2006 Things To Do - Float Five Rivers

I had some great days floating and fishing last year but mainly floated the Missouri. Next year I want to float the:

Blackfoot
Clark Fork
North Fork of the Flathead
A new river I haven't floated.

And I would love to float the Smith (see link).

Insane Car Ad

How crazy do you have to be to do these stunts in an Isuzu?

See where every plane flying over the U.S. is AT THIS VERY SECOND!

This is way cool.

Not as cool as living in a town where you go to the airport when you hear the flight come in, but pretty cool.

What I Heard About Iraq in 2005

I heard a journalist ask the President: ‘Do you think that the insurgency is getting harder now to defeat militarily?’ And I heard the President reply: ‘No, I don’t think so. I think they’re being defeated. And that’s why they continue to fight.’

Your Daddy KILLS Animals!

PETA, making friends for over 30 years.

"And it doesn’t do any good for your daddy to throw them back
in the water, either. Fish who are impaled and thrown back in
the water swim away with a horrible bloody wound, and with no
fish doctors around to take care of them, many slowly die! "

Ew! Ew! Ew!

They have RECORDS for this? Someone CLAIMED that record? Ew! Ew! Ew!

I need to go look at pictures of lovely women or something.

Explain This To Your Insurance Agent

It's amazing just how stupid some people are.

Wanted It - so I ordered one.

The LightCap is not only an unbreakable one-liter water bottle, it’s also the coolest solar powered LED light you’ve ever used.

I Like Montana Politics

Schweitzer's jeans, dog get thumbs up

HELENA - Montana voters show lopsided support for one of Gov. Brian Schweitzer's more proletariat policies - wearing jeans to work and routinely bringing his border collie to the office, a Gazette State Poll shows.

Sixty-eight percent of registered Montana voters surveyed said they thought it was appropriate for Schweitzer to wear blue jeans to work and bring his dog Jag to the governor's office. Only 22 percent considered the behavior inappropriate, while 10 percent said they were unsure.

Schweitzer typically wears jeans, a dress shirt, cowboy boots with a low heel, and a bolo tie.

Shortly after his successful 2004 election, but before he was sworn in as governor, Schweitzer showed up with Jag, then just a puppy. The gubernatorial herd dog is now a mainstay at the Capitol, often seen trotting behind the governor or plopped near Schweitzer's feet during meetings.

Science for the very poor school

Most boring webcam ever

People doing not much in place where even less happens.

Let this be a warning to all of you

While none of the stars are believed to have a medical degree, the colorful graphics and informative documentaries in the exhibits certainly seemed convincing enough for them to confidently label psychiatry a "fraud" and an "industry of death."

Has Bush Been Drinking Again?

Watch the video and decide for yourself.

The Last Christmas Video of the Year

At least from me.

Don't forget to wait for Tiny Tim.

Where do vampires learn to suck blood?

Law school.

We have a new Chinese restaurant in town

And I will never order from the bottom half of the menu.

Christmas With The Family

I am blessed in that I have several families. Last night was spent with one of my families - going out to supper, opening presents and just hanging out. Watching the kids and adults open my and each other's presents was a true joy. And Travis showed the true Christmas spirit by first enjoying and then sharing my gift to him:





This is Travis about 12 years ago with my dog, Bob.

Another Sign Of The Apocalypse

Using a network of cameras that can automatically read every passing number plate, the plan is to build a huge database of vehicle movements so that the police and security services can analyse any journey a driver has made over several years.

Beyond Flexible

This woman is amazing, at the level of a new species type of amazing.

What I Want For Christmas - NOT!

True story - When my godson Seth was eight years old we saw someone wearing one of these hats. I got Seth to go up to the guy and say:

(crying) "Mister, why did you kill your dog?"

He was the most fun kid ever.

Pac-Man Fever

Waka-waka-waka.

EAT IT? Never in a million years

I Yust Go Nuts At Christmas

This is one of my favorite Christmas songs but I couldn't find an MP3. I actually have this on a 78 rpm record and when I am at home for Christmas we drag out one of the Victrolas (we have several) and listen to the scratchy old record.

So in your best Norhoogian accent, please join me in singing:

Jorgi Jorgenson - I Just Go Nuts At Christmas

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas,
On that yolly holiday,
I'll go in the red, like a knucklehead
Cause I squander all my pay.

