The French Government Wants To Tone My Vagina

Last week I began re-educating my vagina.

Let me explain: I live in France.

Shortly after my husband and I moved to Paris, I became pregnant, which was a relief, because I would get fat for a legitimate biological reason, not just because of all the pain au chocolat. When I gave birth to our daughter last November, my husband and I spent five government-sponsored days in the maternity ward at Clinique Leonardo Da Vinci, where we learned that French hospital meals come with a cheese course and that as part of my postpartum treatment I would be prescribed 10 to 20 sessions of la rééducation périnéale. This is a kind of physical therapy designed to retrain the muscles of the pelvic floor, including the vagina, and is one of the cornerstones of French postnatal care. Two months after our daughter was born, I summoned the courage to teach my vagina some new tricks.

(Best comment - That does it. From now on I'm calling it my "Haussmanian soufflé."

Now just TRY to get "Voulez-vous soufflez avec moi, ce soir?" out of your head.)

That's Nice.

Today I taught a workshop on communication for kids with autism. As part of the workshop I ask people to answer the following question on a 3-5 card and pass it in. The question is:

"If you could only say four things for the rest of your life, what would you want to say?"

(Think about your answers.)

50% of the cards included the phrase, "I love you."

43% included the phrase, "Where's the bathroom?"

Other notable responses:

"It is important that I get a good haircut and color regularly."

"Which way to the beach?" - Interesting, because we were in Missoula.

"Two more beers, please."

"Give me all your money."

"I need you to love me."

"Have I offended you somehow?"

"I'm sorry."

"Do you serve alcohol?"

"Where's the remote?" Two cards had this!

"Only once in the long history of "Doonesbury" has Garry Trudeau’s syndicate ever intensely objected to one of his story arcs. It was 1985, a documentary purporting to show the reactions of a fetus had been released, and Trudeau satirized the film "The Silent Scream" with his own “prequel" strips featuring “little Timmy,” a 12-minute-old embryo. Those strips never saw wide release in newspapers. Now, Trudeau has decided to take on the abortion wars head-on for the first time in "Doonesbury’s" four decades in a series of strips depicting mandatory vaginal ultrasounds as rape.

Click to view the strips.

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Sign at the bar at Quinn's Hot Springs

"Family Friendly Until 10 p.m."

I had this vision that at 10:01 p.m. the last child/family would walk out and then . . .

The piano player would sit down and start playing some great music;

The women would jump up on the stage and begin dancing the Can-Can like something out of an old Western movie;

Somebody would shout, "Whiskey for everybody!" and the barkeep would be running up and down the bar pouring shots and leaving bottles of whiskey on the bar;

Everyone would start cursing;

Several fist fights would break out and there would be chairs and bottles flying through the air;

A card game would start at the table, then someone would call someone else a cheat and there would be gun play.

But it really wasn't like that.

Darn!

A Joke

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.

I have a 28 inch waist.

Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that was me..

Been there, done that with my dog.

I'm going to put this up all over my neighborhood. And on one tree on Mt. Ascencion.

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For starters, I think more teenagers should be fitted with shock collars. Read more: http://mtstandard.com/sports/tap-er-light-shocking-turn-of-event

For starters, I think more teenagers should be fitted with shock collars.
Seriously, other than a little shock, the "victim" had no visible signs of injury and didn't require medical attention.
Think about it for a second. K9s - dogs for the layperson - have to endure similar shocks every day, and the average dog can't handle the trauma of a person saying, "What's on the roof, boy? What's on the roof?"
Believe me, a 17-year-old athlete can handle just about anything a your poodle can.
In fact, since the dog doesn't understand exactly who or what is shocking him, the shock from a collar isn't nearly as distressful as being smacked on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Would you be so outraged if the Billings Senior player was bopped on the nose with The Billings Gazette? No way.
Likewise, it wouldn't be a huge deal if parents and coaches were allowed to use shock collars on the children as well.
Actually, coaches should be allowed to use shock collars on parents. That, though, is a column for another day.


Read more: http://mtstandard.com/sports/tap-er-light-shocking-turn-of-events/article_aca48454-5c32-11e1-a961-001871e3ce6c.html#ixzz1nVHIWQPT

A Joke

Tom feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For Gods sake, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

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Pills

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

Brilliant!

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Further Signs of the Coming Apocalypse

Jenny McCarthy and Tim Tebow took the first step towards everlasting love by exchanging phone numbers at a radio event last week in Indianapolis, where McCarthy did a live interview with Rosie O'Donnell for SiriusXM Satellite Radio ahead of Sunday's Super Bowl.

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(Photo: Reuters)
Does the Man upstairs want Tim Tebow to date Jenny McCarthy?

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According to In Touch magazine, McCarthy told O'Donnell that she was "newly single" and "had a crush on Tim Tebow." Rosie knew that Tebow was in the same building to do an interview with another radio station, and dragged McCarthy over to him for an introduction.

"Rosie jumped up and took Jenny by the arm and walked her over to Tim. She said to him, 'Hi, I'm Rosie O'Donnell and this is Jenny McCarthy and she's single. I think you two would be perfect together. Now exchange telephone numbers.' Rosie then walked away," a witness reportedly told In Touch.

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Shampoo Warning

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

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A Joke

Shampoo Warning

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads:

"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."

Problem solved!

If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!