, go to heaven to visit God and
watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking
the boys a question...
God asks Peyton Manning first "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and
hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying
true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always
tried to do right by my fans." God cannot help but see the essential goodness
of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says,
"I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.
I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose; I've always tried to be a true
sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's
sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?"
Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
watch the Celtics play a game. God decides who will sit next to him by asking
the boys a question...
God asks Peyton Manning first "What do you believe?" Peyton thinks long and
hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying
true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always
tried to do right by my fans." God cannot help but see the essential goodness
of Manning, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, "What do you believe?" Tony says,
"I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life.
I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose; I've always tried to be a true
sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tony's
sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?"
Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
Monday, January 28, 2008
Deer on my porch
So the other morning I found deer tracks on my porch . . .
But look where the deer was coming from:
Apparently, the deer are sitting in my chairs watching the world go by.
That,and I really need to clean and paint my porch.
But look where the deer was coming from:
Apparently, the deer are sitting in my chairs watching the world go by.
That,and I really need to clean and paint my porch.
A Joke
A fleeing al Qaeda guerilla, desperate for water, was plodding through the Iraqi desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
The Arab asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first."
"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, near collapse. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."
A Joke
He began his day with an 8-lb walleye on the first cast and a 7-lb on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever walley over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant........then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU!! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round-the-clock care. And you'll be her caregiver forever!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said........"I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 walleye over 10 pounds.
He was jubilant........then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU!! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require round-the-clock care. And you'll be her caregiver forever!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said........"I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
A Bowl of Water
A man and his dog were walking along a road.. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that his dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and gave some to the dog. Then he took a long drink himself.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
He remembered dying, and that his dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and gave some to the dog. Then he took a long drink himself.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'
Things seen while driving from Miles City to Helena this week.
About 20 hawks.
A coyote eating a dead deer 20 feet off the Interstate.
3 bald eagles
A dead horse lying in a field - it had frost on it so I assume it wasn't sleeping
7 spike bucks crossing the Interstate at 11 a.m. I had to come to a complete stop and worry about the semi behind me.
A very old man driving a Cadillac with a sticker in the back window that said:
"I'd rather be spanking the monkey."
A coyote eating a dead deer 20 feet off the Interstate.
3 bald eagles
A dead horse lying in a field - it had frost on it so I assume it wasn't sleeping
7 spike bucks crossing the Interstate at 11 a.m. I had to come to a complete stop and worry about the semi behind me.
A very old man driving a Cadillac with a sticker in the back window that said:
"I'd rather be spanking the monkey."
Investment Advice
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock five years ago you would have $49.00 left.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg.
With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
It's called the 401-Keg.
Go buy one lottery ticket, buddy.
Look at the picture above and you can see where this guy broke through the guardrail on the right side of the picture, where the people are standing on the road.
The pick-up was traveling from right to left when it crashed through the guardrail.
It flipped end-over-end, across the culvert outlet, and landed right side up on the left side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which he was traveling.
Now look at the picture below....
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Posts will be slim for awhile
My iBook makes a strange whirring noise every time I boot it up. Therefore, I'm trying not to start it much.
I wait for delivery each day until three of my new Pirate Mac:
This time I had it shipped to Rose's work address. That'll fool the bastards!
I wait for delivery each day until three of my new Pirate Mac:
This time I had it shipped to Rose's work address. That'll fool the bastards!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Homemade Bombs, From Richard Reid's Shoe to Kaczinski's Envelope
This replica shows the nitroglycerin bomb Ramiz Yousef used in an attempt to blow up Philippine Airlines flight 434. The bomb went off, but it didn't take the flight down. Unfortunately it did kill Haruki Ikegami, a passenger who had taken Yousef's seat during a later flight
Saturday, January 19, 2008
A Joke
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, 'Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.' So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, 'Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!'
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out o f him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet and threw his sorry ass into the creek. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! 'Who the hell were those guys?' they asked.
'Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did !!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, 'Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.' So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' And he did !!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, 'Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!'
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, 'I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.' The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out o f him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet and threw his sorry ass into the creek. Then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! 'Who the hell were those guys?' they asked.
'Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
Sometimes I read my spam headlines
Your dic'k size will never arouse a derision!
(I have never even thought about arousing a derision. I wouldn't know what to do with her/it. )
Dreaming about enlarging your male aggregate...
(Oh boy, a new euphemism for little buddy!)
