I found a childhood picture of B.

I always love your attitude!

Stuff

An Update On Kathy's Surgery

Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you know our friend Kathy went in for a surgical procedure for a Butt Lift at the Wal-Mart Medical Center . She didn't have the most pleasant experience. She should've left well enough alone.

We wanted to show you how it turned out. We hope this keeps YOU from having this done.

Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . Don't get a Butt Lift at the Wal-Mart Medical Center . You will most certainly regret it.

One Less Thing To Worry About

One of the many lines of investigation during these Civil Defense tests, Project 32.2a, sought to answer a simple question: What will the survivors drink in the post-apocalyptic world? If the water supply is contaminated or otherwise dodgy, what about all of those cans and bottles that capitalist society churns out by the billions of gallons? The introduction to the final report explains that while lots of attention had been given towards the effects of nukes on food, beverages had been largely ignored:¹

Consideration of the problems of food supply show the needs of humans for water, especially under disaster conditions, could be immediate and urgent. At various times some consideration has been given to special packaging of potable water, but since packaged beverages, both beer and soft drinks, are so ubiquitous and already uniformly available in urban areas,it is obvious that they could serve as important sources of fluids.

So what affect does a nuclear explosion have on beer? 

Just saying . . .

Vodka + Ice = Ruined Kidneys

Scotch + Ice = Ruined Stomach

Gin + Ice = Ruined Brain



That damned ice ruins everything!

A Great Way To Welcome Me To Missoula!

A joke

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.




Lady 1: "What's that?"



Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."



Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"



Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."



The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.



Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

Jay-Z’s “99 Problems,” Verse 2: A Close Reading With Fourth Amendment Guidance for Cops and Perps

ABSTRACT
This is a line-by-line analysis of the second verse of 99 Problems by Jay-Z, from the perspective of a criminal procedure professor. It’s intended as a resource for law students and teachers, and for anyone who’s interested in what pop culture gets right about criminal justice, and what it gets wrong.

INTRODUCTION99 Problems is a song by Jay-Z1. It’s a good song. It was a big hit in 20042. I’m writing about it now because it’s time we added it to the canon of criminal procedure pedagogy. In one compact, teachable verse (Verse 2), the song forces us to think about traffic stops, vehicle searches, drug smuggling, probable cause, and racial profiling, and it beautifully tees up my favorite pedagogical heuristic: life lessons for cops and robbers.

It's really interesting. 

They must have been high.

At election time in Massachusetts every voter gets a copy of the state produced 'Information Guide.' Inside this guide, with the usual pros and cons, are URLs for the folks leading the support or opposition. An interested voter clicked on the VoteNoOnQuestion3.org website, the listed opposition to a current medical marijuana initiative, only to discover THEY FORGOT TO REGISTER IT.

Now a parody site with a ton of fake "facts" about marijuana lives in its place. Did you know that "No marijuana smoker has ever been successful?"

A Clunky Interface But Interesting

This interactive graphic maps a country's most common Facebook connections with other countries. Choose a country or a language and see what you learn. 

I got her number!

17 Awesome Political Bumper Stickers

More here.

Best TV Show I've Seen In A Long Time

A mysterious Man sits at a booth at the end of a diner. People approach him because they've heard The Man has a gift. He can solve their problems: A parent with a sick child, a woman who wants to be prettier, a nun who has lost her faith. The Man can give these people what they want. For a price. The Man makes a proposition. In exchange for realizing their desires, these individuals must complete a task, return to The Man, and describe every step in detail. The trick is that these tasks are things that would normally be inconceivable to them. But The Man never forces anyone to do anything. It's always up to the individual to start - or stop. The Booth at the End asks the question: How far would you go to get what you want?

Watch Here

All the Montana speeches from the DNC, right here

Perhaps you spent the last three nights watching people talk in an arena in North Carolina about politics and America and the future. Or, perhaps you were watching the kickoff of the NFL season, or attending school picnics, or playing softball under the lights at McCormick Park, or watching "Chopped" on Food Network, or otherwise occupied with something other than a lot of speeches and Wolf Blitzer. If you are in the latter category, you missed a few Montanans on the big stage.

