17 Shades of Stupid: Cosmo's Worst BDSM Tips

4. "Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body — his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs."This was clearly written at lunchtime, after a morning spent rummaging around the office for kinkspiration. Rejected options: "Hold a blueberry muffin in your fist and punch him in the mouth." "Pretend to be a naughty piece of printer paper and tell him to 'staple' you." "Act like a PDF and order him to 'fax me hard.' Make all relevant noises."

Incidentally, if the women who read Cosmo need to be cautioned against stabbing someone with a fork hard enough to break the skin, then their partners are going to need more than a safe word.

12. "Let him write 'property of [his name]' on your underwear before you leave for work. It’s an all-day-long reminder that he is your 'master,' which is awesomely kinky." Or an underwear-ruining reminder of summer camp.