It is a wonderful piece of alternate universe American history, in which President Nixon had to explain to a nation that Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong were going to die on the moon.
Monday, September 28, 2009
William Safire's Finest Speech
Columnist and presidential speechwriter Bill Safire was one of only three non-disloyal Jews President Nixon could name. Here is the speech he drafted for Nixon to read in case the Apollo 11 Astronauts became stranded on the moon!
It is a wonderful piece of alternate universe American history, in which President Nixon had to explain to a nation that Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong were going to die on the moon.
It is a wonderful piece of alternate universe American history, in which President Nixon had to explain to a nation that Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong were going to die on the moon.
Get ready for a new TSA search.
"After al-Asiri entered a small room to speak with Prince Mohammed, he activated a small improvised explosive device (IED) he had been carrying inside his anal cavity. The resulting explosion ripped al-Asiri to shreds but only lightly injured the shocked prince — the target of al-Asiri’s unsuccessful assassination attempt."
Smoke them if you got 'em!
Ireland-based Ryanair is selling smokeless cigarettes on all the company’s flights. Ryanair says a survey showed more than 24,000 passengers would like the option to smoke during flights and that was enough of an incentive in these lean times to try and gain some market share as well as some extra income. So as long as you’re at least 18 years old, the company will sell you a pack of smokeless smokes for 6 euro (about $8.75).
Ryanair is a discount airlines that flies throughout Europe and North Africa and is no stranger to using a gimmick to bring in some business. The company says the cigarettes can’t be lit and deliver the nicotine through inhalation.
For those who fear the old days when the difference between the smoking section on an airplane and the non-smoking section was simply whichever way the air was flowing inside the cabin, the smokeless cigarettes do not emit any toxins or chemicals to nearby passengers. Company spokesman Stephen McNamara believes when smokers can get their nicotine, everybody wins, “as these cigarettes are smokeless, they cause no discomfort to other passengers and can ensure a more enjoyable and stress-free flight for all passengers as non-smokers will no longer have to cope with moody smokers in need of nicotine.
Ryanair is a discount airlines that flies throughout Europe and North Africa and is no stranger to using a gimmick to bring in some business. The company says the cigarettes can’t be lit and deliver the nicotine through inhalation.
For those who fear the old days when the difference between the smoking section on an airplane and the non-smoking section was simply whichever way the air was flowing inside the cabin, the smokeless cigarettes do not emit any toxins or chemicals to nearby passengers. Company spokesman Stephen McNamara believes when smokers can get their nicotine, everybody wins, “as these cigarettes are smokeless, they cause no discomfort to other passengers and can ensure a more enjoyable and stress-free flight for all passengers as non-smokers will no longer have to cope with moody smokers in need of nicotine.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Bionic Eye iPhone Application
To use it, you just hold it up and look. As you scan the electronic window across the cityscape the app updates in real time and shows you where things are. Move the iPhone down to a horizontal position and the jiggling signs turn into a list. Touch one of the items and the display shows an arrow pointing you towards, say, a lunch of wings and tight-fitting T-shirts.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
infotainment is more important than news.
"Katie Couric’s annual salary is more than the entire annual budgets of NPR’s Morning Edition and All Things Considered combined. Couric’s salary comes to an estimated $15 million a year; NPR spends $6 million a year on its morning show and $5 million on its afternoon one."
A Joke
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Fort Peck To Terry
On the north end of Fort Peck Lake I saw what is probably the eastern-most osprey nest in Montana. It's wonder two of them found each other.
Monday, September 21, 2009
ACORN - good know who their friends are.
Former Housing and Urban Development Secretary Henry Cisneros will be involved in a review of the controversial taxpayer-funded organization ACORN.
"I said to some of the ACORN officials yesterday, something is fundamentally wrong with the culture of the organization when that can happen," Cisneros said. "Even if they were suckered, even it was done falsely, it still indicates the organization has some shaping up to do."
"Any organization that takes public money has to be accountable, has to be transparent, has to be effective and ACORN has some work to do," he said.