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas,
Shopping sure drives me beserk,
On the day before, I rush in da store,
Like a nervous nelly yerk.
I look at nightgowns for my vife,
Dose black ones trimmed in red.
But, I won't know her size,
And so, she'll get a carpet sweeper instead.

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas
Ven each kid hangs up his sock,
Its a time for kids, to flip der lids,
While der papa goes in hock.

On da night before Christmas.
Its still in the house,
My family is sleeping,
I'm quiet like a mouse.
I look at my vatch, and midnite is near,
I tink I'll sneak out, For a cold glass of beer.
Down at the corner, the crowd is so merry,
I end up by drinking about twelve Tom & Yerry,

I get to bed late, and yee vhise how I'm sleeping,
Ven on to my bed, dose darn kids, day come leaping.
Day sit on my face, and day yump on my belly,
And I'm quivering all over, like a bowl full of yelly,

Day scream Merry Christmas, and my poor vife and me,
Ve stumble down stairs, and she lights off da tree.
My head is exploding, my mouth tastes like a pickle,
I step on a skate, and fall on a tricycle.

Yust befor Christmas dinner, I relax to a point,
Den relatives start svarming, all over da yoint.
On Christmas, I hug and I kiss my vifes mother,
Da rest of da year, ve don't speak to each other.
After dinner, my aunt, and my vifes uncle Louie,
Get into a arguement; dere both awful screwy.
Den all of my vifes family, say Louie is right,
And my goofy relations, day yoin in da fight.

Back in da corner, da radio is playing,
And over da racket, Gabriel Heater is saying,
Peace on earth everybody, and good vill toward men
and yust at dat moment, someone slugs uncle Ben.
Dey all run outside vhooping for da neighbors will hear,
Ohhhh, I'm so glad Merry Christmas,
Comes yust once a year.

Oh, I yust go nuts at Christmas,
But I still have lots of fun,
Yust da same as you, I enyoy it too,
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE.

iPod Purse

This looks totally '60's cool.

Free 411 Service For Your Cellphone

Approved by Snopes.

Sunday Hike

Stella DID NOT want ride in the backseat with Nica, who does not tolerate bouncing all over the place.



They keep his head warmer? They are lined with tinfoil? I don't know why.

A Bush Speech Decoded and Annotated

I wish they could show this on TV.

It's Krumkake Time!!!

I spent my afternoon making the first batch of krumkake and delivering it to friends. Several new people got to try it as well. There are few things more satisfying than watching someone eat a treat for the first time and say, "OH MY GOD! THAT IS SO GOOD!"


Plus three cups of sugar.



Like a cast iron skillet, it only looks dirty.


Out-of-Helena packages will be mailed after Christmas.



"Please sir, can I have some more?"

Nica's New Best Friend

She takes pity on the poorly dressed.

Step Two - Part Two of Replacing the Floor

The fridge is still on the back porch as are a couple of coolers of food. Last night after a party I left out half a growler of Blackfoot Brewing Company Amber Ale. It is now frozen solid. I forgot to bring in the cooler with the milk and orange juice so I had to thaw a bit of slushy milk in the microwave to put over my cereal. Hopefully this afternoon or tomorrow I can bring it all back in.

The floor looks great though.

Mistletoe and Meat

Warning: These projects may cause ruined stoves, runaway children and lawsuits from the neighbors. And don’t eat or drink any of them either.

(if the bandwidth is overloaded just try later.)

A Laugh and a Shock

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.







I like to ease my holiday stress through poetry

Fire, fire burn real bright
Tell us who'll be burned tonight.
Snowmen everywhere will freak
To see a fellow snowman shriek.

Melting, mushing, squashing, squishing;
You'll bet snowmen will be wishing

Soggy heaven, up he'll go;
His mother, she will miss him so.

We'll send him to his fiery tomb,
Spring's arrival is his doom,

To welcome in the spring's delight,
We'll kill a snowman this dreary night.

-- Amy Sampson and Adele Worcester, grade 7


Kill, kill, kill the snowman!
Slit its throat, pour its blood.
Cut off its nose and eat it like Bugs Bunny.
That would be funny.
Pull out the coal eyes and burn them to ashes.
Roll the eyelashes in window sashes.
Take his top hat and put it on,
Pretend you are Uncle Scrooge ... you're gone!
Smack him with a hammer called Sledgie
Yank his undies and give him a wedgie
Little stick arms, break them in two.
Jump on them, kick them with your shoe.
Take his buttons, put them on your coat,
Toss him in the river, see if he'll float.
Tighten his scarf, make him barf.
Steal his mittens
Feed them to kittens.
Slice him right down the middle
Bash the remains with a big fat fiddle.

