Jokes

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Keep reading-they get better!!! WOMEN'S REVENGE 'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she... (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!) A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.' A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and sobeautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would beattracted to you! A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS' A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

The Visual History of Christmas Trees

Anyone but Romney: The GOP race so far

Death to Pennies

Good Baby Book

Musical Map of Columbia

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ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

NO, I DIDN’T FALL DOWN, MR. DOOM AND GLOOM. THE GROUND RUSHED UP AT AN ALARMING RATE OF SPEED AND LANDED UNDER MY BACK.

YOU NEED TO STOP LOOKING AT EVERYTHING IN A NEGATIVE LIGHT AND START LOOKING AT IT LIKE I DO. THROUGH THE WONDERFUL AND KALEIDOSCOPIC LENS OF A PINT OR TWO OF WHISKEY.

I SWEAR, IF I COULD FEEL MY HANDS I WOULD TICKLE YOU UNTIL YOU LEARNED HOW TO SMILE.

A Prayer

Dear God, My prayer for 2012 is for a fat bank account & a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year. AMEN!

Bus Trip

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I figured you needed a "heads up" on this.

The Newest NFL Craze?

Censorship or Dumbing Down

Good Graffiti in Helena

One thing about the people who recycle in Helena . . .

They don't drink much Bud Light.

Next Year on Halloween I'm Putting These on My Neighbor's Porch

Is Your Dog Smarter Than a 2-Year-Old?

Canadian’s lucky iron fish saves lives in Cambodia

At the heart of this tale is a lucky little fish.

How it became the answer to a dire medical problem deep in the Cambodian jungle is something University of Guelph researcher Christopher Charles swears is no fish tale.

It began three years ago when this science whiz from Milton, who had just graduated from Guelph with a bachelor in biomedical science, took on a gritty little summer research gig in Cambodia. The task was to help local scientists try to persuade village women to place chunks of iron in their cooking pots to get more iron in their diet and lower the risk of anemia. Great in theory, but the women weren’t having it.

It was an enticing challenge in a country where iron deficiency is so rampant, 60 per cent of women face premature labour, hemorrhaging during childbirth and poor brain development among their babies.

Bartender, a Dirty Martini With a Tampon!

Soaking a tampon in vodka and then... re-inserting it somehow... is supposed to produce the "ultimate body shot" -- a fast, intense buzz (the alcohol is allegedly absorbed more quickly than by mouth), with no tell-tale alcohol breath for mom or the police to detect.

I first heard about this trend a couple of years ago from another mother: She said her teenage daughter had heard about it from one of her friends, who'd heard that another girl they kinda knew had done it, and OMG how gross was that?

I was repulsed but credulous. After all, you have to credit teenagers with this: They are Nobel-level geniuses when it comes to figuring out stupid things to do, especially stupid things involving booze.

The more I Google searched, however, the more I couldn't find a single article verifying that the "vodka-soaked tampon" actually worked. Grimly, I realized there was only one way to settle the mystery. I couldn't assign it to someone else (just imagine trying to pitch that to a writer!). In the interests of science and parents everywhere, I decided that I would have to test the rumour myself.

A Joke

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs: In her 20's, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." With wrinkles on his forehead, the son asked: "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of ’willies’ are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration."

Good Video

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Stay Classy Billings!

A good, if weird idea.

This week saw the 19th International Robot Exhibition (IREX) held at Tokyo Big Sight displaying the world’s most advanced, innovative and sometimes plain bizarre robots. Over 270 different companies and organizations joined this year’s theme of “Robot Technology, Making a Future with Robot”. Amongst the technologies on show were singing robots, climbing robots, industrial robots and even a robotic bear like pillow aimed at stoping snoring.

A practical example of how the human mind works

In the picture above , we will analyze what it represents to some groups of people.

Read the the text below after the photo...

- For young men, it's a nice ass. Only the most observant will define this as an ass crossing the street. The really observant will see the thong.

- For older men, it is a respectable woman with a nice ass crossing the street.

- The perverts will imagine her as a naked woman.

- The wise men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer in the face of such beauty and gratitude that it was shared with humanity.

- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

- The other half is wondering where she bought that blouse.

- The wise women imagine the misery that this will be at 50.

- Children, the curious, and monks will probably notice a dog driving the taxi..

Don't be alarmed, I didn't see the dog either.

SNUGGLING UP WITH A BUNCH OF FERAL RACCOONS IS EASY AND FUN

Despite what the fashion industry says, manufacturing a suit of feral raccoons is not overly complicated. With a little dumpster diving, rotten food, duct tape, and careful planning, almost anyone can attract enough disease-ridden wild mammals to cover his or her person for hours at a time. It’s easy, fun, and presents only a slightly higher than average chance of contracting a terrible pathogenic infection!

Batman's Medical History

Patient: Wayne, Bruce

DOB: 2/16/1971

Occupation: Industrialist

Insurance: Self-pay

Emergency Contact: Dick Grayson, XXX-269-9637

Interval History: Patient was seen for his last annual physical approximately one year ago. Since that time he has had numerous visits for acute illnesses or injuries, generally accompanied either by his companion Mr. Grayson or Alfred, a senior member of his household staff. These recent maladies appear to be in keeping with the pattern that has emerged over the past several years, in which significant medical problems are associated with odd or incongruous explanations. Most recently, patient was seen for numerous areas of lower extremity cutaneous blistering, erythema and thickening, consistent with moderate to severe frostbite. Patient had reportedly gotten lost while camping in the mountains, but could not account for how he had sustained these injuries in mid-August.

Past Medical History: As stated, patient has a somewhat lengthy and complicated medical history, best summarized by system –

Follow the link to read more.

25 Ways To Wear A Scarf In 4.5 Minutes (cool editing)

11 Sounds Your Kids Have Probably Never Heard

Mystery 'city' caught on stunning time-lapse video from space revealed to be massive Midwest oil field Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencet

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on a dime

balancing tower of change 3118 coins on a single dime. 600 quarters, 501 dimes, 313 nickels, 1699 pennies, 5 foreign coins, and 7 hours of building. all real time clips,

Stuff

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Magic Trick

R.I.P Bill Keane

Stuff

This should piss of both Republicats and Democans.

TOTALLY PSYCHED FOR THE FULL-RIP NINE

Monster earthquakes are going off all around the Pacific Ocean’s Ring of Fire. Is the West Coast of North America next?* And can you surf a tsunami?** Join us on a footnoted foray into the terrifying world of megaquakes, tidal waves, and the fine art of being your own Jesus.

*YES

**NO

A Joke

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted!!!

If you're not sure what a 710 is??? ...

Years Later, Lawsuit Seeks to Recreate a Wedding

Long after the last of the cake has grown stale and the tossed bouquet has wilted, the photos endure, stirring memories and providing vivid proof that the day of one’s dreams took place.

So it is not particularly surprising that one groom, disappointed with his wedding photos, decided to sue. The photographers had missed the last dance and the bouquet toss, the groom, Todd J. Remis of Manhattan, said.

But what is striking, said the studio that took the pictures, is that Mr. Remis’s wedding took place in 2003 and he waited six years to sue. And not only has Mr. Remis demanded to be repaid the $4,100 cost of the photography, he also wants $48,000 to recreate the entire wedding and fly the principals to New York so the celebration can be re-shot by another photographer.

Re-enacting the wedding may pose a particular challenge, the studio pointed out, because the couple divorced and the bride is believed to have moved back to her native Latvia.

Great Prius License Plate

Great Halloween Idea

Wish Those Were My Kids