Actual Quotes from Resumes

~ I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability.

~ Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

~ Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.

~ Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping". I have never quit a job.

~ Number of dependents: 40.

~ Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.

~ REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous."

~ They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under

those conditions.

~ JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.

~ I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

~ My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

~ I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

~ PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

How fast can you lose an Olympic medal?

Click on the PLAY button next to each event to hear how apart people finished.

How Deep Is The Deepest Place On Earth?

How Millenial Are You?

I am 88. Suzanne, who has multiple earrings and texts alot if 94.

Find Your Street - Girls

Find your street - Boys

The Eight Largest Burger Chains

Bananas exploding on face

Cool page of famous people's letterheads

Health Data

A Joke

Missed that after school special

How to be happy - the expanded version

Dynamite Blast Kills Helena Youth

15 Things You Should Know About Breasts

Uncovering the secrets of mega shark

I did not enter the last wireless network

Clothing Tag

Tali-Tubbe

When I get old, I'm going to be chemical engineer..

When we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our
hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other
"seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that
would make many of us wither.

Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

“I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine. And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!”

A Joke

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT".

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following note:

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

1 - it had never been occupied;

2 - there was plenty of heat; and

3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

1 - it had been previously occupied,

2 - there wasn't any heat, and

3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:

1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame themanagement.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

The Penny Gets A New Look This Year

Good maps on diabetes and obesity

Where I Went In January

The new job duties have me traveling less. This month.

Montana County License Plates

A Joke

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

I Like This

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT. DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND,

“TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.”

THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH. THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE SCRATCHED ON A STONE:

“TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.”

THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM,”AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?'

THE FRIEND REPLIED “WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY.

BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT.”

A Valentine's Day steak from a romantic butcher

The view from my window - Polson

Taster round at the Glacier Brewing Company in Polson

The Slurry Bomber Stout and the Glacier Select were good, The Black Cherry Pilsner was a sin against the gods of beer.

License Plate

Me and Paul in the rest home.

I got a GPS for my car!

That could be my kid.

Want It!

Hitler Finds Out That Kevin Smith Was Thrown Off Southwest Airlines Flight

Doug Fieger Dies at 57, Singer of ‘My Sharona’

Doug Fieger, the lead singer and rhythm guitarist of the band the Knack, whose enduring 1979 hit “My Sharona” has become an emblem of the new wave era in rock and a prime example of the brevity of pop fame, died on Sunday at his home in Woodland Hills, Calif. He was 57.

http://www.newwest.net/topic/article/yellowtone_wolf_numbers_drop_for_second_year/C559/L559/

Wolf numbers in Yellowstone National Park declined for the second consecutive year. The decline was expected and considered natural.

The Yellowstone Wolf Project reports the 2009 population at 96-98 wolves, down 23 percent from the 124 wolves recorded in 2008. This is the fourth decline since wolf reintroduction began in 1995. A population high
of 174 wolves was recorded in 2003. In 2004 and 2007, 171 wolves were counted.

A Joke

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides. 'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other. 'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly. 'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other. 'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers. 'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.' 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . 'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

I don't think so.

"Our debt to Haiti stems from four main sources: slavery, the US occupation, dictatorship and climate change. These claims are not fantastical, nor are they merely rhetorical. They rest on multiple violations of legal norms and agreements."

Naomi Klein

My New Favorite Song

Danger!

Big Graphic Blueprint

Want It!

And now, Bohemian Rhapsody played on a ukelele

Meet the New (old) Barbie

You don't even have to ask: Of course she has a pink laptop.

Earlier on Friday, toymaker Mattel announced the results of an online contest to name the profession that the latest edition of Barbie dolls would have, and ultimately two were named: alongside "News Anchor" was the popular-vote winner, "Computer Engineer Barbie." Yes, she has a Bluetooth headset, a pink laptop, a smartphone, and hot-pink glasses. Oh, and she wears sparkly black leggings and a neon green shirt patterned with binary code, the sort of outfit that was probably only acceptable among Burning Man attendees in the late 1990s who liked to talk about "cyberspace." Actually, judging by that outfit, a Pets.com sock puppet would make a great accessory for the new doll.

Beetle Mania

Researchers at Northern Arizona University recently revealed a new weapon against swarms of tree-eating bark beetles. Rather than dousing them with environmentally unfriendly pesticides, researchers exposed the bugs to recordings of their own mating calls. And their reaction was to freeze, flee, or violently attack one another.

The NAU study focused on devising ways to stop the aggressive bark beetles, which are devastating the forests of the West. Azcentral.com reports that the bugs have chewed through millions of acres of the West's pine forests, leaving behind dry, dead trees and the potential risk of wildfires. Experts say the bark beetles have decimated 80 million ponderosa, piñon and lodgepole pines in Arizona and New Mexico alone.

Richard Hofstetter is a forest entomologist at NAU and leader of the study. As he told Azcentral.com, "Our interest is to use acoustic sounds that make beetles uncomfortable and not want to be in that environment." At first, the researchers blared Queen and Guns N' Roses and played snippets of radio talker Rush Limbaugh backward for the beetles. The beetles were undeterred. But when researchers played digitally altered recording of their own songs, the beetles went crazy. As one researcher noted, at one point “the male stopped mating and tore the female apart.”

The study, notably called “Beetle Mania,” took place in a lab. The researchers hope to gain funding to take the twisted beetle songs out into the wild. Researchers hope that beetles can be reined in with this acoustic pest control.

Read more: http://www.good.is/post/bark-beetles-own-bug-songs-drive-them-crazy?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+good%2Flbvp+%28GOOD+Main+RSS+Feed%29#ixzz0fX7mzyU6
Under Creative Commons License: Attribution

Helena's Last Bordello

Today I found out you can get arrested for Free Hugs

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm gonna carry a can of spray paint driving around this summer.

A few posters

Do you know the Seven Dwarves?

Toothpaste

Wi-Fi Turns Rowdy Bus Into Rolling Study Hall

VAIL, Ariz. — Students endure hundreds of hours on yellow buses each year getting to and from school in this desert exurb of Tucson, and stir-crazy teenagers break the monotony by teasing, texting, flirting, shouting, climbing (over seats) and sometimes punching (seats or seatmates).

Enlarge This Image

Joshua Lott for The New York Times

Jerod Reyes, left, and Dylan Powell use their bus's Wi-Fi to do homework on their way to school.

Enlarge This Image

Joshua Lott for The New York Times

On buses equipped with Wi-Fi in Vail, Ariz., officials say more homework is getting done, and there's less rowdy behavior.

Enlarge This Image

Joshua Lott for The New York Times

Armando Lagunas finds the bus a place for quiet pursuits, even when he isn't online.

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But on this chilly morning, as bus No. 92 rolls down a mountain highway just before dawn, high school students are quiet, typing on laptops.

Morning routines have been like this since the fall, when school officials mounted a mobile Internet router to bus No. 92’s sheet-metal frame, enabling students to surf the Web. The students call it the Internet Bus, and what began as a high-tech experiment has had an old-fashioned — and unexpected — result. Wi-Fi access has transformed what was often a boisterous bus ride into a rolling study hall, and behavioral problems have virtually disappeared.