A Joke

Michael and Larry got married in California ..
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

Best Children's Book Ever?

"This is the most honest children's book ever written. And it's f*cking hilarious."—A.J. Jacobs, author of The Year of Living Biblically

"Total genius."—Jonathan Lethem, author of Motherless Brooklyn

Go the Fuck To Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don't always send a toddler sailing off to dreamland. Honest, profane, and affectionate, Adam Mansbach's verses and Ricardo Cortés' illustrations perfectly capture the familiar—and unspoken—tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night, and open up a conversation about parenting in the process. Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the Fuck to Sleep is a perfect gift for parents new, old, or expectant. Here is a sample verse:

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You're cozy and warm in your bed, my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep.

DADS: THE ORIGINAL HIPSTERS

Your dad rode a skateboard before you did and he has a picture in Thrasher to prove it. When your dad was younger, skateboarding was so underground that he had to build his own boards. The cops didn’t know what to do with this new shit kicking menace to the middle class, so they made skateboarding illegal. So hipster, next time you’re rolling down the bike lane of some hipster neighborhood in SF, Portland or New York, remember this…

Your dad was so fucking gnar and awesome that the things he did for fun were made illegal in public places.

My daughter made this.

Stiffler's Mom?

Outside Bozeman magazine has attitude.

Know Thyself By Editors

Being an asshole is like burying a dead body in the woods: everyone’s done it. Or something like that. Are you an asshole? Take our handy quiz to find out. 1. Did you blow up the cliffs along the Jefferson River? 2. Have you updated your Facebook status from the summit of Sacagawea? 3. Are your hat, vest, and waders appropriately color and brand coordinated? 4. Do you drive a foreign car worth more than $50,000? 5. Do you wear a white cowboy hat? 6. Do you walk your dog by driving behind it on a dirt road? 7. Do you complain about the snow in the winter and the fires in the summer? 8. Have you stopped selling local beers? 9. Do you live behind a locked security gate? 10. Have you ever thrown something at a buffalo and then been surprised when it trampled you? 10a. If yes, did you later sue the buffalo and the park ranger? 11. Have you bailed out on your partner on the morning of an adventure for any reason other than being diagnosed with a flesh-eating virus? 12. Have you littered because "it creates jobs"? 13. Do you leave ranch gates open while hunting? 14. Do you bring your cell phone along on a powder day? 15. Do you wish Bridger Bowl had more slopeside lodging and shopping? 16. Have you modified the exhaust of your truck, motorcycle, or snowmobile just to be "a little louder and more visible"? 17. Have you killed a game animal and eaten none of its meat? 18. Do you think spin fishermen are inferior to fly fishermen? 18a. If yes, do you leer at or verbally assault them for keeping a legal amount of fish? 19. Have you peed in Norris Hot Springs? 20. Do you keep hunters, fishermen, and other outdoors people from accessing public land through your property just “because it’s mine?” 21. Do you Tweet? 22. Do you live in a subdivision of 20-acre ranchettes? 23. Is your “cabin” over 4,000 square feet? 23a. If yes, do fewer than 8 people live there? 24. Can your house be seen from the river? 25. Do you pick up your FREE copy of Outside Bozeman and then bitch about its contents? Three or less: You’re an asshole, but not a very big one. Four to nine: Starting to look pretty assholish… careful. Ten or more: Leave now before we kill you.

Children's Drawings Drawn Realistically

Who pays teachers best for their time?

Infographic - Masturbation Facts and Figurs

10 Charts About Sex

OK Cupid creates fascinating data from their web site profiles.

Vegetarian Friendly Sex Slang

Headline of the week - Blackmailer in a clown suit gets 3 years

Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/crime/detail?entry_id=87485#ixzz1KSxJmL9w

A Joke

I met a magic fairy today who offered to grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

The Future According to Google

Bad Excerpts From Bad Romance Novels

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss—a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.

“The Ghost Downstairs” - Molly Ringle

Face book pokes translated

How to get men to wash their hands.

Meanwhile in a classroom in Texas

So long as one person gets the joke . . .

Good warnin.g

Mental disorder posters - OCD

As my friend Dan says, "It should be Compulsive Disorder - Obsessive. That way the letters are in the right order."

A Rare Look at Antarctica, 1911-1914

I want this costume for Halloween

Study: Pot Growers Inhale 1% of U.S. Electricity, Exhale GHGs of 3M Cars

Indoor marijuana cultivation consumes enough electricity to power 2 million average-sized U.S. homes, which corresponds to about 1 percent of national power consumption, according to a study by a staff scientist at the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory.

Researcher Evan Mills' study notes that cannabis production has largely shifted indoors, especially in California, where medical marijuana growers use high-intensity lights usually reserved for operating rooms that are 500 times more powerful that a standard reading lamp.

The resulting price tag is about $5 billion in annual electricity costs, said Mills, who conducted and published the research independently from the Berkeley lab. The resulting contribution to greenhouse gas emissions equals about 3 million cars on the road, he said.

Narrowing the implications even further reveals some staggering numbers. Mills said a single marijuana cigarette represents 2 pounds of CO2 emissions, an amount equal to running a 100-watt light bulb for 17 hours.

Sex After a Field Trip Yields Scientific First

A U.S. vector biologist appears to have accidentally written virological history simply by having sex with his wife after returning from a field trip to Senegal. A study just released inEmerging Infectious Diseases suggests that the researcher, Brian Foy of Colorado State University in Fort Collins, passed to his wife the Zika virus, an obscure pathogen that causes joint pains and extreme fatigue. If so, it would be the first documented case of sexual transmission of an insect-borne disease.

There is no direct evidence that Foy's wife was infected through sexual contact, but the circumstantial evidence is strong. It's very unlikely that she was infected by a bite by a mosquito that first bit her husband; the three tropical Aedes mosquito species known to transmit Zika don't live in northern Colorado, and moreover, the virus has to complete a 2-week life cycle within the insect before it can infect the next human; Foy's wife fell ill just 9 days after his return. And yes, as the paper puts it, "patients 1 and 3 reported having vaginal sexual intercourse in the days after patient 1 returned home but before the onset of his clinical illness." ("My wife wasn't happy with what happened afterwards," Foy adds.)

Where Easter Eggs Come From

April Fool's Day = There's an App for that

Where was this when I was in Boy Scouts?

I can do that.

What determines your car insurance rates?

Mail a coconut from the Molokai, Hawaii post office

Want It! Texas Flashlight

Weirdly correct

A Joke

The Montana Department of Labor claimed a small Victor rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

MT Govt agent: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Rancher: Well, there's my first hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

MT Govt agent: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Rancher: That would be me.

A joke

he teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Don't f#*k with Mommy when she's been drinking."

A Joke

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

Do Not Want

The Ramones. 1978. 24 songs in 56 minutes

Why old friends are the best friends

What does your state do best? And worst?

A Visual History of Baggage Fees