WIKIPEDIA = Cisneros left public office as a result of a controversy involving payments to his former mistress, in which he pleaded guilty to making false statements to federal officials.
"I said to some of the ACORN officials yesterday, something is fundamentally wrong with the culture of the organization when that can happen," Cisneros said. "Even if they were suckered, even it was done falsely, it still indicates the organization has some shaping up to do."
"Any organization that takes public money has to be accountable, has to be transparent, has to be effective and ACORN has some work to do," he said.
WIKIPEDIA = Cisneros left public office as a result of a controversy involving payments to his former mistress, in which he pleaded guilty to making false statements to federal officials.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
What we sing about when we sing about the body
Broken down by genre. Hip hop may not be safe for work.
A Joke
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle ! down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle ! down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."
"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."
I miss my wife . . . but my aim is getting better.
Too bad she's holding up a pane of bulletproof glass.
Wonder if she ever got him to trade roles.
The truth about lottery tickets
Just The Facts
The odds of winning a Mega Millions Jackpot are 175,000,000 to one.
The odds, as an American Male, of being Tom Cruise are only 150,000,000 to one.
You are more likely to call heads twice, roll a six and then be struck by lightning than win a regular 6/49 lottery.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
A new way to binge drink
Quirky’s LugeCubes is a modular ice luge kit that comes with 3 custom mold designs and a drinking spout. Out with the standard shot glasses, it’s time to for the Ultimate Liquor Run.
The durable ice luge molding system lets you build and customize your own ice luge design. The compact cube trays are split into two halves to save storage room in your freezer. We’ve carefully crafted the enclosed tubular luge design to allow the drinker to see the liquor traveling through the ice (READ: easy to imbibe when intoxicated).
Friday, September 18, 2009
What's in a school lunch?
Each school day, more than 30 million children are provided with reduced-cost or free lunches as part of the National School Lunch Program. The NSLP requires that lunches meet nutritional guidelines established by the USDA. Here are two lunches; each meets the USDA’s guidelines. One represents the type of processed foods typically found on school-lunch trays, and the other represents an alternative lunch of whole grains, legumes, low-fat dairy, fresh fruit, and vegetables. Click here to see both lunches and decide which you would like to eat.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
How to spend the stimulus funds from the government
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos..
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US ..)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
God Bless America
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos..
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US ..)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
God Bless America
Overheard at a bar in Glasgow
Guy 1: You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!
Guy 2: Yeah, but they still shot Old Yeller.
Guy 2: Yeah, but they still shot Old Yeller.
Who Talked The Most?
An odd site that allows you to pick to members of Congress and see who spoke the most words and in what areas they spoke.
I would have expected more words from Baucus than from Tester.
The terrorist threat level is . . . never changed?
The often-spoofed, color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System may get an overhaul – moving from five colors to three in a bid to win the public trust.
The nation has been at Yellow, “an elevated significant risk of terrorist attacks” for three years. International and domestic flights have been at an Orange “high risk of terrorist attacks” for the same period.
A proposal by the Homeland Security Advisory Council, unveiled late Tuesday, recommends removing two of the five colors, with a standard state of affairs being a “guarded” Yellow. The Green “low risk of terrorist attacks” might get removed altogether, meaning stay prepared for your morning subway commute to turn deadly at any moment.
The Threat Level advisory system was set up in 2002 in the wake of the 2001 terror attacks and has changed 17 times — the last in 2006. It has never been lowered to Green “low risk of terrorist attacks” or the Blue “general risk of terrorist attacks.”
“There is currently indifference to the public Homeland Security Advisory System and, at worst, there is a disturbing lack of public confidence in the system,” the council wrote Janet Napolitano, the Homeland Security secretary.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Old Joke, New Twist
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“The interrupting Kanye ”
“The interrupting Kanye w…?”
“BEYONCE SHOULD HAVE GOT THE AWARD. THAT’S ALL I’M SAYIN’”
“Who’s there?”
“The interrupting Kanye ”
“The interrupting Kanye w…?”
“BEYONCE SHOULD HAVE GOT THE AWARD. THAT’S ALL I’M SAYIN’”
Monday, September 14, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
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