Sunday, February 28, 2010

Actual Quotes from Resumes

~ I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability.

~ Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

~ Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.

~ Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping". I have never quit a job.

~ Number of dependents: 40.

~ Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.

~ REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous."

~ They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under

those conditions.

~ JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

~ I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

~ My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

~ I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

~ PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.