This joke is for the ladies

A woman is sitting at home on the patio with her husband and she says, "I love you." He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me............. talking to the wine.

This joke is for the men folk

A man is sitting at home on the patio with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer.

A Joke

A farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad ."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other , and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to

borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's

about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Adults With College Degrees in the United States, by County

Interestingly, this was published just 9 days ago.

BOZEMAN, Mont. — With his electrician’s tool belt and company logo cap, Rick Schmidt looks every bit the small-business owner he in fact is. That he often reeks of marijuana these days ... well, it is just part of the job, he said.

Enlarge This Image

Mike Albans for The New York Times

The six-year-old medical marijuana industry is thriving in the state, but lawmakers are considering a measure that would shut it down.

“I went on a service call the other day — walked in and a guy said to me, ‘What have you been smoking?’ ” said Mr. Schmidt, 39.

For Gallatin Electric, a six-employee company founded by Mr. Schmidt’s father, Richard, as for other businesses in this corner of south-central Montana, medical marijuana has been central to surviving hard times as the construction industry and the second-home market collapsed. Not the smoking of it, the growing of it or even the selling of it, but the fully legal, taxable revenues being collected from the industry’s new, emerging class of entrepreneurs. Three of the four electricians on staff at Gallatin, Mr. Schmidt said, are there only because of the work building indoor marijuana factories.

Questions about who really benefits from medical marijuana are now gripping Montana. In the Legislature, a resurgent Republican majority elected last fall is leading a drive to repeal the six-year-old voter-approved statute permitting the use of marijuana for medical purposes, which opponents argue is promoting recreational use and crime.

If repeal forces succeed — the House last month voted strongly for repeal, and the Senate is now considering it — Montana would be the first to recant among the 15 states and the District of Columbia that have such laws.

In Bozeman, a college and tourism town north of Yellowstone National Park, construction jobs and tax collections dried up just as the marijuana business was blossoming; residents and politicians here say the interconnection of economics and legal drugs would be much more complicated to undo.

The Federal Budget, as explained by Jack Daniels

With hacking, music can take control of your car

Researchers at the University of California, San Diego, and the University of Washington have spent the past two years combing through the myriad computer systems in late-model cars, looking for security flaws and developing ways to misuse them. In a new paper, they say they've identified a handful of ways a hacker could break into a car, including attacks over the car's Bluetooth and cellular network systems, or through malicious software in the diagnostic tools used in automotive repair shops.

But their most interesting attack focused on the car stereo. By adding extra code to a digital music file, they were able to turn a song burned to CD into a Trojan horse. When played on the car's stereo, this song could alter the firmware of the car's stereo system, giving attackers an entry point to change other components on the car. This type of attack could be spread on file-sharing networks without arousing suspicion, they believe. "It's hard to think of something more innocuous than a song," said Stefan Savage, a professor at the University of California.

Wedding Picture

A MOST HAPPY DAY FOR ALL…ALMOST ALL… Imagine the following: You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and have stepped out on the front steps of the church. The photographer raises his camera. Following a family tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together. You and your new bride stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your hands as your friends and family eagerly wait. The photographer gives the signal and you and your bride open your hands toward the sky. Not a dry eye anywhere, the camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity...

Damn, by next Halloween no one will remember.

Driving to Work

Toto, I don't think we're in western Montana anymore.

The Microbrewery Revolution Expands in Eastern Montana

Had a very tasty IPA from them tonight at the Cottonwood in Glasgow.

Percentage of Population with a current U.S. Passport

Relationships: A Guide

Was this Race To The Sky sled dog team cloned?

A map of world alcohol consumption

New GOP Bill in Montana: "Global Warming Is Beneficial"

I wish Joe Read, the Republican state representative from Montana's 15th district, was right. I wish that we could sign a law that overturns the laws of science and nature. That we could write legislation that made it so that "global warming is beneficial" and that "reasonable amounts of carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere have no verifiable impacts on the environment." Of course, we can't legislate away the hard physics and chemistry that dictate climate change. But that isn't stopping Joe Read from trying.

Behold, Montana's House Bill Number 549, "an act stating Montana's position on global warming":

The legislature finds that to ensure economic development in Montana and the appropriate management of Montana’s natural resources it is necessary to adopt a public policy regarding global warming.

(2) The legislature finds:

(a) global warming is beneficial to the welfare and business climate of Montana;

(b) reasonable amounts of carbon dioxide released into the atmosphere have no verifiable impacts on the environment; and

(c) global warming is a natural occurrence and human activity has not accelerated it.

Sounds like a fun guy.