Catch up right here.

Turn up your speakers and make it full screen!

Whatever's Comfortable. 

OBAMA'S WARS >> Good Fighter, Can’t Cheerlead Worth A Damn

And boom, at last, Osama was dead. On Obama’s watch. Whoo-hoo! Let the victory parades begin!

Except there weren’t any. I remember real well the weird queasy hush after bin Laden died. Nobody ever tells the truth in this country, so nobody could talk about why Obama never got the cheers he expected, but we all know why. It’s simple: There are two tribes in America and neither one was in a mood to cheer. Obama’s liberal fans couldn’t cheer because they have some taboo about parading around with your enemy’s head on a stick. They think it’s crude or something, “a regrettable necessity”—you know that NYT editorial jabber they use.

And the other tribe, the flyover state white glob I come from, would sooner comp bin Laden a suite in Vegas than give Obama any creds for taking him down. They sulked through it like a confused, hungover Pillsbury doughboy; the way they saw it, Obama got bin Laden on a technicality. There’s always been a lot of Osama/Obama blur in the way they see things, and they might’ve been happier if it’d been Osama zapping that snotty Hawaiian instead of the other way around.

And his real base, the tiny little islands of rich happy people who floss twice a day and eat Kale chips — the sane crust floating on the redneck lava — they don’t even want him to help us get our blood-gloat on. So Obama trying to drag Osama’s corpse around — but trying to do it politely, so he didn’t offend the pious Prius people—it put everybody in a bad mood, all bummed and embarrassed. Like having a Unitarian preside when you sacrifice a goat.

Read more. 

How To Streak At A Sporting Event And Get Away With It

If you've ever wondered how to run pantsless and not get arrested or tackled by a large, angry man, this is how.

A Joke

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'' She did and said, 'These are too big.  I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in  this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have  never had any problems. 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So....On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..! She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'  Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine ! Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

From my favorite sick little monkey

Why the Armed Forces should draft people over 60

 I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. 

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. 
  If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

 Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.  Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!!  You think MEN have attitudes??Ohhhhhhhhhhhh  my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! 

The Jehovah's Witnesses produced an anti-masturbation video for the hard of hearing.

And here it is mashed up with R. Kelly's "Ignition (Remix)".

What would the world be like if the land masses were spread out the same way as now - only rotated by an angle of 90 degrees?

North America has a range of climates similar to what it had before, but flipped north-south. The Arctic Canadian provinces are now tropical, while Central America is icy and polar. Hurricanes threaten Greenland, Baffin Island, and the Maritimes. Tropical moisture from Baffin Bay and the northwest (formerly north) Atlantic mixes with cool air flowing down through the US from the Rockies, creating a new Tornado Alley in the prairies inland from Hudson Bay.

More

Missed the Showing of the film in Missoula tonight

It makes me want to go back to running heavy water with a good crew. 

This may not be so threatening at my new office on the UM campus

Since I don't drink coffee, this is effing brilliant!

Stuff

Outside the James Bar in Missoula

Stuff

Had a very good day on the Missouri River today. Kelsa caught her first fish ever on her very first cast and then we found the rope swing on the Dearborn.

“They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonster”: Chris Kluwe Explains Gay Marriage To The Politician Who Is Offended By An NFL Player Supporting It

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to "inhibit such expressions from your employee." This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe's response to Burns.


Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,

I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of Maryland's state government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should "inhibit such expressions from your employees," more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person's right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. Mindfucking obscenely hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. "Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement." Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who's "deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland"? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you're going to say that political views have "no place in a sport"? I can't even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism").

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)

I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won't come into your house and steal your children. They won't magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won't even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I'm fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,

Chris Kluwe

P.S. I've also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your "I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing" and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. Asshole.

Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings.

A Pretty Good Guy

Today's Work Music

Up above

Aliens hover
Making home movies
For the folks back home

Of all these weird creatures
Who lock up their spirits
Drill holes in themselves
And live for their secrets

I wish that they'd swoop down in a country lane
Late at night when I'm driving
Take me on board their beautiful ship
Show me the world as I'd love to see it

Put on your headphones

Dissolved Girl

Unfinished Symphony