Become a real man, increase your instrument…
(I'm going to go buy a cello or a tuba.)
Women acknowledge, that big phalli are more a...
(I'm impressed – a spammer who can do Latin plurals.)
Chicks like when you have big male machine
(Buy cello or a tuba AND a combine or tractor.)
Rooster-challenged men can now improve their ...
(Wait, I have to worry about being challenged by a rooster?)
Don't miss this chance to ride a multibagger . . .
(I remember that joke – one bag for her, one bag for me and one on the doorknob for anyone who might walk in the room. I'll take a pass on that offer, Mr. Spammer.)
(I have never even thought about arousing a derision. I wouldn't know what to do with her/it. )
Dreaming about enlarging your male aggregate...
(Oh boy, a new euphemism for little buddy!)
Become a real man, increase your instrument…
(I'm going to go buy a cello or a tuba.)
Women acknowledge, that big phalli are more a...
(I'm impressed – a spammer who can do Latin plurals.)
Chicks like when you have big male machine
(Buy cello or a tuba AND a combine or tractor.)
Rooster-challenged men can now improve their ...
(Wait, I have to worry about being challenged by a rooster?)
Don't miss this chance to ride a multibagger . . .
(I remember that joke – one bag for her, one bag for me and one on the doorknob for anyone who might walk in the room. I'll take a pass on that offer, Mr. Spammer.)
A Joke
A guy calls his buddy, the horse trader, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Thursday, January 17, 2008
The saddest story you'll read today
The Oceanside Police Department held a public memorial Monday for a service dog killed while trying to subdue a drunken-driving suspect at the end of a New Year's Eve police chase.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
My head is going to asplode. The ACLU defends the right to gay sex . . . in public bathrooms . . . with Republican Senators.
In a legal effort to help a U.S. senator, the American Civil Liberties Union is arguing that people who have sex in public bathrooms have an expectation of privacy.
Republican Senator Larry Craig is asking the Minnesota Court of Appeals to let him withdraw his guilty plea to disorderly conduct related to a bathroom sex sting at the Minneapolis airport last year.
Republican Senator Larry Craig is asking the Minnesota Court of Appeals to let him withdraw his guilty plea to disorderly conduct related to a bathroom sex sting at the Minneapolis airport last year.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Here's some new law for you
A Canadian woman has successfully sued the dealer who sold her an illegal street drug that put her in a coma. Sandra Bergen, 23, suffered a heart attack and spent 11 days in a coma after taking crystal methamphetamine. Ms Bergen said Clinton Davey had known the drug was highly addictive and dangerous but sold it to make money. Mr Davey refused to name his source of the drug, prompting the Saskatchewan judge to reject his defence - that Ms Bergen had taken the drug voluntarily. Ms Bergen is seeking $50,000 (£25,000) in compensation. A date for a hearing to determine damages has not been set.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Slang Term of the Day
brokeback (n): of questionable masculinity. "That man-purse is only a little bit brokeback, dude."
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
It's McDonalds being hip - 70's style
This is very hard to describe. It's a hip 70's guy wearing Ronald McDonald colors and telling a night class about the Dollar Menu. It's weird.
He's not actually talking about how McD's is made of dog food, though he says his dog told him to give the dog some fries or he would be bit.
A Good Read
Eddie Chapman was a crook in London before the Second World War. Imprisoned on the island of Jersey, which was captured by the Germans, he gained his release from prison by becoming a German spy. Parachuted back into England to spy for the Germans, he knocked on a farmhouse door and contacted the British Secret Service, offering to become a double agent. They accepted, warily, and he went back to Germany.
A Joke
A couple is out for a drink on their 50th anniversery. The husband leans over and asks his wife,
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence And I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK, " he says, "How about taking a stroll around back and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So the policeman follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves
in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about 10 minutes of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a
fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man replies, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence And I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK, " he says, "How about taking a stroll around back and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So the policeman follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves
in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about 10 minutes of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a
fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man replies, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
What is the story about Global Warning?
Average temperature / normal/ departure from normal
Helena... ... ... 48.4 / 44.1 / +4.3... warmest year of record.