AMES, Iowa - Noted Midwestern raconteur Omer L. Baumgartner passed away at this home in Ames, Iowa on Tuesday, Feb. 8, 2011. He was 90 years old. Mr. Baumgartner had lived a long and passionate life dedicated to rambunctious performances and dairy products.
Born on a dairy farm in Walnut, Ill., Baumgartner was prodigious with the movement of manure from an early age, and exercising these and other talents, earned recognition for his National 4-H Grand Champion Dairy Heifer, Clementine's Ramona, in 1930 at the age of 10. After this debut, and as the Depression raged, Baumgartner cut his teeth in the livestock industry while attending hundreds of county and state fairs, showing and selling cattle, frying oysters, skinning rabbits, and drinking whiskey. While still a freshman at the University of Illinois, he successfully quelled the great dairy upraising of 1938, averting a desperate ice cream shortage in Chicago, and was immediately recruited, without finishing college, by the state's Guernsey Breeders Association as a field agent.
Despite never learning to cook anything other than fried oysters, Baumgartner attained the rank of captain during World War II for running mess halls feeding over 5,000 in Tennessee and Alabama for the Army Air Corps. He was wildly popular with the troops for his mess hours bongo drum performances accompanied by dancing girls. Baumgartner notably worked for L.S. Heath and Company, running the dairy division and inventing Heath Bar ice cream in 1951. He also co-ran Wilkinson's Office Supplies with his wife Jattie Wilkinson Baumgartner, serving one-third of the state of Illinois and parts of Iowa. Baumgartner disliked vegetables his whole life. Despite consuming more than 2,000 pounds of butter, he never suffered from any kind of heart disease. His last meal was ice cream.

A Joke

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

Worth Watching - District B13

Parkour, good guy/bad guy paring, futuristic bad guys, lost of good gun fights and martial arts.

It's in French, but it's not like the dialogue matters anyway.

An abandoned lifeboat at world’s end

There is no more forbidding place on earth.

Bouvet Island lies in the furthest reaches of the storm-wracked Southern Ocean, far south even of the Roaring Forties. It is a speck of ice in the middle of a freezing fastness: a few square miles of uninhabited volcanic basalt groaning under several hundred feet of glacier, scraped raw by gales, shrouded by drifts of sea-fog, and utterly devoid of trees, shelter, or landing places.

What it does have is a mystery.

Driving to work - but not across Swan Lake

AWESOME TV series on Netflix disc and instant

Packed with intrigue, duplicity and tension, this edgy crime drama delves into the shadowy world of the Vancouver syndicate and the cops who keep it under surveillance. When a biker gang threatens his territory, businessman -- and mob kingpin -- Jimmy Reardon (Ian Tracey) becomes a stool pigeon for Organized Crime Unit director Mary Spalding (Klea Scott) … in exhange for her turning a blind eye to his "extracurricular" activities.

Valentines Day Gift Guide

To Droid or Not To Droid, That Is My Question,

Remember This.

I Judge You Poorly When You Can't Spell The Easy Words

Holiday Inn at the Park, Missoula

My dog, she travels well.

I guess that since I spent the evening playing pub trivia, she had already slept on the balcony and the couch.

I hate to tell you this, but

Dear Snow,

I think we need to see other people. You've been very clingy lately and just don't know when to leave. Don't worry, we can see each other again. Maybe sometime in November.

You see, there's someone else. Her name is Sunshine, and she's really great. No hard feelings. You know I'll always love you. We just need some time apart.

Sincerely yours, Doug

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil.

It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.

It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Ninja School

I Built These Snowmen In Your Yard When You Were At Work Today

Discipline

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Wish I could share this with the Legislature

Read the comments for the real insight

I'm going to make a million dollars!

Phrase of the Day

Interesting Legislature

Gary Marbut, president of the Montana Shooting Sports Association, said he supported this and the other bills as a way of shifting power from government to the people. “The question here is where that slider is located on that range between anarchy and tyranny,” Marbut said. “We’d like to nudge it back a little toward anarchy.”

Anarchy = target practice?

Where was Doug?

Driving to work

Website for those with ADHD

California vs. North Dakota

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the

State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for

diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat

rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The

State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

North Dakota :

The Governor of North Dakota is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps

jogging with his dog. The State has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and North Dakota is not.

It was a long walk to my room last night

Birth Year Inflation

What atheists are really concerned about.

A Graphical Overview of the 2012 Republican Field

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Do This!

I want to put this in front of my house.

Beware of this E-bay ripoff!

Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Old Joke

Do This!

I can't wait until someone opens this cabinet.

A Joke

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers , Florida .

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and
asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

A Joke

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

'Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Want It

Let's say you bought this car, a Cadillac CTS-V Sport Wagon, with a 6.2-liter, 556-horsepower Corvette V8, six-speed manual transmission, magnetorheological dampers (I'll get to that), Michelin SP2 gumballs, 15-inch front Brembo brakes with six-pot calipers, and microsuede wrapping on the steering wheel and shifter. Well, first of all, you'd be one strange cat, which is to say, unusual. Notwithstanding any nitro-burning ice-cream trucks or flying boattail Rollses in your neighborhood, this wagon is about as esoteric an automobile as you're likely to find. Statistically speaking, General Motors will sell exactly none of these cars, the Detroit equivalent of Zoroastrianism.

Such a car would be useful if you wanted to duck car-pooling duty or avoid field trips with the Cub Scouts, because no child emerging weepy and jelly-kneed from the back seats of this supercharged washing machine will ever want to get back in. You'll be on cupcake duty from then on.