NO, I DIDN’T FALL DOWN, MR. DOOM AND GLOOM. THE GROUND RUSHED UP AT AN ALARMING RATE OF SPEED AND LANDED UNDER MY BACK.
YOU NEED TO STOP LOOKING AT EVERYTHING IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT AND START LOOKING AT IT LIKE I DO. THROUGH THE WONDERFUL AND KALEIDOSCOPIC LENS OF A PINT OR TWO OF WHISKEY.
I SWEAR, IF I COULD FEEL MY HANDS I WOULD TICKLE YOU UNTIL YOU LEARNED HOW TO SMILE.
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I figured you needed a "heads up" on this.
At the heart of this tale is a lucky little fish.
How it became the answer to a dire medical problem deep in the Cambodian jungle is something University of Guelph researcher Christopher Charles swears is no fish tale.
It began three years ago when this science whiz from Milton, who had just graduated from Guelph with a bachelor in biomedical science, took on a gritty little summer research gig in Cambodia. The task was to help local scientists try to persuade village women to place chunks of iron in their cooking pots to get more iron in their diet and lower the risk of anemia. Great in theory, but the women weren’t having it.
It was an enticing challenge in a country where iron deficiency is so rampant, 60 per cent of women face premature labour, hemorrhaging during childbirth and poor brain development among their babies.
Soaking a tampon in vodka and then... re-inserting it somehow... is supposed to produce the "ultimate body shot" -- a fast, intense buzz (the alcohol is allegedly absorbed more quickly than by mouth), with no tell-tale alcohol breath for mom or the police to detect.
I first heard about this trend a couple of years ago from another mother: She said her teenage daughter had heard about it from one of her friends, who'd heard that another girl they kinda knew had done it, and OMG how gross was that?
I was repulsed but credulous. After all, you have to credit teenagers with this: They are Nobel-level geniuses when it comes to figuring out stupid things to do, especially stupid things involving booze.
The more I Google searched, however, the more I couldn't find a single article verifying that the "vodka-soaked tampon" actually worked. Grimly, I realized there was only one way to settle the mystery. I couldn't assign it to someone else (just imagine trying to pitch that to a writer!). In the interests of science and parents everywhere, I decided that I would have to test the rumour myself.
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:In her 20's, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.After 50, they are like onions."
With wrinkles on his forehead, the son asked: "Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
kinds of ’willies’ are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration."
This week saw the 19th International Robot Exhibition (IREX) held at Tokyo Big Sight displaying the world’s most advanced, innovative and sometimes plain bizarre robots. Over 270 different companies and organizations joined this year’s theme of “Robot Technology, Making a Future with Robot”. Amongst the technologies on show were singing robots, climbing robots, industrial robots and even a robotic bear like pillow aimed at stoping snoring.
In the picture above , we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people.
Read the the text below after the photo...
- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.
- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..
Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.
Despite what the fashion industry says, manufacturing a suit of feral raccoons is not overly complicated. With a little dumpster diving, rotten food, duct tape, and careful planning, almost anyone can attract enough disease-ridden wild mammals to cover his or her person for hours at a time. It’s easy, fun, and presents only a slightly higher than average chance of contracting a terrible pathogenic infection!
Patient: Wayne, Bruce
DOB: 2/16/1971
Occupation: Industrialist
Insurance: Self-pay
Emergency Contact: Dick Grayson, XXX-269-9637
Interval History: Patient was seen for his last annual physical approximately one year ago. Since that time he has had numerous visits for acute illnesses or injuries, generally accompanied either by his companion Mr. Grayson or Alfred, a senior member of his household staff. These recent maladies appear to be in keeping with the pattern that has emerged over the past several years, in which significant medical problems are associated with odd or incongruous explanations. Most recently, patient was seen for numerous areas of lower extremity cutaneous blistering, erythema and thickening, consistent with moderate to severe frostbite. Patient had reportedly gotten lost while camping in the mountains, but could not account for how he had sustained these injuries in mid-August.
Past Medical History: As stated, patient has a somewhat lengthy and complicated medical history, best summarized by system –
Follow the link to read more.