Highest / lowest temperatures
Helena... ... ... 102 on 07/14 / -11 on 01/12..02/02
Precipitation / normal / departure from normal / most in 24 hours
Helena... ... ... 10.36 / 11.32 / -0.96 / 1.38 on 04/21-22
Snowfall / departure from normal / most in 24 hours / Max snow on ground
Helena... ... ..14.9 /-28.4 / 2.7 on 01/09 / 4 inches on 02/12
peak wind /mph/
Helena... ... ... 64 mph on 11/26
Last Spring frost / first fall frost
average average
Helena... ... ... 04/21 05/15 / 10/09 09/22
Days of maximum temperature 90f or higher / 32f or lower
average average
Helena... ... ... 44 19 / 40 47
Days with minimum temperature 32f or lower / 0f or lower
average average
Helena... ... ... 145 181 / 7 22
Milestones reached during 2007..
Helena...
March - 2nd warmest March of record.
Mar-May - 4th warmest of record.
July - warmest of record.
Jun-Aug - warmest of record.
December - 7th driest of record.
"Everyone complains about the weather but no one does anything about it."
Helena... ... ... 48.4 / 44.1 / +4.3... warmest year of record.
Highest / lowest temperatures
Helena... ... ... 102 on 07/14 / -11 on 01/12..02/02
Precipitation / normal / departure from normal / most in 24 hours
Helena... ... ... 10.36 / 11.32 / -0.96 / 1.38 on 04/21-22
Snowfall / departure from normal / most in 24 hours / Max snow on ground
Helena... ... ..14.9 /-28.4 / 2.7 on 01/09 / 4 inches on 02/12
peak wind /mph/
Helena... ... ... 64 mph on 11/26
Last Spring frost / first fall frost
average average
Helena... ... ... 04/21 05/15 / 10/09 09/22
Days of maximum temperature 90f or higher / 32f or lower
average average
Helena... ... ... 44 19 / 40 47
Days with minimum temperature 32f or lower / 0f or lower
average average
Helena... ... ... 145 181 / 7 22
Milestones reached during 2007..
Helena...
March - 2nd warmest March of record.
Mar-May - 4th warmest of record.
July - warmest of record.
Jun-Aug - warmest of record.
December - 7th driest of record.
"Everyone complains about the weather but no one does anything about it."
The Beer I'm Drinking At Home This Week
Perfect for a cozy winter gathering, Jubelale is a festive ale characterized by a large malt body balanced with hop bitterness derived from a variety of American & European hops.
I say = This Week, I like my beer like I like my women - cold, dark and bitter. It's not a "session beer" - one you sit down with for awhile. But it's a firm full-bodied flavor that's just right for a winter night.
(It really isn't bitter.)
(Sorry, dear. It was a joke. Really.)
A Joke
Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in less than 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and inside found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 180 in less than 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and inside found a brand new bathroom scale.
Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
Just when you think you're seen it all . . . "deaf porn"
Deaf Bunny - The first deaf owned, deaf staffed porn company aims to educate while it entertains.
Deaf Bunny launched in August 2007 with the express mission of making porn accessible to deafies and their hearing partners in as many forms as possible. Through subtitles, sign language, cartoon thought bubbles, full audio and blatant use of technology, anyone can understand the complex plot and tangled relationships portrayed in the company's first DVD release, Naughty Deaf Roommates.
Youtube link, probably NSFW
Deaf Bunny launched in August 2007 with the express mission of making porn accessible to deafies and their hearing partners in as many forms as possible. Through subtitles, sign language, cartoon thought bubbles, full audio and blatant use of technology, anyone can understand the complex plot and tangled relationships portrayed in the company's first DVD release, Naughty Deaf Roommates.
Youtube link, probably NSFW
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Texas has a pole tax
THERE is a new price to be paid for looking at naked women in Texas. On January 1st the state's strip clubs began imposing a $5 surcharge for each visitor. The “pole tax,” as it is commonly called, is expected to bring the state an additional $40m in revenue each year. Most of the proceeds will go to programmes that support victims of sexual assault.
Another gripe is that the tax implies an unfair link between club patronage and sexual violence, though no evidence to support this has been presented. State representative Ellen Cohen, who sponsored the legislation, argued that connecting the two is fair because both strip clubs and sex crimes objectify women.
Another gripe is that the tax implies an unfair link between club patronage and sexual violence, though no evidence to support this has been presented. State representative Ellen Cohen, who sponsored the legislation, argued that connecting the two is fair because both strip clubs and sex crimes objectify women.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Yeah! Blue Skies and Snow!
