## Monday, July 25, 2011

### Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic?

“First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, and then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

## Friday, July 22, 2011

### Calgary radio station has contest for winner to get breast surgery. Guess what happened??

When the winner of the Breast Summer Contest Ever was finally announced, the attacks of even one of the harshest critics were blunted.

The prize of breast augmentation surgery initially drew the howls of protest that it objectified women and encouraged body image dissatisfaction.

A complaint was filed with the Ad Standards Council and the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council and the Calgary radio station that launched the contest was inundated with angry e-mails, Facebook messages and tweets.

But the winner announced Wednesday was Avery Mitchell, a transgendered contestant in the process of transforming into a woman.

She earned a whopping 76 per cent of the more than 30,000 online votes drawn by the contest that was dreamed up by AMP Radio 90.3

### Jokes

An AT&T cell tower walks into a bar and says, "I wo...enj...blac...nin...ou.........."

Two cowboys are in the kitchen, which one is the real cowboy?
The one working on the range.

Q: How do you know if someone's vegan?
A: Oh, they'll tell you...

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.

What do you call a raft guide without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

A man walks into a bar, takes out a can of black spray paint, and starts drawing all over the vestibule.
Enraged, the bartender yells at the man, "Get outta here! And never darken my doorway again!"

How many teenagers does it take to change a light bulb?
Mom!

A penguin's car is overheating so he drops it off at a mechanic and goes out to run a few errands.
He comes back to the shop. The mechanic says 'Hey, it looks like you blew a seal'
The penguin says 'No no no, it was a sea lion. You can tell from the ears.'

English Teacher: Knock knock.
Student: Who's there?
English Teacher: To.
Student: To who?
English Teacher (shaking head): To whom.

My favorite joke is about Jonestown but I had to quit telling it because the punchline was too long.

I was going to tell you a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.

Q: What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
A: An etymologist would know the difference

A young man invited a young woman out on a date. They had dinner at a nice restaurant. Afterward the young man asked his date if she would join him in a cigarette. "Oh no," she said. "What would I tell my Sunday school class?"
So the man was driving her home and they passed near a drinking establishment. The man asked her if she would join him for a drink. "Oh no," she said again. "What would I tell my Sunday school class?"
A bit later they passed near a motel, and the young man decided to go for broke. He asked her if she would like to stop there for a bit of fun. "That sounds great," she said. "Let's do it."
"But what will you tell your Sunday school class?"
"The same thing I always tell them: You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time."

“Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.”

A Man walks into a dentist's office. The dentist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," said the man, "I'm a moth."
"A Moth? You mean the little insect with wings?"
"Right, a moth."
"Oh," said the dentist, "You don't need me, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you come to my office?"
"Your light was on."

## Sunday, July 17, 2011

### A Joke

 n Texas, there is a town called New Braunfels, where there is a large German-speaking population.One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond. The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht.. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." Which means: ("Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.")The man shouted back, "I'm from New York, and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more."

## Tuesday, July 12, 2011

### Don't kill yourself, ask me another question!

But they do have some smart programmers to anticipate someone typing what I did to see if it was a real human.

The Turing test is a test of a machine's ability to exhibit intelligent behavior. A human judge engages in a natural language conversation with one human and one machine, each emulating human responses. All participants are separated from one another. If the judge cannot reliably tell the machine from the human, the machine is said to have passed the test.

### Yellowstone Bear Interrupts Bear-Safety Interview

Someone shouted, ‘Bear! Bear!’ during CNN interview following fatal grizzly attack on hiker.

## Monday, July 11, 2011

### Fish Photographed Using Tools to Eat

Professional diver Scott Gardner has captured what are believed to be the first images of a wild fish using a tool. The picture above, captured in Australia’s Great Barrier Reef, shows a foot-long blackspot tuskfish smashing a clam on a rock until it cracks open, so the fish can gobble up the bivalve inside.

Tool use was once thought to be exclusive to humans, and was considered a mark of our superior intelligent and bulging brains. In recent decades, though, more and more animals have shown an ability to work with tools and objects.

Elephants pick up branches with their trunk to swat flies and scratch themselves, a laboratory crowimprovised a hooked tool from a wire to extract an insect and primates use sharpened sticks as spears, rocks to smash nuts and sticks to poke into ant nests.

Tool use in fish, however, is much more rare, and there’s never been any photo or video evidence to prove it — until now. “The pictures provide fantastic proof of these intelligent fish at work using tools to access prey that they would otherwise miss out on,” said Culum Brown of Macquarie University in Sydney in a press release.

“It is apparent that this particular individual does this on a regular basis judging by the broken shells scattered around the anvil,” he said in the release.

What specifically constitutes tool use is a controversial topic. Is a seagull using a tool when it drops a shellfish on a rock? How about when archerfish spray a jet of water to knock prey off of twigs? There’s also the tricky problem of the ocean having all that watery stuff, and fish having no limbs.

For Brown, though, the blackspot tuskfish counts. “We really need to spend more time filming underwater to find out just how common tool use is in marine fish,” he said in the release. “It really is the final frontier down there.”

### A Joke

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a
well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken
by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may
I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans
are so rude. My precious little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available
was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the
wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And
now, sir, you seem to have thrown the
wrong bitch out the window.

## Sunday, July 10, 2011

### A Joke

Reason for changing Motels:
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

### How To Speak Australian - Science Edition

"Hey Dave what's that snake over there?"
"Well Bruce that would be a Brown Snake?"
"Dave, why do they call it that?"
"Because its brown, and a snake."

"Dave, what's that snake over there?"
"Well Bruce that's a a Death Adder."
"Why do the call it that?"
"Because they wouldn't let us call it a 'Fucks you right up snake'"