-- Justin Bloch and Corey Lindstrom, Grade 8

Producers will try to fit person to part in 'Vagina Monologues'

"The queer community, the women of color community and the plus-size community did not feel represented last year," producer Nicole Pete said.”

I’m guessing that the plus-size community is a pretty large one.


Oh, snap. I think I just did a hate crime.

If you are looking for my Christmas gift . . .

I think this just might freak Nica out.

For the REALLY craft obsessed.

Grandma, that's gross!

Sunrise

Step 2 - Remove stove and fridge

That isn't dirt on the floor, it's burnt glue. And I painted the wall behind the fridge and stove the same blue as the rest of the kitchen. Yeah, I painted it. With Morgan Fairchild as my assistant.



Getting the fridge out on the deck was a problem for a few moments.



Apparently if you feed enough toothpicks to a vacuum cleaner it starts to smoke.



I also discovered that the floor is composed of pressboard, cut to different sizes (and shapes) and screwed into the floor. It looks like they had a bunch of leftover wood from some project, smoked a bowl and decided that it would be fun to screw a jigsaw puzzle into the floor.

So I replaced it. With Morgan Fairchild as my assistant.

Best Media Errors of 2005

There are some good ones here, though not as good as the Helena paper reporting that bears would now be released from culvert traps by using electric "wenches" to open the trap door.

New Security Procedures for State Of Montana Web Pages

You probably won't even notice.

Here's a little Christmas Fun for the kids

and the rest of us as well. Enjoy.

A Very Sexy Woman . . .

who says, "Bollocks!".

My new favorite commercial.

My Trip To Paradise

I spent last night at Quinn's Hot Springs on my way to Paradise (Montana).

Here are some pictures of the trip:

A Very Cool Song

When it goes odd stick with it.

Step 1 - Remove Old Flooring

Let no knuckle go unspared.



I hope that the person who used a lot of caulk to secure the tiles UNDER the baseboard has only one tooth left.


And that after they used these nails UNDER the baseboard they had a toothache in that one tooth.


It looked like junk and I will be glad to have it be gone.


Next is, "Where the heck do I move the fridge and stove when the linoleum goes in?"

Caller Eye Deer

I would like to rig something like this up for my office.

Sunrise

Fanfare For The Common Snowblower

"Putting on a pair of warm gloves at 10 below is a pleasure akin to great sex."

It'a A Wonderful Life

The whole movie In 30 seconds.

Acted by bunnies.


Which, I have to admit, is as much of the movie as I have ever watched. I just can't get into it. But now I know how it goes (and ends).

Cowboy Wisdom

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Montana Fish, Wildlife and Parks videos now online

There are tours of state parks and videos about various species as well as much more.

A Very Scary Website

If the first page isn't enough to wish for euthanasia for this girl, try and follow the purple list link to her Holiday pictures.

Follow-up article on the bison hunt.

I think this article says a lot about our culture here in Montana. We can disagree but still help each other.

1949 Candy Salesman's Catalog

I find it amazing how many of these candies are still around.

Wanders of a Well-Weathered Skeleton

I've posted some pictures of my November wanders.

When motorcycle strikes car.

The rider, who had recently obtained his license, was estimated to be going 155 mph (250 km) when he hit the car, which was moving slowly through an intersection.

I am such a volleyball stud!

Score:

Us 0 Them 9

Doug serves.

Us 12 Them 9

I served four aces and another three that never made it back over the net. My team carried me off on their shoulders.

Well maybe not the last part.

Dogtivity

This just isn't right. I don't care how much of a pet lover you are, having the baby Jesus portrayed by a dog is wrong.

And the Moosetivity?

Why a lumberjack? Why a werewolf?

If you know the answer to these questions, please let me know.

Also, how do you get down off an elephant?

Building Demolition

Whoops.

Stairway to Gilligan

"Hey, you got Gilligan in my Zepplin."

"No, you got Zepplin in my Gilligan."

Only men would buy a product like this.

On a scale of "Brilliant!" to "Stupid" this is nowhere near brilliant.

Or maybe I just feel that way because I've been working to get rid of mine.

How fast can you type the alphabet?

12.44 seconds for me.

A Great Advertisement

It's tough to sell something without showing the product. This is a great example of how it can be done.