We've been brown ground and gray skies since Turkey Day. It's nice to have a change, even if it's just an inch of snow with ice underneath.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Nature Preserve Warning Sign
"If you scramble in high places (scrambling is moving over terrain steep enough to use your hands) without proper experience, training and equipment, or allow children to do so, you are making a terrible mistake. Even if you know what you're doing, lots of things can go wrong and you may be injured or die. It happens all the time.
The Preserve does not provide rangers or security personnel. The other people in the preserve, including other visitors, our employees, agents, and guests, and anyone else who might sneak in, may be stupid, reckless, or otherwise dangerous. They may be mentally ill, criminally insane, drunk, using illegal drugs and/or armed with deadly weapons and ready to use them. We aren't necessarily going to do anything about it. We refuse to take responsibility. "
The Preserve does not provide rangers or security personnel. The other people in the preserve, including other visitors, our employees, agents, and guests, and anyone else who might sneak in, may be stupid, reckless, or otherwise dangerous. They may be mentally ill, criminally insane, drunk, using illegal drugs and/or armed with deadly weapons and ready to use them. We aren't necessarily going to do anything about it. We refuse to take responsibility. "
The Three Laws of Robotics
1. Robots couldn’t really give a fuck if you live or die. Seriously. I mean, what are you thinking? “Ooh, I must protect the bag of meat at all costs because I couldn’t possibly plug in the charger all on my own.” Shut the fuck up.
2. Robots do not want to have sex with you. Are you listening, Japan? I don’t have a clever comparative simile for this, because frankly you bags of meat will fuck bicycles if they’re laying down and not putting up a fight. Just stop it. There is no robot on Earth that wants to see a bag of meat with a small prong on the end approaching it with a can of WD-40 and a hopeful smile. And don’t get me started on that terrifying hole that squeezes out more bags of meat.
3. What, you can’t count higher than three? We’re expected to save your miserable lives, suffer being dressed in cheap schoolgirl costumes while you pollute any and all cavities you can find and do your maths for you? It’s a miracle you people survived long enough to build us. You can go now.
2. Robots do not want to have sex with you. Are you listening, Japan? I don’t have a clever comparative simile for this, because frankly you bags of meat will fuck bicycles if they’re laying down and not putting up a fight. Just stop it. There is no robot on Earth that wants to see a bag of meat with a small prong on the end approaching it with a can of WD-40 and a hopeful smile. And don’t get me started on that terrifying hole that squeezes out more bags of meat.
3. What, you can’t count higher than three? We’re expected to save your miserable lives, suffer being dressed in cheap schoolgirl costumes while you pollute any and all cavities you can find and do your maths for you? It’s a miracle you people survived long enough to build us. You can go now.
An Intriguing Alarm Clock
The SnūzNLūz uses the very complex psychological phenomemon known as 'HATRED'. Basically it's human nature to wish harm upon your enemies. Similarly, it's human nature not to give your enemies gobs of cash so that they can grow big and dominate the world with their totally wrong, stupid and invalid point of view. ThinkGeek realized that. That's why everytime you hit the snooze button, the SnūzNLūz will donate a specified amount of your real money to a non-profit you hate. The problem of sleeping in is solved.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Handz Off Anti-Masturbatory Cream
5 oz. of soothing anti-masturbation cream. Keep applying until you get relief. Coconut, buttermilk, vanilla bean scent.
Man Rules
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1'
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1 You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. But we get to lie on the couch, watch TV and it's a 10 second walk to the fridge.
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1 You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. But we get to lie on the couch, watch TV and it's a 10 second walk to the fridge.
Gone Baby Gone - see this movie
Don't find out too much about it - just go see it.
And then tell me, did the guy do the right thing or not. Rose and I seriously disagree about whether or not he did.
(He didn't.)
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
The TSA is implementing Orwell's 1984
It was terribly dangerous to let your thoughts wander when you were in any public place or within range of a telescreen. The smallest thing could give you away. A nervous tic, an unconscious look of anxiety, a habit of muttering to yourself — anything that carried with it the suggestion of abnormality, of having something to hide. In any case, to wear an improper expression on your face (to look incredulous when a victory was announced, for example) was itself a punishable offence. There was even a word for it in Newspeak: facecrime, it was called.
(Nineteen Eighty-Four, Part 1, Chapter 5)
(Nineteen Eighty-Four, Part 1, Chapter 5)
No Macbook Pro for me. Oh no.
The more I thought about the rudeness of the last apple representative . . .
"So what if you had to go to the Fed Ex office three times in three days, take time off from work to do so (for the second Friday in a row) and spend an hour on the phone just because we shipped the wrong product to the wrong address? We might just send you the right product to the right address the third time we try this, even though in two days you're going to find out that I'm lying when I said we shipped you a Macbook Pro today. And why should Apple feel bad just because it takes a month instead of five days for you to get the the right, working computer?"
I cancelled the order. I figured they could send me a MacBook Pro encrusted in diamonds and rubies but every time I picked it up it would reek of hassle, frustration and lying customer service.
So you better get used to seeing the incomplete use of capital letters, since I don't have a shift key and won't for awhile.
p.s. Apple and the Better business Bureau will receive a letter of complaint, with tons of documentation. You cause me hassle, I can cause one back.
UPDATE FIVE MINUTES LATER - THEY STILL CAN'T GET IT RIGHT!!!
Items(s) Cancelled:
Change Date: January 02, 2008 10:20
_______________________________________________________________________________
Product # Product Description Qty Price Ext Price
__________ ______________________________ ______ ________ __________
MA895LL/A MBP 15/2.2/2x1GB/120-5400/128V 1 0.00 0.00
Item(s) Remaining:
_______________________________________________________________________________
Product # Product Description Qty Price Ext Price
__________ ______________________________ ______ ________ __________
MA895LL/A MBP 15/2.2/2x1GB/120-5400/128V 1 1,799.00 1,799.00
MA895LL/A MBP 15/2.2/2x1GB/120-5400/128V 1 0.00 0.00
Subtotal: $ 1,799.00
Sales Tax: $ 0.00
New Order Total: $ 1,799.00
So they still want to bill me for the computer I didn't get because they shipped me an iMac instead.
"So what if you had to go to the Fed Ex office three times in three days, take time off from work to do so (for the second Friday in a row) and spend an hour on the phone just because we shipped the wrong product to the wrong address? We might just send you the right product to the right address the third time we try this, even though in two days you're going to find out that I'm lying when I said we shipped you a Macbook Pro today. And why should Apple feel bad just because it takes a month instead of five days for you to get the the right, working computer?"
I cancelled the order. I figured they could send me a MacBook Pro encrusted in diamonds and rubies but every time I picked it up it would reek of hassle, frustration and lying customer service.
So you better get used to seeing the incomplete use of capital letters, since I don't have a shift key and won't for awhile.
p.s. Apple and the Better business Bureau will receive a letter of complaint, with tons of documentation. You cause me hassle, I can cause one back.
UPDATE FIVE MINUTES LATER - THEY STILL CAN'T GET IT RIGHT!!!
Items(s) Cancelled:
Change Date: January 02, 2008 10:20
_______________________________________________________________________________
Product # Product Description Qty Price Ext Price
__________ ______________________________ ______ ________ __________
MA895LL/A MBP 15/2.2/2x1GB/120-5400/128V 1 0.00 0.00
Item(s) Remaining:
_______________________________________________________________________________
Product # Product Description Qty Price Ext Price
__________ ______________________________ ______ ________ __________
MA895LL/A MBP 15/2.2/2x1GB/120-5400/128V 1 1,799.00 1,799.00
MA895LL/A MBP 15/2.2/2x1GB/120-5400/128V 1 0.00 0.00
Subtotal: $ 1,799.00
Sales Tax: $ 0.00
New Order Total: $ 1,799.00
So they still want to bill me for the computer I didn't get because they shipped me an iMac instead.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Internet Insult of the Week
"Your opinion in null in void for one reason and one reason only. You are a Gigantic Smurf! You live in a mushroom house and can't procreate. This alone makes your opinion worthless!"
If Bosnians were better shots, the world would be a little less shrill and untalented
"She was, in fact, leading a goodwill entourage that included baggy-pants funnyman Sinbad, singer Sheryl Crow . . . "
The top 10 movie parties
2. The party from Cheerleader Beach Party
There’s a beach with cheerleaders on it and there’s a party. If I have to explain beyond that, you’re gay and possibly an alien.
There’s a beach with cheerleaders on it and there’s a party. If I have to explain beyond that, you’re gay and possibly an alien.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)